Beautiful Idiot

Adapt Or Die. (name that movie)

2011-09-02T13:40:00.003-04:00

Changes. Transitions. They're the only definites in my life. Well, in general. Besides my family.

I sit here, having moved from salesperson to unemployed person to optical tech person; from involved-with-someone-on-the-way-to-marriage person to single person; from roommate to living alone person. All of this within a few months. Well, the transition from salesperson to optical tech took a little longer, but still not longer than a year.

So, in one year I have flipped my life upside down.

And I'm not quite steady yet.

I'm still not sure what I want, but I'm narrowing down what I don't want. I guess that's half the battle. I know I'm lucky and blessed to have the family that I do, and the ability to adapt easily to new situations. There are people that bump up against life so hard that they are constantly wounded and bewildered. I will always be grateful for my ability to roll with things as they change.

I can't stop eating Nilla Wafers. That's not a euphemism. I literally have a hard time not sticking my hand inside the box. They're just too delicious.

Here's what's on my sleep deprived, Nilla wafer stuffed mind today: (because the Internet needs to know)
1. I need to stop by Old Navy on the way to work. I need a new bar shirt that's sexy without trying too hard.

2. I need a massage. Seriously. My spine is compressing into my heels and it hurts in the morning. That sucks.

3. I miss my boyfriend. But I can't go back. Things will end up the same as they were and I don't want to move backwards. Forward motion is key.

4. Why is it that I always want to party harder when I'm tired? I move past the point of wanting to sleep and into a manic zone. Like a little kid that's overtired, maybe.

5. I need to get back to work.

In the wee hours...

2011-04-04T02:16:00.002-04:00

It's almost 230 in the morning and I'm sitting here thinking:

I'm probably waking up my roommate.

You might not be who I think you are.

I have a vision of what I want my life to be like and it's not quite there yet.

There is something I don't know and you're not telling me.

I have to run at 330 tomorrow afternoon and it's going to kick my ass.

On that note...

I'm Audi.

Remember all those "I'll work out tomorrow"s?

2010-11-29T12:54:00.001-05:00

I need someone to explain to me why it seems like a good idea to participate in a bellydancing show immediately after Thanksgiving.

I have to wear WHAT??

Yeah.

Here it is.

2010-11-09T10:33:00.001-05:00

It's hard to let someone love you when you don't feel worthy of their love.

Redemption

2010-10-26T10:20:00.002-04:00

It started with Tosh.

Tosh 2.0 has a segment in which he replays a video of someone making an absolute fool of themselves and then brings them onto his show in order to redeem themselves.

Naturally, the idea of redeeming oneself carried over into my real life. There was the Karaoke Redemption, needed to replace the memory of my very off-key rendition of "My Life" at Little Kings, completed at my mom's cabin a couple of weeks ago. Nailed it, thank you very much.

Redeem is defined (in one definition) as "to make up for, make amends for, offset." And redemption is defined (again, in one definition) as "atonement for guilt" or "deliverance, rescue."

Isn't that something we all crave to some extent? To be able to do something over and wipe out the first attempt? Like taking a class and getting a D, then taking it again and getting an A... the second grade wipes out the first. And you were able to get the perfect second grade precisely because you had already been through the class the first time, when you got the D.

So we all need to make mistakes in order to redeem ourselves. You wouldn't need to do something over again if you never did it wrong in the first place. I'm sure there are people that would read that and say "Duh. That's why I try to never make mistakes." Have you ever noticed that those people are basically unbearable? How can they possibly relate to any other human if they don't make mistakes? Worse yet, how can they relate to anyone else if they refuse to admit that they make mistakes and see no need for redemption?

I am NOT one of those people. This definitely comes from my religious upbringing, but I am fully aware that I make mistakes constantly. I don't regret making them and I don't feel guilty but I take the opportunity for redemption if it comes.

How can you redeem yourself? How can you help someone else redeem themselves?

Let me be clear.

2010-10-12T14:40:00.003-04:00

I just lied to someone who asked me to work for them on Saturday morning. I said I have plans and I do: I will be recovering from Friday night.

I can be incredibly lazy. I have expectations of myself that I rarely satisfy and I have to continuously forgive myself and hope that God does the same.

Sometimes I turn off my filter and will say things to people that may or may not hurt their feelings. The fact that these people are patrons of my bar and have probably provoked me to this point is not really an excuse.

There are a handful (maybe two handfuls, I'm pretty lucky) of people in my life that I love more than my own life and would do absolutely anything for. I accept these people for who they are and who they are not.

And to those people, I would like to echo the message preached at Mass on Sunday:

Thank you for who you are. I love you. You make me want to be better than I am.

October Night Sky

2010-10-08T11:14:00.002-04:00

I got home from work last night around 230am. I stepped out of my car and immediately wanted to lay down on the street.

The sky was perfect. There is just something about the Fall night sky. It seems so familiar to me... those are the constellations I recognize, like old friends I've been looking for but couldn't find for a long time. We were reunited last night.

I have such great memories of night skies. When I was younger my friend's dad took us to see a meteor shower. I think it was the first time I tried to stay up past midnight and I couldn't make it. The planetarium my middle school class visited left such an impression on me. It seemed to be a magical place... I haven't been able to get back to one yet, but I always want to. And the night skies in New York... I have never seen anything as beautiful as the silent starlight on those cold nights.

Orion has always been my favorite constellation--probably because it's the most recognizable to me. I dated a guy that once claimed the middle star of Orion's belt as his own. Even as I thought that it's not possible to claim a star, I remember thinking that that star will always be special to me because of that moment. And I was right, but not because of that long-ago boyfriend.

That star, in fact all of the stars in the Fall sky, are so special to me because they never change. And because of their constancy, I can mark the changes in myself. Each Fall when I greet Orion, I'm a little wiser, a little older, with a few more milestones under my belt. The arrows in Orions quiver are my memories that he showers me with each Fall.

Last night when I looked at the middle star in Orion's belt, I remembered that moment but it doesn't have any hold over me anymore. In the stars, I can see who I used to be and look forward to what I will become.

Video killed the telephone star

2010-10-05T13:15:00.002-04:00

Yesterday my boyfriend and I went to Augusta to help celebrate my niece's 12th birthday. When we got there my sister was already serving the cake, which I thought was weird since I had called and told her we were 20 mins away and then 20 mins later we walked through the door (but she doesn't like to wait on anyone--you never know if they're actually going to do what they say they're going to do, right?--but that's another story for another time.) So forgoing the usual hugs and greetings, we immediately sit down and stuff ourselves with cookie cake baked lovingly by the hourly workers at Publix. It really was very good... I want some now.

The usual fun banter flowed like it always does around my family, and then the awkwardness began. It seemed like a good idea for my stepdad to call my mom--who lives in another city--and include her in the festivities by way of Google chat. Mom was in her nightshirt, hair in curlers and no makeup with the tv flickering next to her. Trying to include someone in a conversation via computer chat is like trying to include an infant or someone over 100 years old. There were 8 of us around the table, talking as we usually do and then someone would remember that my mom was with us. Now, my mom can have a hard time following our conversation even when she's present--I think it's the pop culture references that stump her ("wait, now who is that you're talking about....?) or possibly the constant double entendres in our teasing ("wait, now what did she say.... OH, I get it...")

Everyone got quiet and stared at the computer screen. Mom could only see 3 of us because of the computer's camera positioning so I can only imagine how it looked to her with those 3 people staring at her and hearing a disembodied voice going "Sooooooo........" Awkward.

Anyway, the funny part was when we could see my mom saying something she didn't mean--something we wouldn't have picked up on if we were just on the phone. She said yes to something that she didn't really want to do and we all knew that because she was shaking her head NO even as she was agreeing. We all called her out on it and of course, she was confused or pretended to be. My mom also says goodbye 8 different ways before she actually hangs up the phone so it was funny to see that play out in person.

A word of advice: an image on a computer screen doesn't substitute for the actual presence of a person. Not even though you get to see all the weird things they normally do while they're talking to you on the phone.

Of course, video chatting is a voyeur's wet dream... so, good for you guys.

Freedom, at last.

2010-09-19T17:28:00.003-04:00

I'M FREE!!

I was fired last week from the corporate job. I actually believe it's really the best thing that could have happened to me. I have no idea what's going to happen next or what I really want, but I'm very happy to have the opportunity to explore what I want to do. Well, I will as soon as unemployment starts to come in.

I'm going to have to manage my time though. I've discovered that if I turn on the TV, my whole day can get sucked down the drain and that is a terrible feeling. It's an awesome feeling though, to be able to set my own schedule and do what I want to do all day. I hope I don't become too lazy to do what I want to do. Doing absolutely nothing is great once in a while but it can become a little taxing. Weird, right? I start to feel a little worthless.

So here is a first draft of how I plan on spending my week:

5 hours/week working out (at least--3 of these are already planned)
5 hours/week searching online for a job (again, at least. An hour a day seems like a good start.)
AND 5 hours/week working on my writing. Finally.

Then there's the about 16 hours/week I'll spend working at the bar (still doing that part-time.)

And I think I'd like to pick up some volunteer work. I definitely have the time. :)

So we're up to about a full work week's worth of time.

We'll see how it goes. Hopefully what I will NOT do is plop my fat ass down on the couch and get stuck. I'll have to avoid the couch like it has herpes.

2010-09-08T15:44:00.002-04:00

"I am a Human BEING, not a Human DOING.

Don't equate your self-worth with how well you do things in life. You aren't what you DO. If you are what you do, then when you don't.... you aren't."

(from Inner Wisdom Cards by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer.)

I inherited those cards from my dad when he moved from Texas to Boston. He was going into the seminary and couldn't take most of his things. He allowed my siblings and me to take anything we wanted and I loved those cards. There are a bunch more in there that seem to speak to me, specifically. Of course, I know they weren't written just for me, and that actually helps me to feel connected to the rest of humanity. Apparently we all need to be reminded of that once in a while.

I have a headache today. I hate headaches. It's my fault. I drank too much wine last night... it seemed like a good idea at the time. And it was delicious wine, but it made me act a little crazy last night and feel a little bad today... and I can't be sure it was worth it.

And there are times when it's worth it. I've had mornings when I wake up wishing I could cut off my head, it hurt so bad, but the memory of the night before and all the fun I had actually helps to temper the hangover.

Thank God for Dr. Dyer and his Inner Wisdom, otherwise I might feel pretty bad about not accomplishing anything today.

Going Visible

2010-08-24T12:34:00.002-04:00

Gmail says I'm invisible.

And it challenges me to Go Visible.

So far I have not accepted the challenge...either from Gmail or Life. See, I want to be both Visible and Invisible. I want to be Invisible because then there are no expectations of me... if you can't see me, you can't be disappointed by me. It's better to be Invisible and not risk anything.

No. That's not it.

I want to be Visible. I want to be Alive and Excited, Motivated and Ambitious.

But I DON'T want to be Judged. I don't want people to dislike me. I want to satisfy everyone's expectations of me. I want to be able to be what everyone wants me to be. Who is Everyone? Good question.

Where did I get this idea that I have to be all things to all people in order to be successful? When did I decide that what I want for myself is not enough? My rational mind has told me to Eff the Haters, I'll Do What I Want, but when I'm challenged on that, I fold like a paper crane.

So far I think the problem lies with what I have chosen to do with my life. I have no defense when someone tells me I'm not doing the right thing because I actually agree with them. My only response is "If not this, then what? I don't know what I want to do." I've been very fortunate in my life so far to have been able to pick up pretty decent jobs whenever the opportunity presented itself. I have rarely fought for any of them; usually "fighting" meant saying what needed to be said in order to convince the person I was talking to that I wanted the job. I guess I've had a knack for that so far... and look where it's gotten me.

I realize that I'm coming to the point where I have to Choose. I have to choose what I want, I have to set my feet upon that path and start walking. I have to keep walking no matter what obstacles fall in my way.

I'm treading water right now and I think I have been for a while. It's time to put my head down and swim. Even if it's against the current.

My One Year Project

2010-08-17T13:14:00.003-04:00

(Inspired by Jenny)

I don't really have a birthday milestone coming up, well, except for 40 but thankfully it's far enough away that I don't have to think about THAT nightmare. Still, I'd like to create a list for myself to complete in one year. I will write about my experiences and cross off things as I complete them. In theory, it sounds like an ambitious and fun project. In practice, we'll see.

Most people who create these lists have the number correspond to the age they're reaching that year (30 Things To Do Before I'm 30, etc.) but since my age isn't important to me in that regard, I'll be reasonable and aim for one completed project (or at least begun) each month.

12 Things to Do Before August 2011:

FINANCES
1. Get my finances in order: dig out what I owe and exactly to whom and create a plan to pay off half, if not ALL of my debt.

PROFESSIONAL
2. Find a job that I LOVE to do. Try not to get bogged down by what I think I SHOULD be doing.
3. WRITE. Write more. Fearlessly send out stories for publication.
4. Stop procrastinating. Tomorrow.

HEALTH/FITNESS
5. Complete a triathlon in less than 2 hours. My first one was almost 2.5 hours. The next one in that series is also in June at Lake Lanier.
6. Practice meditation. Find Inner Peace. Yeah, it's a lofty one. And will probably take years to master but a year would be a good start.

TRAVEL
7. Make the trip to go see my family in Texas: Houston, Austin, San Antonio. Maybe Dallas if my Dad is there.
8. Go visit my friends in close states (Megan in D.C., Leanne in NC)

I'll have to get back with the last 4. I thought I'd be able to dash these out, but it turns out that I need to think about what I want to do. Telling? Probably.

And now I'm off to work on scratching procrastination off the list.

Bad Aunt

2010-07-22T11:00:00.003-04:00

I have a confession to make.

It's tearing me up inside and making me question who I am, how I was raised and whether I deserve to be locked up forever.

Ready? Here goes:

I'm at the Beach. And I want to go HOME.

Now.... I thought I would feel better but I don't.

I still just want to go home. It's not the Beach, it's not the sun, the breeze, the sand or the gorgeous weather we've been having. It's not the not-working, the sleeping whenever I want or the quality time with my sister and niece.

It might be that I miss my favorite boy A LOT. Actually, that's definitely a lot of it.

