Bad Aunt

I have a confession to make.

It's tearing me up inside and making me question who I am, how I was raised and whether I deserve to be locked up forever.

Ready? Here goes:

I'm at the Beach. And I want to go HOME.

Now.... I thought I would feel better but I don't.

I still just want to go home. It's not the Beach, it's not the sun, the breeze, the sand or the gorgeous weather we've been having. It's not the not-working, the sleeping whenever I want or the quality time with my sister and niece.

It might be that I miss my favorite boy A LOT. Actually, that's definitely a lot of it.

But I think it might mostly be the baby. Yikes, I know. I'm sorry baby!! But you cry ALL the TIME! I told my sister that 90% of the time, you are fussy and/or crying. She said that's not true, you sleep for about 8 hours a night.

So let me amend that: 90% of the time you are AWAKE, you are fussy and/or crying. And you are like an alarm system that I am terrified to trip... you go off for no reason and are LOUD.

I'm sorry that I'm complaining about a baby... but I don't have any children and I haven't been around a baby this small in a very long time. And the 3 smiles I get when she is awake and not fussy just don't make up for the other 90%.

God help me if I ever have children (which I fully intend to do at some point in my life... so God help me. In general.)

I'm going to be alone with her for 3 hours this afternoon, so I'm going to see if we can't find some common ground.

To quote my favorite boy in the world:

Why are you letting a baby pick on you? (at the time I was complaining about how my 11 yr old niece was picking on me... and the question is a valid one.)

Confession time is over. Time to begin Operation Bond With Baby.

Over and out.

At the Beach

I am living a charmed life.

I'm sitting here on a balcony overlooking the ocean 20 yards away. The water is gorgeous... striated shades of blue, becoming lighter as it nears the shore.

The weather is perfect--breezy and warm, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, palm trees are swaying and there is minimal traffic on the local road this morning.

Still....there is a part of me that wants to go home. I haven't missed anyone in a long time. It's a constant, dull ache. But I even recognize that as a blessing. I haven't missed anyone in a long time because I haven't cared about someone this much in a very long time...

I take him everywhere with me:
He was there the first night on the beach when we were surprised by the single beautifully explosive firework.
He was there yesterday at the beach when my niece and I were covered in seaweed.
He's here this morning as I sit on the balcony watching the boats on the ocean.
He's with me every night when I go to bed, and pray that God will keep him safe.

I try to let him go when the baby starts crying though... no one should be subjected to that.