Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Birthday Disappointment.

My birthday is in about 3 weeks. I'm competing in a triathlon on that day and there is a roller derby bout that night. So, lots of fun things, right?

I just learned that not one member of my family will be there to celebrate with me. And it breaks my heart. I haven't really stopped crying about it since yesterday. I would (and have) changed plans to be with my family, to support them when they need it. Now I'm realizing that I may be the only one. To be fair, neither my mom nor my dad live in the same state as me and my sister just had a baby--she'll be barely a month old on my birthday. So it doesn't make sense for any of them to try to make it.

But my brother and his wife have made other plans. They're going on a beach trip with their youth group on my birthday. And the wife mentioned it to me like I should be excited for them... even asked me if I would like to drive 4 hours down there to meet them--after I complete the triathlon. Um, NO.

I was flabergasted. To make it worse, last week when I saw her, she had the nerve to try to make a big deal about HER birthday. Seriously?

I used to think the 3 of us siblings were really tight... but now I think that was just my imagination. My brother's 30th birthday is in a few months and even though his wife is dragging him to Iowa, of all places, I'm still going to throw him a rocking party. He deserves it. Excessive birthday partying is something we grew up with, and I'll be damned if some girl he married is going to take that tradition away from us.

The tears have stopped. I think writing it down has made me feel better. Funny how that happens. :)

Monday, May 10, 2010

Here we GO.

He's got to be a little bit dangerous, this guy I'm looking for.

Besides being tall and handsome (Clive Owen, not Pierce Brosnan), funny, intelligent, Catholic, compassionate and close to his family, he's got to be strong. Strong enough to know when to use force, if necessary. He's got to be mischevious and able to push it right to the edge but controlled enough to know how to pull it back at the last second.

Just a little dangerous and unpredictable.

I guess I want him to be the part of me I never get to express. The part that wants to take off on an adventure in the middle of the night and throw responsibility to the wind. To never know where I'm going or what will happen when I get there, but ready for anything.

I think living in such a small world has blunted my senses so that I can't even find my way around my sister's neighborhood anymore. I barely have a sense of direction because I don't have to. There was a time when I believed I could get through anything.... that I could handle anything, that no matter how out of control things seemed, I could deal.

I've accepted that I can't control everything but does that mean that I've stopped taking chances? I'm on a quest of self discovery and I'm starting to get bored.

Since I control my thoughts, intentions and therefore, my own reality, I should be able to change this path pretty easily. Actually, not easily. Seems that the hardest person to control and discipline is myself. Letting go is much easier, but getting out of a slump takes discipline.

Tomorrow is a new day, full of adventurous possibilities.

Here we go.

Thursday, May 06, 2010



On the radio this morning, the leader singer of Counting Crows, Adam (something) was asked about breakups. He said that the hardest thing about breaking up is that you feel like you don't matter at all to the person you were with. As if you just don't exist anymore... and he said that break up or no breakup, all the people that he wrote songs about/for on his album know that they really matter to him.

So of course I started thinking about you. And how you probably think that you don't matter to me at all. And I know that sucks because I know exactly how that feels: it's how I felt when you dumped me for Christal last year. I wish I had seen that for what it was and had just taken the time to get over you instead of forcing something that wasn't meant to be.

I just couldn't live with that though... I felt like you and I hadn't had our run yet. I wasn't ready to give you up. So I FOUGHT FOR IT. That's exactly what I did. I fought through it for you and felt like I won. Of course, I know now that I didn't really, I was just standing there when things fell through with her.

So I know exactly how it feels to feel like you suddenly don't matter to someone that you did seemingly moments before. I really wanted to send this to you as soon as I heard that on the radio... I wanted to drive straight to the office and get on the computer and write to you. I've been feeling pretty vulnerable lately though, so I made myself wait and I'm glad I did. Because I still feel like I don't matter to you. You won't even acknowledge me and I know that everyone says it's because you're in so much pain, and I know that you generally don't think about anyone but yourself so I should be understanding.

And I've tried to be. It's been almost 2 months since we've talked. I think about your apology and I'm very glad for it. I'm glad you said you made wrong decisions. I'm glad you regret leaving me for her... if you do. That's what it sounded like anyway.

I think I'm getting to the point where I can remember the good things. When I take time to really think about our relationship and how shitty you were, the old anger comes back but generally, I remember funny things you did or said and good times we had together. I even recounted a funny story about you tonight on the phone to my sister. I guess that means I'm healing and I know that's good. I'm thankful to God for that. I still miss you though. Not enough to pick up the phone and call you... but I do miss you.

I'm doing well on my own. I have a lot of balls in the air right now and I have a feeling that things are going to start changing very fast but I've been through periods like this before and it's always for the better. Maybe this time next year I'll be in Augusta, in school. Maybe I'll get into UGA. That's a dream, but God can do anything. If that's where I'm supposed to be, it will happen.

I think that's all I had to get out this time... You do matter to me. Not more than anything. Not more than my family or God... so probably not as much as you used to want to, but your well-being matters to me very much. Enough that I've left you alone so you can get over this...and that's more than I've done for other people in the past.

Putting your needs before mine shows that you matter a lot to me... hopefully that's something you'll learn.