But I think it might mostly be the baby. Yikes, I know. I'm sorry baby!! But you cry ALL the TIME! I told my sister that 90% of the time, you are fussy and/or crying. She said that's not true, you sleep for about 8 hours a night.

So let me amend that: 90% of the time you are AWAKE, you are fussy and/or crying. And you are like an alarm system that I am terrified to trip... you go off for no reason and are LOUD.

I'm sorry that I'm complaining about a baby... but I don't have any children and I haven't been around a baby this small in a very long time. And the 3 smiles I get when she is awake and not fussy just don't make up for the other 90%.

God help me if I ever have children (which I fully intend to do at some point in my life... so God help me. In general.)

I'm going to be alone with her for 3 hours this afternoon, so I'm going to see if we can't find some common ground.

To quote my favorite boy in the world:

Why are you letting a baby pick on you? (at the time I was complaining about how my 11 yr old niece was picking on me... and the question is a valid one.)

Confession time is over. Time to begin Operation Bond With Baby.

Over and out.

At the Beach

2010-07-19T10:50:00.003-04:00

I am living a charmed life.

I'm sitting here on a balcony overlooking the ocean 20 yards away. The water is gorgeous... striated shades of blue, becoming lighter as it nears the shore.

The weather is perfect--breezy and warm, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, palm trees are swaying and there is minimal traffic on the local road this morning.

Still....there is a part of me that wants to go home. I haven't missed anyone in a long time. It's a constant, dull ache. But I even recognize that as a blessing. I haven't missed anyone in a long time because I haven't cared about someone this much in a very long time...

I take him everywhere with me:
He was there the first night on the beach when we were surprised by the single beautifully explosive firework.
He was there yesterday at the beach when my niece and I were covered in seaweed.
He's here this morning as I sit on the balcony watching the boats on the ocean.
He's with me every night when I go to bed, and pray that God will keep him safe.

I try to let him go when the baby starts crying though... no one should be subjected to that.

Overplayed

2010-06-29T23:44:00.002-04:00

1. Scarves with tank tops: Dude. It's summer. I don't care if it makes your outfit. Wear a necklace.

2. Boy Bands: Please learn to play an instrument. That is all.

3. That song by Train: I can't even write it because just the words will get it stuck in my head and then I'll have to stick an icepick in my ear.

4. Celebrity Sex Tapes: Yeah, it's called Porn.

5. Vampires: Okay, I actually like vampire movies but even I am getting sick of having a vampire on every corner. This trend may never die... just like the vampires! Oooooooh....

6. Reality shows: What is with our fascination with watching people lead their semi-normal lives? Please make them go away so I can stop killing brain cells by watching them.

7. Excessive tanning: Gym, Tan, Laundry? Guys, when your skin gets that tough, it's called hide.

8. Articles about bartending in a town full of bars: Because clearly, that's exactly what you want to read about after spending the entire night in a bar and hating yourself in the morning as you do the Walk of Shame through downtown to your car. Reading about how stupid the bartenders think you are is exactly what's going to get you through waiting for the assholes to come take the immobilizer off of your back tire while you're wiping mascara off your cheeks and sweating on a curb in your mini dress and 5 inch heels at 11am on a Sunday morning.

An Open Letter to the Shirtless Sunburned Man in the Old Mercedes Convertible Speeding on Hwy 53

2010-06-17T12:12:00.002-04:00

Really?

In the Doorway

2010-06-16T14:24:00.003-04:00

Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're right.

What if what you think is "I don't want to"? And the next logical question is: What do you want to do? And my answer is: I don't know yet. Give me some time to think about it.

Why does it seem that time is in short supply lately? The earth isn't spinning any faster... or so I think.

Regarding work, I feel like I'm in a holding pattern right now. I don't really like it, but I'm going to ride it out. I don't like feeling unmotivated and unsure because I know that this not the way I usually feel. I think a door may have been opened for me and I want to go through it. I'm still scared but every week I'm doing things that the instant before I do them, I think I can't do that.

But then I do it. Every single time I watch the instructors demonstrate what we'll be doing during Trapeze class, I think "there's no way I'll be able to do that." BUT, when it's my turn, I do it. Exactly the way they showed us how to. That's a pretty powerful lesson to learn and reinforce every week.

I was handed a writing assignment (that I volunteered for) recently. It was minor, to be sure, but besides this blog, it has been a long time since I've written anything. That dream was something I gave up on a long time ago. I sat down to write it that night and came up with... nothing. I had nothing. No inspiration, no idea which way to take this assignment. So I put it away for the night, not sure if anything would come of it and wondering if I would disappoint myself again.

It all came to me the next morning. All at once. Obviously, I'm not talking about my life's work, but it was a tiny glimpse through the doorway of What Could Be. And believe me, I am all about jamming my foot into that door and prying it open but I think that door opens when we're ready.

And I believe I'm standing in a little shaft of its light.

A New Adventure

2010-06-08T08:06:00.002-04:00

Update: My birthday was a raging success. I accepted that my family members have lives outside of mine and enjoyed a quiet little party with them the week before my birthday. My actual birthday was spent competing in a triathlon--which was so awesome that I can't wait to do it again--and then out with friends. And one of them became more than that.

I've known this guy for 3 years and we've been through all sorts of things together: his relationships, my relationships, we've offered advice and comfort to each other, been there when the other needed a friend, had our arguments and disagreements, had periods where we didn't speak because of something the other did but only now does it seem like we finally found each other.

It's really a day that I thought would never come. I knew there was interest and attraction on both sides, but we never tried to take it any further. So how did we get here? I don't even know... and I keep asking myself that.

It's too new to start analyzing too much. I'm trying to just relax (which can be difficult for me in situations like this) and enjoy it. If this is what God wants, it's going to be awesome, and if it's not, I'm going to do my best to just let it go.

All I know is: this is going to be some ride.

Birthday Disappointment.

2010-05-19T07:49:00.002-04:00

My birthday is in about 3 weeks. I'm competing in a triathlon on that day and there is a roller derby bout that night. So, lots of fun things, right?

I just learned that not one member of my family will be there to celebrate with me. And it breaks my heart. I haven't really stopped crying about it since yesterday. I would (and have) changed plans to be with my family, to support them when they need it. Now I'm realizing that I may be the only one. To be fair, neither my mom nor my dad live in the same state as me and my sister just had a baby--she'll be barely a month old on my birthday. So it doesn't make sense for any of them to try to make it.

But my brother and his wife have made other plans. They're going on a beach trip with their youth group on my birthday. And the wife mentioned it to me like I should be excited for them... even asked me if I would like to drive 4 hours down there to meet them--after I complete the triathlon. Um, NO.

I was flabergasted. To make it worse, last week when I saw her, she had the nerve to try to make a big deal about HER birthday. Seriously?

I used to think the 3 of us siblings were really tight... but now I think that was just my imagination. My brother's 30th birthday is in a few months and even though his wife is dragging him to Iowa, of all places, I'm still going to throw him a rocking party. He deserves it. Excessive birthday partying is something we grew up with, and I'll be damned if some girl he married is going to take that tradition away from us.

The tears have stopped. I think writing it down has made me feel better. Funny how that happens. :)

Here we GO.

2010-05-10T22:41:00.002-04:00

He's got to be a little bit dangerous, this guy I'm looking for.

Besides being tall and handsome (Clive Owen, not Pierce Brosnan), funny, intelligent, Catholic, compassionate and close to his family, he's got to be strong. Strong enough to know when to use force, if necessary. He's got to be mischevious and able to push it right to the edge but controlled enough to know how to pull it back at the last second.

Just a little dangerous and unpredictable.

I guess I want him to be the part of me I never get to express. The part that wants to take off on an adventure in the middle of the night and throw responsibility to the wind. To never know where I'm going or what will happen when I get there, but ready for anything.

I think living in such a small world has blunted my senses so that I can't even find my way around my sister's neighborhood anymore. I barely have a sense of direction because I don't have to. There was a time when I believed I could get through anything.... that I could handle anything, that no matter how out of control things seemed, I could deal.

I've accepted that I can't control everything but does that mean that I've stopped taking chances? I'm on a quest of self discovery and I'm starting to get bored.

Since I control my thoughts, intentions and therefore, my own reality, I should be able to change this path pretty easily. Actually, not easily. Seems that the hardest person to control and discipline is myself. Letting go is much easier, but getting out of a slump takes discipline.

Tomorrow is a new day, full of adventurous possibilities.

Here we go.

Hindsight

2010-05-06T12:02:00.002-04:00

5/13/09

On the radio this morning, the leader singer of Counting Crows, Adam (something) was asked about breakups. He said that the hardest thing about breaking up is that you feel like you don't matter at all to the person you were with. As if you just don't exist anymore... and he said that break up or no breakup, all the people that he wrote songs about/for on his album know that they really matter to him.

So of course I started thinking about you. And how you probably think that you don't matter to me at all. And I know that sucks because I know exactly how that feels: it's how I felt when you dumped me for Christal last year. I wish I had seen that for what it was and had just taken the time to get over you instead of forcing something that wasn't meant to be.

I just couldn't live with that though... I felt like you and I hadn't had our run yet. I wasn't ready to give you up. So I FOUGHT FOR IT. That's exactly what I did. I fought through it for you and felt like I won. Of course, I know now that I didn't really, I was just standing there when things fell through with her.

So I know exactly how it feels to feel like you suddenly don't matter to someone that you did seemingly moments before. I really wanted to send this to you as soon as I heard that on the radio... I wanted to drive straight to the office and get on the computer and write to you. I've been feeling pretty vulnerable lately though, so I made myself wait and I'm glad I did. Because I still feel like I don't matter to you. You won't even acknowledge me and I know that everyone says it's because you're in so much pain, and I know that you generally don't think about anyone but yourself so I should be understanding.

And I've tried to be. It's been almost 2 months since we've talked. I think about your apology and I'm very glad for it. I'm glad you said you made wrong decisions. I'm glad you regret leaving me for her... if you do. That's what it sounded like anyway.

I think I'm getting to the point where I can remember the good things. When I take time to really think about our relationship and how shitty you were, the old anger comes back but generally, I remember funny things you did or said and good times we had together. I even recounted a funny story about you tonight on the phone to my sister. I guess that means I'm healing and I know that's good. I'm thankful to God for that. I still miss you though. Not enough to pick up the phone and call you... but I do miss you.

I'm doing well on my own. I have a lot of balls in the air right now and I have a feeling that things are going to start changing very fast but I've been through periods like this before and it's always for the better. Maybe this time next year I'll be in Augusta, in school. Maybe I'll get into UGA. That's a dream, but God can do anything. If that's where I'm supposed to be, it will happen.

I think that's all I had to get out this time... You do matter to me. Not more than anything. Not more than my family or God... so probably not as much as you used to want to, but your well-being matters to me very much. Enough that I've left you alone so you can get over this...and that's more than I've done for other people in the past.

Putting your needs before mine shows that you matter a lot to me... hopefully that's something you'll learn.

Race Day

2010-04-22T12:50:00.003-04:00

Procrastination.

Why does it, in theory, feel so good but in reality it makes everything harder? I mean, I know the longer I put off what I should be doing the more anxious I will feel and the less I'll actually get done by the end of the day. But now that it's finally quiet in this cozy lunch place I'm in, I want to hang out just a little longer.

Because the loud, rude guys that took the seats immediately next to me are finally gone.

Because I'm indulging in a Coke Zero and I want another one before I leave.

Because I'm a stubborn first born child and I'M GROWN AND I DO WHAT I WANT.

I have a race this evening (well, IT is a race, but you won't actually see me racing) and I'm trying to find the best way to conserve energy for 6pm. I'm having my caffeine now, so I know I'll have to maintain that. I ate some avocados for lunch so that should be enough calories... I hope. All the other races I've ran have been at 8am, when everyone is still fresh in the morning. What kind of sadists schedule a race when everyone is exhausted at the end of the day? Oh, right, it's a corporate race thing. Got it.

The highlight of my day so far was the cute boy that was in here but I didnt' talk to him.

I should really build up some nerve.

I'll work on that!

Stripes

2009-11-13T22:34:00.002-05:00

So I'm watching Stripes with my roommate.

War movies were very different in the early 80s than they are now. They seem a lot slower but maybe that's because our attention spans have gotten that much shorter.

I'm thinking about Tropic Thunder when I'm thinking about comparisons. That movie is more about the movie industry than the army, so that's probably not fair.

I wouldn't say this movie is hiliarious... I'm watching it more so I can better understand my dad and one of my bosses at work.

I remember how awesome it was to finally watch Animal House and figure out that for most of my childhood, I had been grooving to the soundtrack and had no idea. I'm hoping I'm going to have a similar epiphany pretty soon... this movie is getting pretty long.

Observations

2009-11-11T19:47:00.003-05:00

Pictures would really help on this blog. Management is aware of the problem and is taking steps to fix it. Thank you for your concern.

WalMart used to be really trashy, right? I used to think so.... now, have my standards sunk a lot or is WalMart really stepping up their act? If I could shop there when no one else was there, I think I'd really enjoy it. I'm wearing my $11 yoga pants I bought there yesterday and I really like them.

I'm just sayin.

I learned today to be thankful for the job I have. I don't always love it, but today I learned that nowhere else would I have the freedom and autonomy I'm allowed now. And I have to remember I don't plan on staying here forever. I got plans man. I'm gonna make it BIG someday!

I put my foot down and didn't go to the gym tonight. Instead I spent a long time catching up with an amazing co-worker, came home to compare hangovers with my roommate (last night was her birthday and we celebrated like ROCK STARS), made salmon and broccoli for dinner and am enjoying a beer (or 2) for dessert. Perfect.

I've just found that it's not always fun to be a slave to your schedule... even if the activities are fun things. Sometimes I just want to say NO.

So You Think You Can Dance is on. I really want to be a dancer. I'm pretty sure dancing is going to have to stay a hobby for me. I don't think I have the dedication to be a real dancer. I didn't go to bellydancing because I didn't WANT to tonight... and I'm pretty sure that's a hanging offense to a REAL dancer.

Woo hoo! Catching up 2 weeks into NaBloPoMo. I'm ON the ball! :)

In The Club

2009-10-18T17:34:00.004-04:00

I love my family.

I love my parents, I love my siblings, I love being a member of my family.

