Hindsight

5/13/09


On the radio this morning, the leader singer of Counting Crows, Adam (something) was asked about breakups. He said that the hardest thing about breaking up is that you feel like you don't matter at all to the person you were with. As if you just don't exist anymore... and he said that break up or no breakup, all the people that he wrote songs about/for on his album know that they really matter to him.

So of course I started thinking about you. And how you probably think that you don't matter to me at all. And I know that sucks because I know exactly how that feels: it's how I felt when you dumped me for Christal last year. I wish I had seen that for what it was and had just taken the time to get over you instead of forcing something that wasn't meant to be.

I just couldn't live with that though... I felt like you and I hadn't had our run yet. I wasn't ready to give you up. So I FOUGHT FOR IT. That's exactly what I did. I fought through it for you and felt like I won. Of course, I know now that I didn't really, I was just standing there when things fell through with her.

So I know exactly how it feels to feel like you suddenly don't matter to someone that you did seemingly moments before. I really wanted to send this to you as soon as I heard that on the radio... I wanted to drive straight to the office and get on the computer and write to you. I've been feeling pretty vulnerable lately though, so I made myself wait and I'm glad I did. Because I still feel like I don't matter to you. You won't even acknowledge me and I know that everyone says it's because you're in so much pain, and I know that you generally don't think about anyone but yourself so I should be understanding.

And I've tried to be. It's been almost 2 months since we've talked. I think about your apology and I'm very glad for it. I'm glad you said you made wrong decisions. I'm glad you regret leaving me for her... if you do. That's what it sounded like anyway.

I think I'm getting to the point where I can remember the good things. When I take time to really think about our relationship and how shitty you were, the old anger comes back but generally, I remember funny things you did or said and good times we had together. I even recounted a funny story about you tonight on the phone to my sister. I guess that means I'm healing and I know that's good. I'm thankful to God for that. I still miss you though. Not enough to pick up the phone and call you... but I do miss you.

I'm doing well on my own. I have a lot of balls in the air right now and I have a feeling that things are going to start changing very fast but I've been through periods like this before and it's always for the better. Maybe this time next year I'll be in Augusta, in school. Maybe I'll get into UGA. That's a dream, but God can do anything. If that's where I'm supposed to be, it will happen.

I think that's all I had to get out this time... You do matter to me. Not more than anything. Not more than my family or God... so probably not as much as you used to want to, but your well-being matters to me very much. Enough that I've left you alone so you can get over this...and that's more than I've done for other people in the past.

Putting your needs before mine shows that you matter a lot to me... hopefully that's something you'll learn.