Adapt Or Die. (name that movie)

Changes. Transitions. They're the only definites in my life. Well, in general. Besides my family.

I sit here, having moved from salesperson to unemployed person to optical tech person; from involved-with-someone-on-the-way-to-marriage person to single person; from roommate to living alone person. All of this within a few months. Well, the transition from salesperson to optical tech took a little longer, but still not longer than a year.

So, in one year I have flipped my life upside down.

And I'm not quite steady yet.

I'm still not sure what I want, but I'm narrowing down what I don't want. I guess that's half the battle. I know I'm lucky and blessed to have the family that I do, and the ability to adapt easily to new situations. There are people that bump up against life so hard that they are constantly wounded and bewildered. I will always be grateful for my ability to roll with things as they change.

I can't stop eating Nilla Wafers. That's not a euphemism. I literally have a hard time not sticking my hand inside the box. They're just too delicious.

Here's what's on my sleep deprived, Nilla wafer stuffed mind today: (because the Internet needs to know)
1. I need to stop by Old Navy on the way to work. I need a new bar shirt that's sexy without trying too hard.

2. I need a massage. Seriously. My spine is compressing into my heels and it hurts in the morning. That sucks.

3. I miss my boyfriend. But I can't go back. Things will end up the same as they were and I don't want to move backwards. Forward motion is key.

4. Why is it that I always want to party harder when I'm tired? I move past the point of wanting to sleep and into a manic zone. Like a little kid that's overtired, maybe.

5. I need to get back to work.

In the wee hours...

It's almost 230 in the morning and I'm sitting here thinking:

I'm probably waking up my roommate.

You might not be who I think you are.

I have a vision of what I want my life to be like and it's not quite there yet.

There is something I don't know and you're not telling me.

I have to run at 330 tomorrow afternoon and it's going to kick my ass.

On that note...


I'm Audi.

Remember all those "I'll work out tomorrow"s?

I need someone to explain to me why it seems like a good idea to participate in a bellydancing show immediately after Thanksgiving.

I have to wear WHAT??

Yeah.

Here it is.

It's hard to let someone love you when you don't feel worthy of their love.

Redemption

It started with Tosh.

Tosh 2.0 has a segment in which he replays a video of someone making an absolute fool of themselves and then brings them onto his show in order to redeem themselves.

Naturally, the idea of redeeming oneself carried over into my real life. There was the Karaoke Redemption, needed to replace the memory of my very off-key rendition of "My Life" at Little Kings, completed at my mom's cabin a couple of weeks ago. Nailed it, thank you very much.

Redeem is defined (in one definition) as "to make up for, make amends for, offset." And redemption is defined (again, in one definition) as "atonement for guilt" or "deliverance, rescue."

Isn't that something we all crave to some extent? To be able to do something over and wipe out the first attempt? Like taking a class and getting a D, then taking it again and getting an A... the second grade wipes out the first. And you were able to get the perfect second grade precisely because you had already been through the class the first time, when you got the D.

So we all need to make mistakes in order to redeem ourselves. You wouldn't need to do something over again if you never did it wrong in the first place. I'm sure there are people that would read that and say "Duh. That's why I try to never make mistakes." Have you ever noticed that those people are basically unbearable? How can they possibly relate to any other human if they don't make mistakes? Worse yet, how can they relate to anyone else if they refuse to admit that they make mistakes and see no need for redemption?

I am NOT one of those people. This definitely comes from my religious upbringing, but I am fully aware that I make mistakes constantly. I don't regret making them and I don't feel guilty but I take the opportunity for redemption if it comes.

How can you redeem yourself? How can you help someone else redeem themselves?

Let me be clear.

I just lied to someone who asked me to work for them on Saturday morning. I said I have plans and I do: I will be recovering from Friday night.

I can be incredibly lazy. I have expectations of myself that I rarely satisfy and I have to continuously forgive myself and hope that God does the same.

Sometimes I turn off my filter and will say things to people that may or may not hurt their feelings. The fact that these people are patrons of my bar and have probably provoked me to this point is not really an excuse.

There are a handful (maybe two handfuls, I'm pretty lucky) of people in my life that I love more than my own life and would do absolutely anything for. I accept these people for who they are and who they are not.

And to those people, I would like to echo the message preached at Mass on Sunday:

Thank you for who you are. I love you. You make me want to be better than I am.

October Night Sky

I got home from work last night around 230am. I stepped out of my car and immediately wanted to lay down on the street.

The sky was perfect. There is just something about the Fall night sky. It seems so familiar to me... those are the constellations I recognize, like old friends I've been looking for but couldn't find for a long time. We were reunited last night.

I have such great memories of night skies. When I was younger my friend's dad took us to see a meteor shower. I think it was the first time I tried to stay up past midnight and I couldn't make it. The planetarium my middle school class visited left such an impression on me. It seemed to be a magical place... I haven't been able to get back to one yet, but I always want to. And the night skies in New York... I have never seen anything as beautiful as the silent starlight on those cold nights.

Orion has always been my favorite constellation--probably because it's the most recognizable to me. I dated a guy that once claimed the middle star of Orion's belt as his own. Even as I thought that it's not possible to claim a star, I remember thinking that that star will always be special to me because of that moment. And I was right, but not because of that long-ago boyfriend.

That star, in fact all of the stars in the Fall sky, are so special to me because they never change. And because of their constancy, I can mark the changes in myself. Each Fall when I greet Orion, I'm a little wiser, a little older, with a few more milestones under my belt. The arrows in Orions quiver are my memories that he showers me with each Fall.

Last night when I looked at the middle star in Orion's belt, I remembered that moment but it doesn't have any hold over me anymore. In the stars, I can see who I used to be and look forward to what I will become.