We are happy, resilient, enthusiastic, tough, excitable, easily entertained, funny, loving, smart, devoted and determined.

My brother and sister belong to a youth group at their church where people actually say they want to have our last name. Of course it's all a joke and probably a nod to how tight we are but I like to think there's a grain of truth in it.

As I said, the 3 of us siblings are really tight and when someone marries into our family--as we've seen--they are absorbed. You are one of us. We accept you and will love you, flaws and all (of course, if you do something really bad to an original member, there will be consequences. Thankfully we haven't had to deal with that.)

Actually, it might be more like joining a gang. A motorcycle gang. We don't beat you in, but you will be teased mercilessly until you're almost broken. And you will be forced to do the jobs that no one else wants to do... and you will be tested to see how much you can stand. But it's worth it to get all the priviledges of belonging.

Right?

Things I Love Today

2009-10-16T15:06:00.003-04:00

Things I love today:

1. Therapy. I've been seeing a counselor for almost a year now and it's really changed my life. I've never had any serious trauma and I know I'm incredibly blessed but there are some lies that I've come to believe about myself over the years that have hindered my success in just about everything. I think everyone has at least something they need to work through and I would recommend therapy for everyone at some point in their lives.

And that's all I have to say about that.

2. Butternut Squash soup. I made some yesterday using a recipe I found online and man, it's really, really good.

3. Green tea. I go through phases when I drink a ton and then I get really sick of it. I'm on an upswing right now--I love the stuff.

4. FALL!! I love this weather! It's finally stopped raining and cooled off. The leaves are changing... I wish fall lasted 6 months. Maybe a year. A whole year of Fall. Now that would be awesome. But then, I'd probably have to suffer through a whole year of Summer and then I'd have to move to Alaska.

5. Working from home. It's not encouraged at my job, probably not technically allowed, but thankfully my boss doesn't micro-manage. I took advantage of it today since we'll get our work laptops in a couple months and then we'll probably be spied upon. Thanks, GPS systems for limiting my freedom.

There's a lot of other stuff I love right now also, but this could get pretty long and make you start longing for green tea and butternut squash and I can't be responsible for that.

Ragin' Irish (?)

2009-10-15T13:07:00.003-04:00

The hormones are a'ragin today!

In the past 30 mins I've felt:

1. Despair
2. Lust
3. Envy
4. Hideous
5. Thankful
6. Amused

And the amusements just won't stop. I'm cracking myself up, reading old posts. Some are actually pretty good but some are very, very bad. I hope nobody reads this stuff.

If you are reading right now, I'm sorry. I'll try to do better.

Ever since I've stopped taking birth control pills, I'm trying to get back in touch with my body. And that means observing my moods and deciding whether what I'm feeling is real or hormonal. It feels a lot better than acting immediately on what I'm feeling, which is what I normally do.

I have my share of problems: I can't manage my money AT ALL, it seems; any problem I have seems to magnify the rest, sometimes throwing me into panic mode; I can be selfish, self-absorbed, vain and competitive; I can be sneaky and manipulative; I can lie and not feel bad about it (for very long).

BUT in spite of all that, I know that God loves me. I know that He will love me through whatever I am or whatever I do... and that keeps me grounded. God's love keeps me humble because I know I can't DO anything to deserve it.... and many times I feel like I don't.

If anyone is reading this right now, I want to apologize for telling you I felt lustful.

And to remind you that God loves you no matter what. I know everyone's heard that before, but really THINK about that. NO MATTER WHAT. God will always take you back, no matter what you've done, if you want to come back to Him.

It just kind of puts everything in perspective. I can worry all I want about not having any money in the bank, but I know that I already have what I really need. I'm going to try not to worry so much because in the end, everything works out.

And worrying gives you wrinkles.

Change

2009-10-14T08:39:00.004-04:00

I think it's incredibly cheesy to post song lyrics on my blog to express how I feel.

BUT... I'm doing it anyway.

This song is an anthem for anyone struggling everyday to make their dreams happen.
I'm so impressed with Taylor Swift... from what I know of her story (and it might not be all exactly right), she knew she wanted to perform since she was a little girl. She shopped around for a record deal when she was 10 years old (TEN!) and she eventually got one.

And the rest is history. She's one of the biggest cross-over country artists there is right now, maybe ever. Her songs are playing on at least 2 radio stations as I type this.

Her story is amazing, inspiring and a testament to the power of the will.

And the grace of God.

----------------------------------------
Change
Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

And it's a sad picture,
the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again
You know it's all the same,
another time and place
Repeating history and you're getting sick of it

But I believe in whatever you do
And I'll do anything to see it through
Because these things will change

Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution,
the time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah!
We'll sing hallelujah! Oh

So we've been outnumbered, raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair
We're getting stronger now
Found things they never found
They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared

You can walk away and say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes says we can beat this
'Cause these things will change

Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution
The time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah!
We'll sing hallelujah! Oh

Tonight we'll stand and get off our knees
To fight for what we worked for all these years
And the battle was long
it's the fight of our lives
But we'll stand up champions tonight
It was the night things changed

Can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It's a revolution,
throw your hands up,
'cause we never gave in
We'll sing hallelujah!
We sang hallelujah!
Hallelujah!

Checking my Impulses

2009-10-09T15:28:00.002-04:00

Today was a pretty chill day.

Okay, that's even overstating what today was like. I told my coworker that I was working from home... I was working on my beauty sleep. I'm not exactly proud of slacking on my work, but I do feel like my mind and body needed it. Thankfully my job is such that if I slack off one week, I can make it up the next as long as I hit my numbers at the end of the month.

It's a procrastinator's dream.

And I actually learned a few things today. I learned that I have much less tolerance for crappy movies on DVD than I do for crappy movies on TV. If I turn on a crappy movie on TV, I'll probably watch it. Maybe it's because there are commercials to break it up, I can switch to another channel and come back to it or I can have it on while I do something else. When I rent a DVD, I purposefully put it into the machine, then settle down into the couch with snacks, drinks and a blanket to enjoy the movie. I devote all my attention to the movie.

And unfortunately, some just can't handle the scrutiny.

I'm not usually one to turn off a movie that I've rented--I figure there was something that appealed to me so I should give it a chance--but of the 5 movies I rented, I turned one off because I realized I'd already seen it (THAT was disappointing--how OLD am I?), one was just terrible but that's probably because it was a drug movie produced by MTV with a "My So-Called Life" vibe (Summer Phoenix--you are such a pretty girl with such a famous name--why the hell can't you ACT?) and I fell asleep during the END of another one. And I can't even care that I still don't know what happened. The other two movies are pretty good; one I've seen a thousand times before and will watch a thousand times again before I get sick of it and one I watched with my roommate and it scared the hell out of me (which was of course the point since it's October!)

On different note, I've been trying to keep my impulses under control lately. I'm going to the gym, trying (and often failing) to watch what I eat and I'm trying to keep my spending under control. That last one is not going so well. There is an impulse I've been good about denying and that one, well, let's just say that I'm on a celibacy kick. A complete celibacy kick. It's difficult but I'm trying to channel this creative energy into something positive.

Basically I'm wearing myself out at the gym and cooking more. That's usually positive unless I'm baking. Then I'm in trouble.

And now I'm off to get ready for the gym.

Everything Old is New Again.

2009-10-06T19:41:00.002-04:00

It's been 2 years since my last post.

It's amazing how much can change in that short amount of time.

The last 2 years (at warp speed):

1. Broke up with s.o., started dating Emotionally Immature Alcoholic (EIA), broke up with him, am currently single and loving it.

2. Am still at the job I was new to when I posted last... and I really like it.

3. I've been in therapy for almost a year now and it's helped my growth tremendously.

4. I've deepened my relationship with God and it's been an amazing journey so far.

5. New apartment, new roommate--one of the best decisions yet.

6. I stopped eating meat almost 2 years ago and haven't really craved it since.

And one old thought: I haven't been able to shake the idea that a writer is what I'm supposed to be. A friend called me a Writer over the weekend to which I replied You have to WRITE to be a Writer... so here I am, trying to make that true. As Elizabeth Gilbert said, "I never promised the Universe I would write well, I just promised that I would write."

It's a beautiful Fall day. Beautiful Fall days make me want to cook, probably because using the stove won't make my living room feel like the surface of the sun. So far I've made Baba Ghanoush, which came out really bitter and I'll feel really bad if I have to throw it out but possibly worse if I have to eat it; caramel apples, which have lost almost all of their caramel to the wax paper under them; and turtle chocolate chip cookies which were premade by Toll House and have 170 calories PER COOKIE. I've only had, oh... FIVE. And I didn't work out today.

It could be (and has been) worse. I had an awesome weekend. I got to spend time with my family which I haven't been able to do for a long time. My niece is coming to see me in a couple of weeks and I'm actually really looking forward to it. I'm not a huge fan of pre-teens but this one is pretty fun.

This time around, I think I'm going to try to write more stories that I have trapped in my head. I might have to start another blog so I can prevent people from reading the drivel that was the beginning of this one, but I'll worry about that once I start posting regularly.

It feels pretty good to get started again. :)

The Blackout

2007-11-12T14:23:00.000-05:00

Goodness. It's been a while since I've posted. I'm just going to go ahead and pretend that someone other than me reads this blog. And I would like to extend an apology to all you imaginary readers for my laziness in posting.

Moving on. I've been absolutely obsessed with Confessions of a Pioneer Woman. If you have a few days to devote to reading her absolutely hysterical/heart warming/envy creating stories, please check out the link in the sidebar. And her story about meeting her husband, Black Heels to Tractor Wheels, is totally swoon-worthy. I can't get enough.

Besides that, I've been preparing to start my new job on Nov 26th. And by "preparing" I mean "doing nothing". Well, I've been thinking about it (that's mentally preparing, right?) And I've let the Bar know that I won't be working anything but weekends soon.

Man, Saturday's game. What a night. What a GAME! GO DAWGS! I've never seen this town whipped into such a frenzy. The energy in the crowd was tangible... and I'm talking about the Bar! I don't like going to games, but I'm sorry I missed that one. Well, not too terribly sorry because I made buckets of money, but hell, I earned it. There is nothing quite like drunken frat boys screaming JAGERBOMB at you because they saw a douchebag on YouTube do it and thought it must be cool if it's online. I survived and went home satisfied and slightly drunk.

Saturday reminded me why I love this town. In spite of all the drunken frat boys, the fist fights outside the Bar, traffic so bad that it took 30 minutes to get through 2 stoplights, I love Game Days. There was so much energy in the air, it was electric. I could have worked all night... There was no way I was getting tired. I'll miss working in the bar... I'm going to try to write a play or a screenplay about it. We'll see. I absolutely hated writing screenplays in school and my head is so full of ideas, it seems there's no way they'll be able to get out. Only one thing to do, right? Try it.

And so I will. Not today though. Last night I spent my pent up energy on way too much beer and jager. And my boyfriend... but I'm pretty sure he was happy about that. ;) Now I'm going to nurse my hangover and try not to puke as I read some more... days like this I wish I still had cable.

And now I would like to thank my imaginary readers for taking the time to explore the crap I keep in my head.

And I'm out.

I'm only happy when it RAINS

2007-10-04T17:45:00.000-04:00

Today is Hormone Day.

Or, maybe more accurately titled: Raging Hormones Cause Loss of Emotional Control Day.

Seriously. It's been building up all week and then this morning I drink a huge cup of coffee (with sugar, because apparently they don't have sugar-free pumpkin spice syrup... if it is a syrup at all. Coffee house mixers confuse me greatly. Is pumpkin spice the coffee or a flavoring? They don't TELL you this!) and everything falls apart. Or more accurately, everything BLOWS apart, since nothing is gentle in the wake of a major caffeine buzz. I had to pour myself a glass of wine just to calm down. I'm ELVIS. Uppers to stay up, downers to calm down... eventually I'll be deep frying peanut butter sandwiches with bananas and bacon and everyone knows how that ends.

So, to soothe the hormonal beast, I got myself some retail therapy. I spent way too much money at a bath and body store, buying pumpkin scented stuff for the house. It's not my fault: I blame my mom. She makes the best pumpkin pie I've ever had and she only makes it from Oct-Dec. Just the smell of pumpkin sends me into a nostalgic frenzy. I'm practically hyperventilating right now--the pumpkin candle I have lit smells so freakin good.

Maybe what I love so much about Fall is all the change... I love the changing leaves, I love it when they all fall off, I love it when the weather finally cools down so that I can wear jeans without looking like I fell into a grease pit face first. Of course, in the South, the actual weather does not abide by a calendar. It's the first week in October, and well, I guess it has cooled off: to only 80 degrees. At least it's down from the triple digits it's been loitering at all summer. And do I hear RAIN?? Holy crap, I'd forgotten what it sounds like.

Yeah, the drought problem? Much worse than anyone has anticipated. The rain I hear is a light shower that will probably last almost an hour and barely dampen the grass. The prognosis is not good at all and no one dares to speculate on what will happen if we don't get some real rain before the new year. I tell you what, I'm going to start stocking up on bottled water. I'll only take a shower every other day if I have to, to conserve water, but I'll be damned if I'm going to jump in and rush through one of my favorite rituals. I love showering. But I hate drying off and everything that comes after that. Weird, huh? Probably. It's just so tedious. But, I guess it's a trade off--looking this good takes a little work. ;)

2007-09-19T14:05:00.000-04:00

So last night was about par for the course of my life right now.

I drank way too much, got in a huge fight with my s.o. (thankfully after we left the bar), drove home (with him machine-gun calling me to tell me that if I get arrested he's not bailing me out of jail--obvs I made it home alright... there are no computers in jail), ordered way too much pizza and passed the eff out on the couch.

I did not accomplish anything on my To Do List yesterday unless I had forgotten to put down "spend all the money you made working 12 hours yesterday."

I tell everyone that I'm taking some time off... I think what I really mean is that I'm taking time to be lazy and not think about my future at all. Am I still getting over being fired? Maybe. I found a book yesterday in a Used Bookstore called "Fat, Forty and Fired" and immediately bought it. I was so relieved to find it, I almost cried in the store. The cover says it's an advance reading copy and not for resale, so I'm not quite sure what to think of the content. I've read the intro and one page and I have high hopes. Surely this book will give me some direction. Ha. What I really need is a shove.

I'm also looking for a roommate. I'm going to post on Craigs List and in the paper... I really like my apartment and don't want to go through the hassle of breaking the lease but I also don't want to have another conversation like the one I'm about to have with the property manager about my very very late rent. I hate having roommates but if I get to pick this one, maybe it won't be so bad. Ha again. I guess we'll see.

Everyone asks me what am I doing... the real answer is I don't know. I feel like I tried the easy way--taking whatever opportunities fell into my lap--and it sucked. My dad is praying (literally) that I find a job in the field in which I worked for a degree. So far this blog is all the writing I've been motivated to do. Keeping with the relentlessly positive philosophy I've adopted, I'm encouraged. It's a start.

And now it's the end. There is more loafing to do before I have to wash my ass and head to work.

Here's to hoping Inspiration will beat me over the head on the way. :)

Lists! I love Lists!

2007-09-18T04:22:00.001-04:00

Here's one:

What I've been doing lately (because who isn't just DYING to know??)

1. I'm working my ass off. Seriously. I love it. WAY better than my last job.

2. Thinking that I never want to find a "real" job again. I love this one--but I think I've mentioned that already.

3. Been planning on going to the store to buy Drano for my clogged bathtub but haven't remembered...

4. Been thinking that if I don't unclog said drain I'm going to have to soak the tub in bleach. For a week.

5. Thinking that maybe I should erase that last entry because it's kind of a gross mental image (well it is NOW!!)

6. Drinking way too much coffee. I really should have gone shopping after work instead of coming back here to stare at my computer and wish I could sleep...

7. I got a library card! I'm so excited. The public library is so much nicer than I expected it to be... and there are so many books to read! (it's been years since I was in a public library... even my the library at my university.)

8. Reconnecting with an old friend.

9. Exercising whenever I get the chance... and so is Sam.

10. Drinking "beer" that my brother and his girlfriend smuggled in to me from Iowa. Iowa is not really known for their beer--there's a reason. If you've tried it, you know what I mean.

11. Finally growing slightly tired... maybe enough to go to sleep.

12. Thinking that Steel Magnolias is a good movie to fall asleep to. ;)

I'm out.

2007-09-14T21:43:00.000-04:00

It's Friday.

Friday night and I'm sitting at home with my computer, a good book and a bottle of wine.

Not too bad, eh?

What kills me is that while I really enjoy time by myself, when I look back, I kind of regret it. I don't have pictures of nights out to share with friends on Myspace or to frame and put on my desk. I don't have crazy stories to share tomorrow at work. What I do have (will have, tomorrow) is a good night's sleep and a well-prepared-for football game day.

God, I feel old.

There was a time when having fun with my friends was more important than getting a good night's sleep. Those crazy nights are the things I remember, right? Not how much sleep I got or that book that is really just light reading and not significant at all. Of course, all my friends were my age back then... and now they're all at least 4 years younger than me. That's my sister's age and she used to be the youngest person I knew. That's what I get for staying in a college town. (to quote "Dazed and Confused", "that's why I love high school girls... I keep getting older and they stay the same age." Of course, I don't love high school girls or college girls or any girls more than dear friends... but you know what I mean!)

The way I feel tonight reminds me of a night in my senior year of high school when my friend Sarah and I were looking for a party. We drove around for almost 2 HOURS looking for this damn thing and never did find it. We had a great time in the car though... we were dancing to Steve Miller Band and cracking up about random shit. We also made a pact that if anyone asked us why we weren't at the party, we would stick to the story that we had found a better one and spent all our time there. Neither of us wanted to admit that we spent the whole night driving around like losers... even though both of us had a blast.

So I guess if anyone asks what I did tonight, I could tell them the boring truth--that I took care of myself and had a quiet evening at home--or I could make some shit up about finding the craziest party and not making it out downtown. I think this is one of those situations where I have to be grateful for what I have, so I don't think I'll be making up stories to entertain listeners.

My worth is not decided by the people listening to my stories, real or fake. That's something I still have to learn... other people do not decide my worth. I do.

Geez, when did this post turn into Dr. Phil?

Relieved

2007-09-06T11:23:00.000-04:00

After 3 months of anxiety and suspense, it's finally done.

No more court dates, hearings, anxiety about jail time or playing nice with the former bosses. Of course, my anxiety about possible jail time was completely unfounded... when things get tough, I get anxious--about everything.

I had my hearing yesterday. It didn't go the way I expected it to--that is, I didn't expect The Corporation to pull out the big guns for just little ol'me. I said everything I had to say and now all there is to do is try to forget about it. Either I win and they give me the money they owe me or nothing changes and I'm still broke as a joke.

I do feel like a weight is lifted now that I'm done with The Corporation. My self-esteem is increasing, I'm taking better care of myself (i.e. trying to lose this weight!), and I'm trying to decide what I really WANT to do. That's the upside.

The downside is that I can't shake the feeling that I'm back where I was 4 years ago. I ran screaming from the bar business and I'm right back in it. Starting at the bottom! Well, it has only been a couple of months and I guess if bartending is what I have to fall back on, I'm not doing too bad.

My s.o. just brought me a big bowl of chicken tortilla soup from McAlisters. It's delicious and hot and helping to clear my sinuses. Thank God for that... I haven't felt this sick in a long time.

Catchy Title

2007-08-27T18:14:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've posted. Haven't felt like writing lately. Kinda ironic because I used to daydream about leaving The Corporation and all the writing I'd be able to do once I left. Well, here I am. Let the inspiration begin!

Since my last post, I've:

1. Finished the new Harry Potter. It was a great way to end the story. I'm so glad they made the books into movies--there's still something to look forward to! I finished it a lot faster than I thought I would. I was over 500 pages in after my first 5-hour reading marathon.

2. Had my hair cut and colored by the hysterical and gifted Shayne at City Salon.

3. Been working like a mad man. Too bad there's not more to show for it, but football is coming and then we'll all be rich! At least, that's the mantra that keeps getting repeated at The Bar.

4. Got back in contact with an old, well, we'll call her a friend. This "friend" and I had a pretty bad falling out in which she really hurt my feelings and not only has not apologized, but insists that she was in the right. Whatever. I guess it's not worth it. Or is it? Time will tell...

I guess that's about it. I need a project or something to work on, to keep me busy. I'm pretty much a vampire now--going to work from 10pm-5am and sleeping until about 2pm. Doesn't leave a lot of time in the day to get things done. I need wine storage and a coffee table...maybe the s.o. and I can work out something. He can build just about anything.

There's some chicken in the fridge calling to me...

Cheers.

I think I can I think I can

2007-08-21T10:46:00.000-04:00

I was just thinking about the Little Engine That Could. About how he never gave up, even when success seemed impossible, the road was too long and he was exhausted.

It's funny to me how the morals of my childhood stories mean more to me now than they did when I was read them. Of course, I didn't know anything about life then. So maybe the stories do what they are supposed to.

and I'm FREE

2007-08-20T23:18:00.000-04:00

Weeeeeee! I am officially free! All of this nightmarish court stuff is finally over. I had a great day in court today with a very understanding and patient prosecutor. Now if The Corporation will only pay my unemployment, I'll finally be able to truly start fresh. I feel like a new person. It's amazing.

One thing that struck me while I was in jail (for the 8 hours I spent in that holding cell) was how easy it seemed to get there. I was put there because my license was suspended because of a ticket I didn't pay from 2006. I didn't know that it was suspended... neither did I know that police DO NOT, in fact, give you any leeway when it comes to paying your tag tax. My bday is June 5 and I was pulled over on June 22. I thought you had the whole month to pay it... NOT SO. I was terrified on the way to court today. I didn't know if they would be as mean as they were in jail, but as my s.o. pointed out, you're a person again in the courtroom. I thank God that things went as well as they did. Now I can finally get on with my life.

And that consists of pretty much nothing but work right now. I still have a ton of stuff to pay off so I'm trying to pick up as many shifts as possible. I want to do some more reading, but I need to spend my money on things like keeping the lights on so the new books will have to wait. Unless of course, I can borrow the new Harry Potter and then no one will see me for at least a week until I finish it. I've been trying to re-read my favorite books, but it feels like watching a DVD I've already seen a few too many times. The old favs just can't keep my attention right now... except David Sedaris. I can read his books over and over again. Maybe it's because each story is different and I always find something I missed the first (few) times I read the story. I've tried reading "The Road Less Traveled" again because it meant a lot to me when I read it the first time 10 years ago, but it's feeling dated to me now. If anyone reading this has any suggestions on books to try, please let me know. I love a good story. Stephen King had a few suggestions in his memoir and I put those on my Amazon Wish List. (that might be a hint if I thought anyone was actually reading this...)

I should go get ready for bed now. I have to work in the morning (and by morning I mean almost noon) and today has been a very long day.

Cheers!

A Quick Pep Talk for Myself

2007-08-16T20:41:00.000-04:00

The Power of The Mind.

It's a wonderful thing. "The Alchemist" says whenever you want something, the universe conspires to help you get it (in so many words.) I guess the key is to focus on what it is that you want.

Tonight will be a Good Night. We will be busy and I will make more than I need to put some stuff in order. That's what I want.

Now I just have to go get it.

On Writing (is awesome)

2007-08-13T22:09:00.000-04:00

I've been reading Stephen King's "On Writing". The first half is a memoir and the second half is pretty much an instruction manual. I love his instructions on writing: write like a maniac until you have the entire story out, then put it away for 6 weeks and don't even think about re-reading it. That's exactly what I've found that I have to do with stories I write... if I read them too soon after I write them, I hate them. I want to fix everything and more often than not, I throw it out. Sometimes I'll stuff them in a drawer or a box and when I find them some time later (usually the next time I move, which is practically every year) I read them and wonder what I thought was so terrible. Sometimes I'm actually impressed with my writing--but I keep those to myself because I don't want anyone to rain on my parade (whether it's deserved or not.)

What I really want to read is the new Harry Potter. I can't bring myself to pay the $20 for the hardcover, so I'm trying to restrain myself. It's actually not to difficult since I can't find a spare $20 anywhere, but God help me if I make a ton of money some night this week.

My court date is approaching next week and I have to make sure I have all my ducks in a row. I'm really nervous. I know exactly what I'm going to do, thanks to a wonderful friend with a law practice, but I'm still afraid they're going to find a reason to throw me back in jail. I wonder if everyone that's been in jail thinks that... it's pretty traumatizing. Maybe I'll make the s.o. go with me so he can tear me away and help me get to a non-extradition country. I'll have to do some more planning.

That's it for today... I've caught some cold and am fighting it off with Advil Cold & Sinus and a Miller Lite. I should probably trade that for some hot tea...

Cheers!

Another post... in my New Blog excitement

2007-08-12T19:23:00.000-04:00

Back from cleaning duty. I look a lot worse, probably smell a whole lot worse, but I actually feel a lot better. I went in with the worst hangover but the combination of another beer and a lot of sweat made me feel like a new woman. Which is why, of course, I'm sitting here drinking a Miller Lite. I'm gonna have to put the brakes on. I always drink way too much when I'm bartending.

My dad suggested that I start making notes of funny people and situations in the bar and writing short stories based on the notes. I might give it a try. If anything, it would be good practice to start thinking creatively again.

I love my house (and by "house" I mean apartment) right now. It's clean (well, except for all the unfolded clean clothes all over my bed), cold and silent.

I need silence.

I also need a shower. Badly. I'm starting to get chills because my shirt is soaked with sweat and it's pretty chilly in here. Is it weird that I don't really like to shower? I love the water and getting clean, I think it's the drying part I don't like. It's too much trouble. Yeah, I can be pretty lazy sometimes.

I'm out like a fat kid in dodgeball.

Cheers!

New Beginning

2007-08-12T15:00:00.000-04:00

It's been over a year since my last post. So much has happened in that time... I got a promotion, was completely miserable for about a year, was arrested and fired (in the same week!)

Hard to tell if losing my job is really the "good thing" I keep telling everyone it is. I'm bartending again in the town that I love, so that's a good thing but I'm not making any money yet. I know things are about to pick up and soon I should be swimming in cash, but I still feel like I've taken a huge step back to where I was 3 years ago. Haven't I learned anything?

What do I want to do? Do I have to decide? Isn't not deciding a decision in itself? I'm hoping that restarting this blog might help me figure a few things out. Maybe get me writing again. I think that's what I'm supposed to do... I just don't know where to start.

Right now I'm going to eat something and head down to the bar for a lovely 3 hours of fighting hangover/cleaning/meeting.

Cheers!

Lent, Diets, Oprah and Serial Killers. Random.

2006-03-07T16:28:00.000-05:00

Ah, Lent. I've been Catholic since I was a teeny infant so Lent has always been a big part of my faith. During the 40 days of Lent, you'r supposed to give up something so that the suffering you experience will bring you closer to God. I used to give up sweets to try to lose a few pounds, but it rarely worked. Then I tried making a promise to do something instead of give something up, with the rationalization that giving something up is really more about personal gain (or loss, in terms of weight.) This year I've given up beer, liquor and procrastination. Guess which one I'm having the most trouble with.

And now I'm feeling guilty along with procrastinating. But the guilt isn't enough to make me stop. I've already lost today. I have to go work out in less than an hour... better to get something done with my day, right? I drank too much wine last night, which made it much harder to get motivated to do anything.

Yech, I'm watching an episode of Oprah about child molestors and abusers. Oprah was describing their crimes and they are truly disgusting. I have a 7 yr old niece and I don't know what I would do if anyone tried to hurt her. Well, I have an idea of what I'd like to do, but I don't know exactly what I'm capable of. Thankfully no one in my family has been victimized by someone else. Yech. Now I feel all dirty.

I watched this show about serial killers the other day, about how they could be the nice guy next door--as was the BTK killer-- and when I went grocery shopping later, I was wary of anyone that stared, even looked, at me for longer than a second. They might be a serial killer! During the show, when the BTK killer was confessing his crimes in court, he was so calm and unemotional it made my stomach hurt. Really. He told how he would talk to his victims before he raped them, then killed them, and how when one woman threw up after locking her kids in the bathroom, he helped her clean up and got her a glass of water before killing her. I've never seen evil personified before and it freaked me out. And what's really gross, BTK stands for Bind, Torture, Kill. He signed his notes to the police with that signature. (shudder) Gross.

Okay. So now I'm procrastinating, freaked out and still have to get ready to go to the gym. I'm going to a spinning class and then possibly pilates. I haven't been in over 3 months so we'll see if I can make the 2 hours. I've gotten so fat, and this time I'm not even kidding. I'm probably the biggest I've ever been and I need to take it down a couple sizes. I'd like to lose 30-40 pounds before August. Think I can do it? Maybe. I've already been cutting out the pizza, ice cream and beer that got me here. Wish me luck.

Back to Work

2006-02-10T15:18:00.000-05:00

Is there anything as satisfying as the sound of an ankle popping? I've sprained my ankle(s) numerous times and each time they heal, if I move my ankle just right, I'll get it to crack. The louder the crack, the more satisfying it is to me. Weird? I also pull the dead skin off my feet and pick my nose (using a tissue, of course) so maybe I'm just weird. Or gross.

I've been sick for about 2 weeks now. I blame it partly on my boyfriend. He's sick too but I can still remember when I was well... and then he got me sick. Jerk. Of course, beer and liquor do not make anything better and I didn't stop drinking until a couple of days ago (and it was damn time too... you know you're hitting it too hard when nothing tastes good anymore.) Everyone once in a while I feel like absolute ASS but I'm getting by alright.

It's funny to me how every aptitude test I've ever taken (including the ones on tickle.com, which I paid for because I'm an idiot) tell me I should be an actress or a journalist. I have wanted to be both in my lifetime and even went so far as to get a Bachelor of Arts in Journalism at a pretty well known J-school and have chosen so far not to use it at all. Instead I'm a slave to my phone and other people's schedules. My job is pretty fun but not so challenging or stimulating. They (the Powers That Be) try, but I think I need something that's going to keep me busy and challenged on a daily basis. I'm looking, that's for sure... probably about as hard as my lazy-ass boyfriend is... and I have a job!

Alright... back to work.

Apparently I am of dubious character...

2006-01-21T13:37:00.000-05:00

Man, what is wrong with me? I joined a sorority in college, drained my dad's bank account, got shitty grades while seriously fucking up my credit, had to live with my mom for a year while going to school locally so that I could get back into the University I left and didn't hear from any of "my sisters" in the sorority once I left. When I came back to school, I didn't want to have anything to do with them--not just because I realized that I didn't have any true friends in there (with the notable exception of a few, but they left the sorority too... how interesting) but because I realized I didn't need that kind of pressure in my life. I hated feeling like I was always trying to catch up to everyone else and that I had to go along to get along. I'm a very independent person... I hated feeling left out if I wasn't doing what everyone else was all the time. It turns out that I'm an alumni. Some how I fell through the cracks and they didn't make me "officially" quit, but everyone knows I did. Of course, since I'm listed as an alumni, I'm using that to whatever advantage I can. I put it on my resume, for example. Anything for a foot in the door, right?

So. There's all that. And then I joined My Space. And I put in a request to join the sorority's group. I did that before I checked the comments and found that there is an alumni on the advisory board of the chapter that I used to belong to who lives in my town and wants to meet other "sisters". If she finds a way to contact me, I'm going to basically tell her to fuck off (much nicer than that.) But what does that say about me? Why did I join that group? Just to have it on my profile? Wow, I'm pretty superficial.

I really hate it when I make extremely unflattering realizations about myself.

Paradigm of Productivity:

2006-01-16T15:38:00.000-05:00

1. Stay up until 5am talking to your boyfriend about past relationships; feel icky at first, then grow closer through the process.
2. Sleep until 9am, then watch episodes of Charmed and ER on TNT until boyfriend gets up.
3. Eat bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats while watching TV.
4. Boyfriend gets up, boyfriend goes back to sleep, make egg sandwich while finishing ER.
5. Boyfriend wakes up, take out dog, throw ball, eat yogurt while watching beginning of CSI marathon on Spike TV.
6. Continue on couch watching CSI until boyfriend leaves to pick up roommate stranded at Pep Boys.
7. Fall back to sleep.
8. Wake up when boyfriend returns with roommate, take out dog, throw ball, come in and watch TV with boyfriend and pot-smoking roommate.
9. Take shots of Makers Mark out of 50ml bottle with boyfriend while watching Napoleon Dynamite (in which roommate was part of cast.)
10. Eat 1 piece each of 2 pizzas that boyfriend and roommate have cooked because they're high. Grab beer and escape to bedroom to play on computer.
11. Continue to watch CSI marathon while searching through fav websites.
12. Consider getting another beer.
13. Try to work up motivation to go to gym for Spinning class or Step/Abs at 5:30.
14. Scrap gym idea, try to work up motivation to get to work.

And here we are. Fourteen bullets, starting at 9am. Man, am I lazy or what? Well, you know, it's a holiday, right? I don't want any crap about how I should be doing something for the community in honor of Dr. King... I'm doing my part for the environment by not driving my car. Bite me.

2006-01-04T21:08:00.000-05:00

My teeth have sweaters on them. They probably feel like that because I haven't brushed them yet today. Before you get all grossed out, I've been working on organizing M's dining room/my storage area since 10am, no kidding. Did I mention that he didn't help at all? Well, that's not entirely true... I begged him to help me break down boxes and throw out all the empty beer bottles before his friend came over and he did, a little. But now I'm hiding in his room watching the Rose Bowl because I'm too embarrassed to be out there seeing the mess through fresh eyes. If I wanted the house to be as clean as I'd like it to be, I'd be picking up after these boys every single day and I'm just not going to do that. So the house is worse that disgusting. I'm afraid if the cops showed up for any reason, they would take our dogs and report us to Animal Control or whatever agency rescues pets. I'm only exaggerating a little. It really is that bad. And I can deal with it if it's just our dirty little secret, but when Matt actually invites his friends over and won't clean up, I'm hiding in the room.

Venting is nice, huh? I've been so incredibly unproductive today. I should have been doing so much more work than I got done. I know that because I organized all my crap, it should make me more efficient in the long run, but I have to play catch up tomorrow. And I'm training a new girl... that will be a little awkward: I know I've said that all this is done, but it's really not and don't tell anyone, okay? Yeah. That'll be a great first impression. Oh well. Gotta break them in somehow, right?

I need another beer. I have more crap to vent but I'd rather just forget it and watch Texas beat the crap out of USC (I hope. UGA disppointed me so much I can barely talk about it. I actually had nightmares about the Sugar Bowl.)

I'm out.

The Procrastination Station

2005-12-30T11:21:00.000-05:00

Christmas is over... didn't it go so fast? I think the earth actually spins faster sometimes, because I'm not the only person that thinks our Christmas season has sped by. It's probably just the pace we're all living at now... waaaaay too fast. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. I'll be spending it at a "cocktail party" where supposedly we're all supposed to dress up, but I'm not really feelin that. I'm never comfortable when I'm all tucked, pulled and made up. I act all weird... like I'm supposed to be more elegant and eloquent when I look like that... and that, of course, makes me seem the opposite. So, I may just crash the party in my jeans and flip flops. M doesn't want to dress up either, but that's because he's gained some weight and may not have clothes that fit him. He's been acting like a girl, complaining about how fat he is, but still polishing off a gallon of ice cream and a pizza in a night. Stupid. I'm dragging him to the gym with me when I start going again (I'm not getting in to that.)

So. Any resolutions? I'm not sure I have any. My manager wants us to turn in Goals for the new year at work. What the hell should I write? It's not exactly a job that has a lot of growth potential... Not with all the people that tell us what we can and can't do. I guess I'll just make something up. I got through school that way, and I seem to have done alright. Maybe that's what my teachers meant when they called me creative. :)

My resolutions... I'll have to think about this. Probably to stop procrastinating, but I have until Sunday to get them down.

2005-11-19T17:26:00.000-05:00

I'm quitting my job and becoming a slut in Las Vegas. Not even a paid professional, although my experience will increase over time until I might be called a pro by some. I never want to get married, I never want to have kids, I never want any of the stuff I once thought I wanted. If I really believed this, it might make my life easier.

See, I do want to get married, I do want to have kids and my boyfriend knows it. And now he wants to use this information to help him get a better rate on his car insurance. I'm sure that's not what he thought when he agreed to go with his friend's plan (that sells all kinds of insurance and wants to help my S.O. because he was recently fired and lost his company truck.) But that's what I thought of when said friend started explaining that if I would pretend I was married on my new policy, I and my "husband" would get better rates. I already have car insurance. I don't need to change, thank you very much. And especially not at the expense of something that I hold very dear and my S.O. doesn't think very much of.

Okay, so I might be a little drunk and I might be a little irritable since I'm getting sick and it seems that every girl at our tailgate is hotter than me, no matter what I do, but that's besides the point. My S.O. should have talked to me about this alone, not let his friend bring it up. That might have made it better...

I'm sure I'll regret this post when I sober up. I always do. And probably erase it. But, we'll see.

I'm out, bitches.

2005-11-05T19:36:00.000-05:00

20 Reasons why I love my Boyfriend (M); A Year and a Half Tribute Post:

1. He's such a teddy bear even when he's grumpy.
2. He'll eat anything I cook and compliment me even if it's overdone or tastes like ass.
3. He buys me a super-soft blanket (when I already have 5) just because he knows I love it.
4. He can fix anything, anytime, anywhere (and I'm not even exaggerating... he's amazing with his hands.)
5. He complements me perfectly--he's a Math guy, I'm an English girl... he can figure out stuff that makes me feel like a complete idiot.
6. He makes me feel like I can accomplish anything I want with just a decision.
7. He can't keep his hands off of me.
8. He makes me feel like the most gorgeous woman in the world--no matter where we are or what we're doing...whether we're in Home Depot or a bar downtown.
9. He tells me he loves me every time he thinks it.
10. He has had friends for 30 years that he still talks to on a daily basis.
11. He has inpeccable manners.
12. He has an incredibly dirty mind.
13. He loves that I get all his dirty jokes--and he loves my equally dirty mind.
14. He motivates me.
15. He supports every decision I make.
16. He helps me see the truth of things.
17. He's the only guy in the room that doesn't drool over the new hot blonde girl in our circle of friends.
18. I never see him checking out other women.
19. He tells me how beautiful he thinks I am every time he sees me.
20. I'm never afraid to totally be myself around him.

It's getting so old...

2005-11-03T18:24:00.000-05:00

The honeymoon's over. I've been at this job for almost a year now, and I'm officially sick of it. I just don't give a damn anymore about doing a good job, and am thinking that what I get paid to do (obvs not enough--I wouldn't be complaining if it were!) is such a load of bullshit that in about a year, my company will discover they don't need my department anymore. The sales people can do exactly what they've been doing--nothing--and no sales will be lost. Ain't nuthin gonna stop these muthas from gittin theys liquor!

So I'm putting my resume in with a pharmaceutical company. Supposedly there's someone who may be retiring (I know, way to hang in there for the sure thing, right?) and I'm getting pretty excited about trying for this job. It's $$$. My super boyfriend thinks that I'm so pretty, I'll be a shoo-in, but of course he would. I guess I should get my ass in gear and start working on that resume... I'd be willing to jump through some hoops for more than twice what they pay me now, plus bonuses and a company car. I'm such a whore. :)

Oh, and M's getting me a puppy for Christmas! I'm not supposed to talk about it to him anymore since that's all I've been doing, but I'm a research person! I look shit up! And I obsess about it... but what the hell. Shit's gotta git done right!

And, I'm audi.

Why I'll never win the lottery (besides the fact that I forget to play)

2005-10-20T10:34:00.000-04:00

I just checked my bank account balance and I have 25 cents in it. That's it. That's what I have to live off of for the next 7 days. No money for food, gas, clothes... nada. How am I going to live? What am I going to wear? I have to go to work and I don't have any gas in my car... How am I going to get gas?? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??? I ran to my bed and barricaded myself from the bad news under my pillows and blankets. But... there is a full gas can in the garage and... I don't want to buy new clothes until I've lost some more weight and... I have a brother, a roommate and a boyfriend who love me and would take care of me if I needed it... and I get paid again next Thursday.

So the moral is, things are never as bad as they first seem. Weird, but being broke inspires me to clean up... when I have money, I get very lazy, and it's only when I'm broke that I really appreciate the things I have. That's why I could never win the lottery. That shit would kill me.

No, I really am jealous, superficial and wannabe-fake.

2005-09-27T17:41:00.000-04:00

So I was checking out Casey Reinhardt's MySpace profile (get the link at pinkisthenewblog.com--the best and most addictive website in existence!) and is it wrong that I wish I was her?

She's gorgeous, rich, and could probably have whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. I sat there reading her (slightly less than intelligent) blurbs about herself, feeling myself get toadier by the second when it occured to me, she's got fake tits. And fake hair. And probably caps on her teeth. BUT, who really cares? What she's done is the same as taking a great car and suping it up until it's the hottest thing on the road. Other people drive the same great car, they just don't have either the time, money or desire to make it the hottest, fastest thing anyone has ever seen. They have to get to work on time or get their kids to school and they can't worry about all that extra shit.

So I pulled myself out of toad-dom and felt better. I know I'm a pretty girl, I just don't have time for all that crap. And that brings me to the conclusion that Casey is not better than me! (or you!) Hey, that even means that all those bitches on Laguna Beach are not better than me. (or you, again!!) On that note: It's really funny to me that the bitches of the show are now claiming that they're not really that bitchy, that MTV edited the footage to create a "character" of them. Riiiiiiiiiight. You're just a bitch. Deal with it. (you can check out all the Laguna bitches on pinkisthe newblog.com. I told you it's addictive.)

Okay, so now I have to drag my ass to the gym, to try to work off probably 3 years of fat I've been diligently putting on and storing in my gut. Wish me luck.

I'm out, bitches.

Right Now I Am....

2005-09-16T20:52:00.000-04:00

1. Drinking beer
2. Blogging
3. Listening to my boyfriend and his friends play a heads-up Texas Hold-Em poker tournament.
4. Remembering how when I was a child in Texas, and my parents put us to bed so that they could hang out with their friends unbothered by kiddies, I used to stay awake listening to my parents and their friends laughing and felt so safe, content, and secure.
5. Missing that feeling.
6. Thinking that maybe I'm becoming a little too anal. I'm kinda high-strung, although I hate to think of myself that way, and managing brings out my analness.
7. Wondering why I put up with all this bullshit when what I really want to be doing is hiking the Appalachian trail for 6 months, alone.
8. Thinking that #7 is probably a lie. I'm a Gemini, I have no idea what I want.
9. Wondering what I'm going to do with my life since writing seems to be only a therapeutic activity and probably not one that will become my bread'n'butter, as I once believed.
10. Thinking that the 1.5 hours I spent at the gym this morning have been completely negated by the cheese dip I just ate. (I made it, it was so good.)
11. Damn, I'm proud of myself for the 1.5 hours I spent at the gym this morning. Body Pump followed by 45 mins of interval training on the eliptical machine. I'm gonna be HOT.

And with that, I'm out.

Chop! Chop! Back to Work!

I watched Closer last night.

2005-09-15T10:06:00.000-04:00

Old people always say, Time Flies. Well, I think they're right. I'm not sure if this is because I'm getting older, but last week at this time, I thought today would never come. And here it is. And it's almost like this past weekend never even happened. Not that today is special or anything, but I had a very busy weekend that I had been preparing for for at least 3 months, and I thought it would never end. But it did. No fireworks, no apocalypse, just... The End.

Another weekend is coming... in Athens, GA, time is measured by UGA football games. In the week between each one there is a ton of stuff to be done. This is true for me in a couple of ways; 1. I have to clean the house and get it ready for company, which is a never-ending task. 2. I have promotions each weekend that have to be prepared for, which often takes a week (small tasks spread over many days.)

And before I know it, Christmas is here, then New Years, then Easter... it just never stops (of course, I'm grateful for that, because otherwise I'd be D-E-D dead.)

I don't plan on getting married anytime soon, but I do want to have children. And since time is flying so quickly, should I be thinking about that now? I'm such a child still... I can barely take care of myself. When my mother was my age, she had 2 kids and would be having a third in less than 2 years. Were people more grownup then, or did they just take on too much too fast, which would explain why every parental unit of my childhood friends is dissolved (including my own.) But if we're waiting for ourselves to be ready to take on these challenges and not regret them, will we wait too long?

It's becoming more and more impossible to take a break in life... more stores are open 24 hrs, people are getting up earlier and working later to get more done, only to get up the next day and start again. Are we setting this breakneck pace because we're afraid Time will catch up to us? And isn't it odd that the faster we move, the faster time flies.

And why is it that when I wake up in the morning, my hands smell weird? What do I touch when I'm sleeping?

2005-08-24T01:13:00.000-04:00

To Whom it May Concern,

Taking one minute out of your online poker game to talk to your girlfriend that you only see 2 days a week and haven't really talked to all day long (when you used to call her at least 10 times a day) is NOT too much to ask, even if you do lose your seat at the table. IT'S ONLINE POKER. A new game would start by the time you finished asking me how my day went (which you didn't by the way.) That fucking sucks.

Reasons why I hate Wachovia

2005-08-18T09:24:00.000-04:00

1. They hire the dumbest people with the most condescending voices to answer the customer service line and repeat the same sentence over and over using slightly different words by way of explanation.
2. These retardly stupid people can't answer a question unless they have their script in front of them--does it bother anyone else that this drooling idiot has control of and actual access to my money?
3. The on-hold music is awful... not just awful, but self-mutilation-inducing-awful, as I'd enjoy carving musical notes into my upper thigh more than listening to that fucking saxophone for 3 minutes.
4. The customer service people are quite possibly the LEAST helpful people I have ever spoken to or tried to get an answer from.
5. Wachovia must have inserted phrases like "you know" into their script to make their speech sound more spontaneous and less like a 2nd grader reading. It doesn't work. The "you knows" sound completely planted, which makes me think those script writers are morons too (which wouldn't be surprising in the least) or the Customer Service Representative really IS retarded, in which case I would applaud their dedication to helping disabled people. Just don't let the retard near my money, fucker.
6. They're shady. Banks are shady. Supposedly they've given us ways to track what they're doing--online banking, for example. But when I checked my bank balance at MIDNIGHT, what I saw was totally different than what greeted me at 9 this morning. I asked why but my ears started bleeding when I got a repeated Not-an-answer and I couldn't listen anymore.

That's it. I'm taking my money out of the bank, stashing it under my mattress and faking my own death so the IRS won't get me. I see no other way to exist without having to deal with a bank. (However, I did finally open a Savings Account, so that might cut down on my having to deal with Customer No-Service. The Fuckers.)

Sweet Little Monkeys

2005-08-01T11:18:00.000-04:00

Our Promo Team!!

Here we are... aren't we cute? This was from our dinner with the Big Bosses. They took us out to make us like them so we'd stop asking them for stuff that they promised us months ago... no, I'm sure their intentions were pure... but the whole experience was a little like watching monkeys in the zoo. Except we were the monkeys. Dinner was great... we went to this fantastic restaurant in Atlanta called Rathbuns. It's in the middle of nowhere--thank God Google gives perfect directions. Anyway... back to work.

Out of Control Voyuerism

2005-07-19T14:10:00.000-04:00

I'm late again. And about to be even later after I'm done writing this. Want to know why I'm late?

Celebrity gossip. Really. How stupid is that? Why do I care that Britney has chopped off all her hair and looks really awful or that Anna Nicole Smith lost her shit at Myrtle Beach (that was really freaking funny.) I'm addicted... I envy these people and I love to make fun of them. I used to feel that they should be left alone... they're just doing their job and how would I like it if every time I stepped out of the house there were photographers in my face?

And you know what? It's NOT me! It's never going to be me--I am never going to be a celebrity or have as much money as these people have. Sooooooo, GO GETTUM!! Tell me everything stupid or embarrassing they do so I won't envy them anymore... Make me glad that I don't have to "make sure I wear cute sweats to Starbucks" (as Crazy Katie Holmes has said.) I like that I can wander around in jeans that haven't been washed in a week with my greasy hair and no makeup and not worry that someone is going to wonder if I've turned into a crackwhore.

You know what else? The celebrity-voyeur craze has gotten so out of control that even minor Has-beens are cashing in. Anyone seen an episode of Being Bobby Brown? I hope neither he nor Whitney ever works again after allowing themselves to be taped behaving like that. I want to look away or turn the channel but I can't... I want to see what they're going to do next. And I guess that's the draw to these shows. What will they do to fuck up next? WATCH AND SEE!! (and be glad it isn't you!)

Stubby Chubby

2005-07-14T18:39:00.000-04:00

Dude!

I have allowed myself to become so FAT!! My clothes still fit, but there is girth and bulge where there used to be none. I blame bf. He always buys the BEST ice cream!! And what can I do but eat it? I never buy junk for myself, but if it's around, it's going in my mouth. Repeatedly.

RESTRAINT, RESTRAINT, RESTRAINT. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. I joined a gym last week and have been... oh, it's been.... once, now. I keep meaning to go but something seems to come up. Funny how that happens. I wish I had a potion like on that movie with Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep where they live forever but don't take good care of themselves and start falling apart--literally (it's icky)... okay, maybe that's a bad idea (and not such a great movie either.)

Well, wish me luck. I'm going to try to avoid eating this delicious chocolate cake my roommate made to take to her friend's house and now WILL NOT. She KNOWS about my junk food addiction but REFUSES to help. What an ENABLER. Damn.

FOOTBALL ROCKS!!!

2005-07-06T21:25:00.000-04:00

So I went to get a credit card today. I want it for work--I have an expense account but I rarely have money to spend for it. A credit card with a limit the exact amount of my expense account would be perfect, right?

I have yet to find out if I was approved. There are some questionable, uh, let's say... instances, in my past that may land me on the disapproval list.

Okay. Let's be honest. There are more than a few instances that would make them want to kick me out of the building laughing the whole way. And with each question the bank guy asked, I got more anxious. I tore my nails to pieces while I was sitting there... I hope the guy didn't notice. I almost started laughing imagining this nice professional guy get so upset that someone like me would dare to ask him for a line of credit that he'd pick up his computer, shirt splitting the the Hulk, throw it out the window while roaring GET OUT (like Ahnold) !!!!

But of course... it was all in my head. Real life is never as dramatic or spontaneous as I imagine it.

I just finished watching Any Given Sunday and I might just watch it again. I love football movies! I can't wait for football season to start. I was never a huge football fan but I love all the drama and superstition that diehard fans get wrapped up in--especially my bf. He and his friends are so superstitious, they'll wear the same clothes without washing them, insist on sitting in the same place and one friend of bf's had to squeeze my shoulder every time we had the ball. He insisted I was his good luck charm. It was kind of cute but it kind of hurt--he was pretty drunk and it was an intense game. Anyway. I love that stuff.

What's that? There's beer in the fridge? I'm there.

Alright. I'm out.

Party like a Rock Star

2005-07-05T09:20:00.000-04:00

Happy Fourth of July!

I hope everyone is recovering nicely. I did my partying Sat night so I was able to enjoy all the sparkly explosiveness without fear (of losing a limb--we set our own fireworks off--more on that later.) I think it's a good idea at an outdoor party at 4 o'clock in the afternoon on the 2nd of July to serve water outside along with beer. I was outside, beer was outside, water was far away, inside. So what did I drink as if it were water? You guessed it.

Water would not have turned me into the raging retard that the beer did. My bf is so wonderful--when he saw how extremely drunk I was getting, he stopped drinking so he could drive me home (about 20 mins away.) I fell up some stairs, I smoked some weed, I made business deals to promote my friend's salon in return for free haircuts, I woke up with black and green bruises all over my legs (stairs?) and had the most horrific hangover at 4am. It was an awesome party. My ex was there and although I was worried that that would turn into an ugly scene (which I always worry about when he is around--he is very hard to handle when he's drunk) we managed to stay away from each other ( I think) and a good time was had by all.

This morning I'm racing around trying to get ready for my meeting... back to work! Chop Chop!

Activities since my last blog entry:

2005-06-26T13:49:00.000-04:00

1. Preparing for Gay Pride promos in Atlanta (which are finally over!!)
1.5. Feeling relieved that Gay Pride promos went so much better than I thought they would.
2. Getting over this cough I've had for 3 weeks.
3. Not freaking out that my throat is still swollen after 3 weeks.
4. Self tanning like it's my job.
5. Drinking way too much Diet A&W rootbeer.
5.5 Not drinking anything with alcohol.
6. Spending tons of time with my boyfriend before he has to go back to work.
7. Watching movies on HBO (or skinemax or whatever other movie channel has anything decent on.)
8. Eating PB&J for practically every meal.
9. Stressing about the cost of gas.
10. Thinking that I don't have anything to say that's interesting so why bother blogging? (proof?)
11. Planning how I'm going to add to my wardrobe as soon as I get paid again because I'll have most of my major debts paid off!! (yea!)
12. Making myself thinner with the power of my mind.
13. Downing TrimSpa like it's candy.
14. Teaching Sam (my bf's dog) to catch a ball in the air.
15. Being trained by Sam to throw the ball when he places it in my lap.
16. Getting my skin clear after neglecting it at night.
17. Thinking about plans for my bf's birthday in September.
18. Planning a party to reward the girls that work for me.
19. Trying to remember to get in touch with old friends.
20. Downloading different ringtones for each person programmed into my phone.
21. Listening for the new ringtones so I'll actually answer the phone when it rings.
22. Coming up with new promo ideas.
23. Being satisfied that my ideas are listened to and enjoying my climb up the ladder.
24. Helping to clean my bf's house.
25. Sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.
26. Embracing my inner retard, as suggested by nutmeggy.
27. Discovering possible answers to my parents' divorce.
28. Looking forward to seeing my sister and celebrating my birthday (a month late.)
29. Enjoying being lazy.
30. Finishing the Hemmingway novel I've been drifting through.

A stripper grabbed my boobs!!

2005-06-10T16:09:00.000-04:00

We did end up at the titty bar last night!!

It was the most fun I'd ever had at a strip club with my boyfriend. It was also the first time I sat at the stage and definitely the first time a stripper has grabbed my breasts.

We all got ridiculously drunk and I knew it was time to leave when my friend wanted to hook up with the stripper that grabbed me (which I didn't hate, by the way.)

Now my boyfriend is sleeping on the couch and has been all day, after begging me to kill him when he woke up this morning. I'm trying to get motivated to do some work but so far all I've done is log in more than a few movie hours. Right now it's "Tequila Sunrise" and it's really good.

2005-06-09T20:51:00.000-04:00

I am Exercising!!!

I'm about to go run/walking for the 2nd day in a row!! Yesterday I had boundless energy but today I'm going to be dragging a bit more... could be the fries, queso and 2 beers that I had with dinner, but I'm not going to let that stop me!! I am a running machine!!

Then I'm going back to the bar to pick up my drunkass boyfriend whom I left there in the company of his equally drunkass friend. Now that's going to be funny. Here's to hoping they don't get WAY too drunk and get tired of waiting for me, decide they're able to drive and end up at the titty bar downtown. Not because I'm against titty bars, which I'm not, but they won't let a girl in without a male escort (to cut down on the jealous/insane wives/girlfriends, you understand) and it will probably cost me money to see girls dance around in pasties and Gstrings. I can see that on Skinemax for free at home.

My boyfriend is so funny... we have so much fun together. It's weird to meet someone that has so much the same mind as me, who really understands me. Enough mush. I should enjoy it while I can because when I go pick him up, he'll do nothing but irritate me. He's really good at it.

Off I go to get my run on!!

2005-06-02T19:40:00.000-04:00

Sometimes when someone tells me a story, it gets stuck in my head forever.

Especially if I'm in a situation that's similar to the story I heard.

So about 7 years ago, I was working at Chilis in Augusta and we had this restaurant manager that liked to fraternize with the servers. A LOT. Apparently he felt comfortable telling us anything because this is what I remember him saying:

"Girls can get pregnant at any time--even on her cycle. That's how [insert name of girlfriend turned wife] got pregnant. "

Now, I believed it when I heard it, but in reality, there are only 24 hours out of the month for a normal girl to get pregnant. And for her to get pregnant on her cycle, they must have done it when she first started. And for me, the beginning of my cycle is a time of hiding underneath huge clothes, sleeping with heating pads and whining. It's also the heaviest time of the month. It's just gross.

This is why that story disturbs me: Every time after I have sex, I try to remember when I took my birth control pill and I think of that story. And every time I think of that story, I picture that manager's face telling us how he had sex with his wife during the heaviest part of her cycle which is just disgusting enough, but why would you tell people that? (Even if he didn't put it like that, people who know will know, if you know what I mean.) And then think about the one time I had sex during my cycle (it was ONLY one time and it was so disturbing that I'll never do it again.)

And this story was told to me 7 years ago. Apparently I will remember anything if told in the right context.

Closet (Shower?) American Idol

2005-05-31T18:42:00.000-04:00

Man, I can give some concert in the shower.

Just now I was singing away, hoping that my boyfriend would come home unexpectedly, hear me belting it out and stop in wonderment to listen. "Who is this girl?" he'll wonder. He'll tell me how awesome I sound, I'll start singing karaoke at bars until I have groupies and then I'll get signed by a record label and become a country superstar...

Right. That's what I'm fantasizing about while I'm dancing around the shower singing into an empty shampoo bottle.

Then I get out and the only audience member is Sam, an adorable 7 month old yellow lab that's been following me around all day pouting because I'm being lazy and he wants to play.

He appreciates my singing. He loves it. Really.

And now an Uncontrolled Outburst

2005-05-25T08:48:00.000-04:00

I'd like to take this time to mention how much I hate BANKS.

And I hate the people that answer the phone when you call the bank's 1 800 number.

Especially the woman that I spoke with this morning when I called to try to wheedle myself out of a $30 service charge that occured when I overdrew my account by $0.28.

Did I mention it was 28 CENTS?? This woman was hideous. I know they can remove the charges, they've done it before, and when I asked if why they couldn't remove the charge she said "because it's not a BANK ERROR. Can I help you with anything else?" Then she said goodbye and hung up.

Let me explain. I'm not freaking out because I screwed up. I screw up all the time and am more than willing to suffer the consequences. But the reason why I overdrew my account was beyond my control. I had to get gas. I had my tons of bills to pay last pay period and I had it down to the penny. Then I got lost in Atlanta and used an entire tank of gas getting out and getting home. I was beyond empty, I got the gas on credit from my debit account (not realizing they would hold the $1 that would send me over the edge) and prayed that the check I'd mailed 2 weeks ago would somehow wait just 12 more hours to go through. I have a direct deposit going in tonight at midnight. I thought banks kept track of that somehow... if it was a smaller bank, they would know me and know that the money will be there because it's always there and would sympathize with the fact that if I had not gotten gas to be able to get to work, there would be no more deposits, no more withdrawals, no more overdraft fees to keep their fucking pockets padded!!

This hideous woman, I wish I had gotten her name, just kept repeating that the money should have been there. I hope she never makes a mistake in her lifetime because if she does, I hope that no one gives her a break and she gets screwed from every angle. I hate people like that.

I do realize that this is my fault, at least that I could have overdraft protection or deposited $1 to cover the missing dollar but who wants to go into the bank and deposit just ONE DOLLAR? So now my gas has cost me $55. What's kind of funny about that is that there are people who actually pay that much on a regular basis.

I'm going to call the bank again tomorrow. If I get any shit from anyone, I'm going to ask to speak to the manager and tell them that their new merger makes their customer service SUCK and that although they wouldn't notice at all, if they are unwilling to help me, I'm going to pull every cent out of my account and tell anyone that would listen to never ever set foot in there again because they don't know how to treat people.

(now, let's just think about this for a minute.)

Yeah, they might just have to shut their doors if I do all that. Hell, the national bank would probably go under if I pulled all my money out. And if I spread the word that they suck, man, no telling how many people would pull their savings out. It would be the Great Depression all over again.

All kidding aside, what really does suck is that banks are so far removed from the people they're supposed to serve that when it comes to choosing a bank, one must choose not on the basis of what one wants, but what one doesn't want. The lesser of the evils.

Now, that just ain't right. I really wish I had gotten that hideous woman's name. I was so mad I almost broke my phone to try to hurt her. I'm so rational and logical, it's a wonder that the world doesn't revolve around me....

My controlled outburst

2005-05-23T23:29:00.000-04:00

Have you ever sat and stared at someone while they explained in great and tedious detail something to you that you already knew?

Do you let them think you're a dumbass or do you quickly correct them and hope to God that they move on to something else?

I have a serious problem with authority. Not in a cool rebel way either. Mine is more passive-aggressive. I'll let them sit there, explain how to take care of something that I've already taken care of and then thank them for their advice. I figure my day will come.

Then I bitch to my poor boyfriend the entire way home about what assholes they are. I don't have a problem taking advice/instruction from someone that knows more than I do--it's the assholes that have sat through the entire instruction with me but, because I asked them a question about it, figure I must be confused and explain the entire thing again (verbatim) without answering my question that piss me off more than I can express without yelling and throwing things.

But I just thank them and research the answer myself. If they're too stupid to realize what was being asked, they deserve to stew in their self-congratulatory juices until the illusion of their superiority falls off the bone of their incompetant short-sightedness, with which I will pick my teeth. (ewww... hungry?)

My BF says get used to it... as long as you work for someone else, there will be somone to tell you what to do and to just tell them to kiss your big white ass.

Sounds good to me.

2005-05-22T14:48:00.000-04:00

I had an awful premonition.

I knew it was coming, I mean, I remember when it happened to my mom. I just wasn't prepared for what it would really be like.

Then it happened: My hairdryer tried to kill me.

I was just drying my hair, alternately flipping my head over to get some volume and my dryer kept going off. When I raised it back up, it would come back on. So I tried it a few more times to make sure it wasn't just me... Raise it up--power. Lower--no power.

Raised-ON, lower-OFF, onoffonoffonoffonoffonoff... then...

SPARKS, FLAMES, EXPLOSIONS, ARMAGGEDDON!!

The base of the dryer erupted in sparks, flames, hideous electrical exploding noises... very traumatic. I probably should have turned it off or pulled the plug or dropped it and ran, but I was afraid of burning down the house so I stood there holding the eletric geyser at arm's length whimpering "oh shit, holy shit" over and over until the dryer had spent itself and died.

Having a healthy distrust of all electrical appliances anyway (maybe because when I was a child, my dad warned me not to stick my hand into the garbage disposal--when it was off-- because, as he said "it's only electric") I think I'm going for the natural look for a few days.

You'll be able to find me at Target in the next few days, purchasing a new dryer... I'm resilient like that.

And then he called me fat.....

2005-05-21T18:59:00.000-04:00

What to do when your boyfriend calls you "fat"*

1. Cry
2. Ask him who the fuck he thinks he's judging... he's not so teeny either
3. Ask who he's comparing you to, he's never had any complaints before (which could lead to a whole other argument)

*Of course, you had a few glasses of wine and a pint of Haagen Daas Dulce de Leche. Also, the exact conversation was :
Me: You have really good taste in ice cream
Him: yeah, when I was at Winn Dixie checking out, the girl asked me if I had a girlfriend, she thought my taste was so good.
Me: Was she asking if you had a girlfriend because she thought it was so good or if you were buying it for your girlfriend?
Him: (sarcastially) yeah, she asked me "do you date a fat red-head girl? Is this for her?"

So then I got pissed since I hadn't made any insinuation as to whether I thought it was an issue of weight and when I voiced my distress he said "yeah, I can see where you're coming from, but I didn't mean it like that."

Am I wrong for not expecting an apology? I don't really think he thinks that I'm fat, but still... he's got to learn that when a girl is on her period, you don't make fat jokes and then not apologize. Especially when she is taking steps to correct supposed (and apparently inncorrect--according to him) fatness.... am I just drunk? I think I have a point.

2005-05-18T19:15:00.000-04:00

So I happened to see an ad online for Britney Spears' new "reality" show and thought it might be entertaining to watch it last night.

It was definitely entertaining... like a car wreck is entertaining. Could she BE any trashier? When she started talking about how good the sex was with Kevin (when he had a pregnant ex-girlfriend) I was grossed out. Do whatever you want, but don't tell the whole freakin world about it. I hope there weren't any 13 year old girls that stayed up to watch her show... I'm not going to be a virgin when I get married either, but I don't have little girls idolizing me. Or Barbie dolls made in my likeness. Or people getting plastic surgery to look like me.

I felt like I was watching someone's really boring home videos. Only the most star-struck voyeur will enjoy watching that show for longer than 20 mins.

There were a couple of things I liked about it. The scenes where she was about to perform were pretty cool--I can't imagine walking out onto a stage surrounded by thousands of screaming fans... and I loved her country accent (that she really cleans up for her interviews) because she sounds like a lot of people I know.

That show might become a guilty pleasure, like eating a huge bowl of Dulce de Leche ice cream... but I'll feel just as bloated and sick after I finish watching it.

2005-05-17T10:33:00.000-04:00

I love breakfast. I made myself eggs with cream cheese and sausage this morning and it was so so good. It was also low-carb except that the sausage was brown sugar and honey... mmmmm.

This is my 4th day on Trimspa. I've been forgetting to take it at night, but still trying not to eat too much. Unless I've had a few drinks, then it's hard to control myself. I guess the drinking should have been the first thing to go, but when my boyfriend's in town, it's like I'm on vacation and nothing I do during the week counts on the weekend. I hope he can find a job in town permanently or else I'm never going to lose weight! Geez, doesn't he ever think about me? (yeah, I'm not really that selfish... well, not all the time.)

Ever notice how when a bunch of women work together (or just 5) things seem to get really catty? There are a couple of women where I work that are driving me nuts--asking coworkers to keep a critique of my performance between them without telling me. Um, that's not very constructive. When I found out I felt like I was back in high school. There's no way I'm getting involved in that BS but I'm still irritated by it. I like working with men so much better. At least men don't have a problem with you confronting them and giving them an earfull--they might even commend you for it! If I did that at work, the fallout would be instant and I'd never find out anything again. See, they're making me into them. It's a conspiracy.

Whatever. Work is work. I had really cool dreams last night. I dreamed that I coached a basketball team even though I didn't know how to play and I had sex with a girl. It wasn't a very sexy dream and I wasn't sure that I was doing it right but it was kind of cool. I'm afraid I didn't pleasure her very well though. Oh well. I guess it's good that I'm not gay.

Rousing the Bear

2005-05-13T09:26:00.000-04:00

When the need arose to bring my air conditioning window unit out of hibernation, I was reminded that it is really summer and it's going to get really HOT. That means I won't be able to hide my winter-widened butt and gut beneath jeans and sweaters anymore. It's also too hot to wear anything with sleeves. Basically, the less clothing you wear, the cooler you are--and there is no part of my body that I'd like to bare anytime soon. Since I'm in the minority of women that are hot-natured, making my body bare-able is a major necessity.

For temperature control only. (riiiiiiight.)

So I took a chance and bought Trim Spa. It's supposed to curb your appetite so you eat less but also control sugar cravings and reroute glucose so it goes to your muscles instead of being stored as fat (or something... it says it on the box.) I don't believe everything I read, but I thought What the hell? There's no ephedra and maybe it really does work...

Bottom line: I need to try something, FAST. I have a wedding to go to and my birthday coming up in about 3 weeks. I hate seeing fat pictures of myself, so I'm taking desperate measures.

Surprisingly, there were no instructions at all when I opened the box. Only sheets of pills. All the instructions are on the back which are pretty much "Take with 8 ounces of water or the pill might expand in your esophagus and cause you to choke." WHAT?? I took my 2 pills this morning with tons of water (choking is one of my biggest fears), had breakfast and waited to see what would happen.

I'm definitely feeling it. And what I'm feeling is like a huge caffeine buzz without the jitters. I am a bit spacey and my thoughts are racing but so far, not so bad. I have to take one more at midday and one at night (I'm glad I have to work because I'd never sleep on this stuff) and then I've completed my daily supply.

The box says I need to take these pills for at least 6 days continuously for optimal results--not promising results after those 6 days but we'll see...

Maybe I'll be able to walk around pilled-out and sloppy like Anna Nicole Smith asking people "Do you like my baaahdy?" While groping myself like I am reliving my really bad soft-core porn movie that was so disgusting to watch... not that I ever did. (GROSS!!!!)

2005-05-09T10:40:00.000-04:00

This made me laugh. A Lot.

The One Thing

2005-05-09T10:13:00.000-04:00

Well, vacation's over. Back to work. I spent 4 days in Augusta with my family. I love them and I miss them but they started to drive me crazy while I was there. I had thought I would get to sleep in and enjoy all the comforts of home as I had known them in high school, but my puppy woke me up every morning at 6:45. I did all the cooking because I wanted to, but even that became a chore. Strange how the meals seemed to get progressively worse as the week went on.

Not that any of them were bad, but the last one was not as good as the first. I've considered going to culinary school, but I don't know if I want to make a living cooking yet. It is the one area of my life I'm aggressively competitive in (if you tell me someone makes the best cheesecake or stew or veal you've ever had, I'll make it better and make you tell me it's better) and I find a Zen-like tranquility in the chopping, stirring and measuring (although my measurements don't require actual measuring tools.)

I am however, going to get my real estate license. I think it will be a good thing to have and since I can take the classes online, it won't interfere with my current job. Maybe I'll get that license, get my teaching certificate (which I want so the government will forgive my student loans) , go to culinary school and become a sort of feminine Mark Twain.

Is it better to be great at one thing or good at many things? I don't have that single minded passion that drives the people that are fantastically amazing at their ONE THING. It's a choice. I could devote all my time and energy into writing or cooking or what-have-you and when I'm THE BEST IN THE WORLD I'd tell myself that it was worth not doing anything else--not having explored other directions my life could have taken.

That's what those people do, right? They devote themselves to the mastery of One Thing, sacrificing everything else and believe it's worth it in the end. I can't--won't--do that. I want to be good at everything--but I admire their passion, determination and discipline.

2005-05-07T08:35:00.000-04:00

So I'm here at my mom's house in Augusta and we are in the middle of a Garage Sale. It's 8:30 in the morning and we've been in full swing for an hour. The ad in the paper said it started at 8am, but apparently there are some serious Garage Salers out there determined to get the best bargain.

It's funny how we have a garage sale to get rid of the stuff we don't want, but as soon as the money starts rolling in, we're willing to sell the stuff we do want if we'll get a good price for it.

It's Garage Sale Fever!

2005-05-03T08:40:00.000-04:00

Good Morning! I'm up pretty early since I don't have much to do today and am considering going back to bed (after breakfast of course!) I'm such a productive person... riiiiiiiight.

Actually, I'm still pretty tired because I was up half the night watching "Monster." Now that's a GREAT way to spend a night alone in your boyfriend's house with all the strange noises and only a jumpy puppy for company. I'm not sure if Charlize Theron truly deserved to win that Oscar but she was hideous. She looked exactly like the actual serial killer and from what I've seen of her in interviews, acted like her too. It was hard to believe that under all that makeup and extra weight was this absolutely stunning woman.

The best acting advice I've ever heard was from Kevin Spacey on "Inside the Actors Studio." He said you have to let them think it's really you--that the character you're playing is so close to your own personality that it comes naturally. It really seems more like common sense but let anyone try to let another personality inhabit their body and mind and see how comfortable that is.

Which is why I'm not paid to act. I'm actually a terrible actress, though I love to do it. In school I was always in musicals and plays but never had a major part. Now I see that someone did know what they were doing, which is not what I thought at the time.

Everyone has their calling, right? Mine is obviously writing (that's probably pretty hilarious considering my content-deprived comments on this blog) and I'm steadily working toward realizing it.

I don't know if I got to the end of Monster. I better see if it's on HBO again (I might just be in luck) while I eat breakfast. I hope everyone has a beautiful day!

2005-05-02T22:09:00.000-04:00

I guess everyone's heard the story of the Duluth, GA woman that ran from her wedding, later claiming to have been kidnapped.

My boyfriend and I were talking about this last night and began wondering, why did she have to say she was kidnapped? If she just happened to run away one night and it just happened to be right before her enormous wedding, it wouldn't be too hard to figure out why she did it. But to put your friends and family through that... that's awful. She couldn't have thought that no one would notice--I read that she and her fiancee had sent out 600 wedding invitations! That's entirely too many people to start with (unless you're royalty) and way too many people to just sneak out quietly.

On the other hand, how can anyone really blame her? Getting married is a huge deal, especially in front of 600 people. That's an awful lot of gossip if it doesn't work out. Maybe she's a drama queen that just wanted the attention... maybe it was her mother in law that was doing all the planning and she wanted to exert some control... maybe she really was naive enough to think that no one would notice and it wouldn't be a big deal.

At least she came clean with the kidnapping story. She could have given a false description of her kidnappers and had the whole country in a frenzy. So she's not diabolical. What I want to know is, what exactly are they going to charge her with? In order for there to be charges pressed, doesn't someone have to press them? Who would have the right to do that? Definitely her fiancee, but would he? Her parents probably wouldn't, so who else would? Me? Do I have the right because I was worried about her, planned on attending the prayer vigil and then found out what a sucker I am?

I'm sure we'll all find out since the news loves anything sensational. One of the disc jockeys in Atlanta made sure to tell everyone that he had gone to both church services yesterday to pray really hard for the girl because she had really upset him. My advice: get the hell over it. Let the woman do what she wants to do. She upset her family and friends and I think it's shitty but I don't think she should be charged with anything and I think the media is having way too much fun with this story. At least she didn't pull out a rocket launcher and murder all 600 of her guests.

When does a crutch become an addiction?

2005-05-01T11:39:00.000-04:00

Today is such a gorgeous day. Breezy, sunny, hardly a cloud and the sky is a crystal clear blue. I have the windows open, I don't have to work tonight, I have fun plans with friends this afternoon...

So why am I so irritated and unsettled?

I know why. I have no idea how to help someone I love when they don't want it. I love this person, I trust him but I don't think he's being honest with himself. I think he has a drug problem. I think he's honest with me about everything he does, but since he knows how much I hate it, he still tries to keep it from me. I thought for a while that if I pretended to not be bothered by it I would find out exactly how much he does it. That didn't work... I felt dishonest and I can't be like everyone else in his life that just says it's no big deal. We've talked about it so many times and I've let him know exactly how I feel... he doesn't think he's addicted, that it's just a crutch. Where is the line between using it for a crutch (as many people use caffeine to stay awake when they need to) and being a full-fledged addict?

I'm confused, irritated, scared and have no one to talk about this. There are a few of his friends that know and I don't know if they've said anything to him about stopping, but I don't want to be the kind of girl that's talking to his friends behind his back. He's a grown man, he's very strong willed and in control of himself and I believe that when he wants to stop, he will. I just get so frustrated and feel so helpless.

If there's anyone that has any advice, I'd love to hear it.

Something to look forward to

2005-04-30T10:52:00.000-04:00

So tomorrow is the start of a new month. I love the beginnings of things. I love mornings, New Years, the start of a new relationship... I love the promise of change and the hope that something new brings. So here are a few things I have to look forward to (or dread) in the coming month:
1. 36 days until my birthday!! (and there are some people that would expect me to dread it since I'm turning 27, but I love birthday parties and I will celebrate until I die. Getting older has never bothered me, nor do I expect it to. Truly, with age comes experience and with that, wisdom.)
2. 18 promotions for the month of May. (that's kind of half and half--it's work, but can be fun.)
3. Getting paid and actually being able to SAVE some of my paycheck.
4. All the weekends I get to spend with my beautiful boyfriend.
5. The Mothers Day party I will attend with my niece.
6. Spending almost a full week with my sister.

That's what I think of when I think of May beginning. I'm sure there's more to look forward to as the month wears on.... Am I such a Pollyanna? Sometimes I feel like that. For example: Last night I covered a promotion for a friend/coworker and I hadn't been to this bar before. The bar is actually a club and there are marked differences in what one would wear to a bar and to a club. I dressed the way I would to work here in town and was sorely out of place. I wore a lightweight black sweater, a white skirt and black sandals. I looked good, kind of preppy but it was an outfit that I could have worn to church. Everyone else in this club was dressed as if they were going to... a club, of course. The attention that I drew to myself wasn't bad since that's what I was there to do, but I felt like a goody goody. Oh well. Not really important in the long run. I did meet a whole lot of interesting people and wasn't surprised to discover yet again that the people that look the scariest often carry on the best conversations.

um, WTF??

2005-04-29T18:55:00.000-04:00

Evolution takes a leap forward:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7677651/?GT1=6428

2005-04-29T14:31:00.000-04:00

There's been a lot of talk about avoiding wrinkles and skin cancer lately. I love sunless tanning products, especially Neutrogena. They make the best stuff that gives the best results--I'm natually so white I reflect the sun. I'm even a bit translucent, which I think is pretty cool but makes me appear sickly in the summer.

So I've learned to fake it. Now, not only do I fake that I lay out in the sun, I avoid the sun entirely. I'm terrified of getting skin cancer and not getting wrinkles is only a bonus. I think Clinique makes the best sun care products as far as makeup goes and I've tried more than a few... if I could only wear makeup and perfume and not have to worry about clothes, my money would be much more well spent and my life a little more stress-free. (Yeah, um, I don't let things like clothes stress me out really, but when you have to look nice every freakin day on very little income, it involves some creativity and can become stressful.)

I have been very good about not buying myself frivolous things lately, but I did get this perfume that I wanted all last year but every place had sold out of. It smells so so good and is very light.

www.fx120.net/UploadFiles/200499102927876.jpg

I recommend it to everyone--I think it might be a unisex fragrance, like the original ck One, but it is a bit fruitier. It smells very clean and fresh, like you just took a shower.

2005-04-28T23:01:00.000-04:00

Man, today was long. I left my house at 1:30 this afternoon and am just getting home; it's 11:01pm. There was a meeting at work to kick off a new liquor (AGAIN--does there really need to be 3 kickoffs? Kinda defeats the purpose...) and although we weren't required to attend, my friend/coworker, M, and I decided to go. We thought we'd sit through the boring meeting then have fun and hobnob with the big guys at the bar afterward. Well, we get to the meeting early, pick up our checks and posters and decide to ditch. We ran out of the building and went to eat and then to shop.

We shopped FOREVER. Now, I like shopping, but if you've read the previous posts, you know that I get tired of it really, really fast. On top of it all, I was breaking in new shoes and my feet are friggin killing me. I was good though, I only bought jeans for my boyfriend. I'm so proud of myself. Usually I'd say "Screw the bills!! I need new shoes!" and decide I'll worry about it tomorrow. Fortunately, that part of my brain seems to have been replaced and I'm slowly becoming a responsible member of society.

Has anyone ever noticed that making a new friend can be a bit like dating at first? You go out a few times, try not to call them too much so you don't seem like you have nothing else to do, you try to impress them a bit so they'll want to be your friend too, and you end up sharing your life story in one night and then slowly retell it as you get to know each other better. Maybe it's the other way--the potential boyfriend (or girlfriend) has to pass the friend test before they cross that line... I wouldn't really know. I've never dated anyone that was my friend first, well, not a close one.

Maybe this is all just crazy talk. I'm seriously in need of sleep, so that's possible. I'm out now. My boyfriend just called and here I come a'runnin!

Surprise Party = Work?

2005-04-28T09:09:00.000-04:00

So I went to this surprise party last night for my boss. I'm not sure what I was expecting but it was actually really fun. The restaurant was gorgeous, it had this very comfortable, beach-house themed seating (NICE beach house where there is no sand, dirt or water) and outside there were these cabanas with couches and flat screen tvs complete with your choice of 5 different satellite channels. It was way too windy to sit outside (it's on the roof) so we lounged around the bar inside. The usual big-wigs were there (in their suits--do they ever take them off??) but most people just relaxed and had a great time. I think some of the sales guys even turned their phones off for a few hours (gasp!)

Except for one girl. I don't think she even paused for more than a second. It seemed to be her mission to speak to every important person in the room--and there weren't a lot of people, but most of them were important, you know? Now, I am all for networking, but there's a time and place for that. Maybe I was the one missing out, maybe she'll get the raise before me because of all her flitting about, but I had fun crashed on the couch flirting with the boss's nephew (so cute, so young) and getting to know her kids.

I have another party tonight and this one will involve lots of networking. Thankfully it won't be a long night so there won't be too much danger of getting plastered while trying to relax (which has happened to me on occasion and it wasn't too much fun--it's way too easy to drink when you don't know that many people and there's an open bar.)

Hello My Name is Aunt

2005-04-26T22:06:00.000-04:00

My sister just got accepted to Physician's Assistant school at a prestigious university and I'm so proud of her! It's going to take up much of her life for the next 2 years, including next Thursday when her daughter has a Mother's Day tea at her school. Guess who was asked to fill in? Me! I'm actually excited about this. I've never been to a Mother's Day celebration (maybe because I'm not a mother?) and am really looking forward to seeing what this is all about. Of course I'll have a nametag that will identify me as Aunt but spending quality time with my beautiful, brilliant niece will be so fun!

2005-04-26T12:15:00.000-04:00

Things I found out at my meeting yesterday:

1. Sweetwater is coming out with a summer beer called Summer Hummer. Seriously. On the label is says "Everyone loves a hummer." (Yes, the jokes will get old but they will be really funny at first!)
2.The Terrapin guys are not liars. They claim that their company is based in Athens, GA but their brewery is not. They are trying to raise the money to bring their brewery home... I hated them when I thought they were liars but now I'm rooting for them. GO TERRAPIN! Anyone that reads this should go buy their beer to help with their sales--it's really good!!
3. The new girl at work is really cool and I think I have a party partner! We have lots of parties to attend-- some required, some not--and now I have a friend to go with!
4. I should not pick up free bottles of liquor anymore because I'm starting to think that drinking before noon is fine. And getting drunk is okay too as long as I sleep it off before I have to go anywhere. Not fine. NOT okay.

And Today:
1. Procrastination is way too easy to rationalize... I should be working out but instead I'm updating my blog. Why? Well, it's almost like work, right? It's not like I'm watching TV or anything... um, kind of weak.
2. Rationalizing is really bad when you don't realize that you are lying to yourself. I think it's more important to know that you're doing something wrong and do it anyway than to tell yourself it's not really wrong and do it. BE HONEST.

That's all I got. I'm going to feed my energy drink addiction and get my butt moving. Literally. I only have a month!

2005-04-23T10:08:00.000-04:00

How embarrassing. How many people do not know the national anthem?

Probably a few in this country.

How many would forget the words when singing it in front of a large audience at a hockey game?

Probably a lot more.

But then, who, after unsuccessfully trying to sing it twice would give it a go one more time only to bust her ass on the ice? So far, only one unfortunate girl. That really sucks. And it looks like it hurt. Yikes.

But it's also really funny. When you forget the words, you forge ahead! Make some shit up! It might have gotten her beaten up, but not if she slipped out of there quick enough. Let's hope that she believes in the adage that "Any publicity is good publicity." She'll be a celebrity before she can scrape herself off the ice.

2005-04-21T20:55:00.000-04:00

Usually I love to shop, but that's only when I don't have any money and I can fantasize about how good I'd look in the clothes I'm drooling over. When it actually comes time for me to buy new clothes (like now, since it's finally summer) I'm in agony. I don't like anything I see and I get so discouraged with my terrible fashion sense. I'd love to just wear my jeans/tshirt/flip flops combo everywhere I go until my diet and exercise have had time to take effect, but unfortunately, flip flops are not professional and it's actually part of my job to look good. Damn. I'm screwed.

I'm sure I'll think of something... I haven't washed clothes in a while so I'm about to do that. I'm hoping I'll come across something I haven't seen lately and feel silly for trying to buy something new in the first place! And then I'm either going to take a nap or work out. Maybe just a short work out and then a nap. Hey, some exercise is better than nothing, right? I'll let you know how it turns out.

2005-04-20T19:34:00.000-04:00

Good Lord. that took forever but I finally got my damn picture on here. Now i'm thoroughly exhausted and almost drunk... the stress of posting drove me to drink!! Hahaha. RIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Like anything has to make me...

2005-04-20T16:03:00.000-04:00

attempt #098301573098157098 at posting my damn picture on my blog profile.