Monday, November 29, 2010

Remember all those "I'll work out tomorrow"s?

I need someone to explain to me why it seems like a good idea to participate in a bellydancing show immediately after Thanksgiving.

I have to wear WHAT??


Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Here it is.

It's hard to let someone love you when you don't feel worthy of their love.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


It started with Tosh.

Tosh 2.0 has a segment in which he replays a video of someone making an absolute fool of themselves and then brings them onto his show in order to redeem themselves.

Naturally, the idea of redeeming oneself carried over into my real life. There was the Karaoke Redemption, needed to replace the memory of my very off-key rendition of "My Life" at Little Kings, completed at my mom's cabin a couple of weeks ago. Nailed it, thank you very much.

Redeem is defined (in one definition) as "to make up for, make amends for, offset." And redemption is defined (again, in one definition) as "atonement for guilt" or "deliverance, rescue."

Isn't that something we all crave to some extent? To be able to do something over and wipe out the first attempt? Like taking a class and getting a D, then taking it again and getting an A... the second grade wipes out the first. And you were able to get the perfect second grade precisely because you had already been through the class the first time, when you got the D.

So we all need to make mistakes in order to redeem ourselves. You wouldn't need to do something over again if you never did it wrong in the first place. I'm sure there are people that would read that and say "Duh. That's why I try to never make mistakes." Have you ever noticed that those people are basically unbearable? How can they possibly relate to any other human if they don't make mistakes? Worse yet, how can they relate to anyone else if they refuse to admit that they make mistakes and see no need for redemption?

I am NOT one of those people. This definitely comes from my religious upbringing, but I am fully aware that I make mistakes constantly. I don't regret making them and I don't feel guilty but I take the opportunity for redemption if it comes.

How can you redeem yourself? How can you help someone else redeem themselves?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Let me be clear.

I just lied to someone who asked me to work for them on Saturday morning. I said I have plans and I do: I will be recovering from Friday night.

I can be incredibly lazy. I have expectations of myself that I rarely satisfy and I have to continuously forgive myself and hope that God does the same.

Sometimes I turn off my filter and will say things to people that may or may not hurt their feelings. The fact that these people are patrons of my bar and have probably provoked me to this point is not really an excuse.

There are a handful (maybe two handfuls, I'm pretty lucky) of people in my life that I love more than my own life and would do absolutely anything for. I accept these people for who they are and who they are not.

And to those people, I would like to echo the message preached at Mass on Sunday:

Thank you for who you are. I love you. You make me want to be better than I am.

Friday, October 08, 2010

October Night Sky

I got home from work last night around 230am. I stepped out of my car and immediately wanted to lay down on the street.

The sky was perfect. There is just something about the Fall night sky. It seems so familiar to me... those are the constellations I recognize, like old friends I've been looking for but couldn't find for a long time. We were reunited last night.

I have such great memories of night skies. When I was younger my friend's dad took us to see a meteor shower. I think it was the first time I tried to stay up past midnight and I couldn't make it. The planetarium my middle school class visited left such an impression on me. It seemed to be a magical place... I haven't been able to get back to one yet, but I always want to. And the night skies in New York... I have never seen anything as beautiful as the silent starlight on those cold nights.

Orion has always been my favorite constellation--probably because it's the most recognizable to me. I dated a guy that once claimed the middle star of Orion's belt as his own. Even as I thought that it's not possible to claim a star, I remember thinking that that star will always be special to me because of that moment. And I was right, but not because of that long-ago boyfriend.

That star, in fact all of the stars in the Fall sky, are so special to me because they never change. And because of their constancy, I can mark the changes in myself. Each Fall when I greet Orion, I'm a little wiser, a little older, with a few more milestones under my belt. The arrows in Orions quiver are my memories that he showers me with each Fall.

Last night when I looked at the middle star in Orion's belt, I remembered that moment but it doesn't have any hold over me anymore. In the stars, I can see who I used to be and look forward to what I will become.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Video killed the telephone star

Yesterday my boyfriend and I went to Augusta to help celebrate my niece's 12th birthday. When we got there my sister was already serving the cake, which I thought was weird since I had called and told her we were 20 mins away and then 20 mins later we walked through the door (but she doesn't like to wait on anyone--you never know if they're actually going to do what they say they're going to do, right?--but that's another story for another time.) So forgoing the usual hugs and greetings, we immediately sit down and stuff ourselves with cookie cake baked lovingly by the hourly workers at Publix. It really was very good... I want some now.

The usual fun banter flowed like it always does around my family, and then the awkwardness began. It seemed like a good idea for my stepdad to call my mom--who lives in another city--and include her in the festivities by way of Google chat. Mom was in her nightshirt, hair in curlers and no makeup with the tv flickering next to her. Trying to include someone in a conversation via computer chat is like trying to include an infant or someone over 100 years old. There were 8 of us around the table, talking as we usually do and then someone would remember that my mom was with us. Now, my mom can have a hard time following our conversation even when she's present--I think it's the pop culture references that stump her ("wait, now who is that you're talking about....?) or possibly the constant double entendres in our teasing ("wait, now what did she say.... OH, I get it...")

Everyone got quiet and stared at the computer screen. Mom could only see 3 of us because of the computer's camera positioning so I can only imagine how it looked to her with those 3 people staring at her and hearing a disembodied voice going "Sooooooo........" Awkward.

Anyway, the funny part was when we could see my mom saying something she didn't mean--something we wouldn't have picked up on if we were just on the phone. She said yes to something that she didn't really want to do and we all knew that because she was shaking her head NO even as she was agreeing. We all called her out on it and of course, she was confused or pretended to be. My mom also says goodbye 8 different ways before she actually hangs up the phone so it was funny to see that play out in person.

A word of advice: an image on a computer screen doesn't substitute for the actual presence of a person. Not even though you get to see all the weird things they normally do while they're talking to you on the phone.

Of course, video chatting is a voyeur's wet dream... so, good for you guys.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Freedom, at last.


I was fired last week from the corporate job. I actually believe it's really the best thing that could have happened to me. I have no idea what's going to happen next or what I really want, but I'm very happy to have the opportunity to explore what I want to do. Well, I will as soon as unemployment starts to come in.

I'm going to have to manage my time though. I've discovered that if I turn on the TV, my whole day can get sucked down the drain and that is a terrible feeling. It's an awesome feeling though, to be able to set my own schedule and do what I want to do all day. I hope I don't become too lazy to do what I want to do. Doing absolutely nothing is great once in a while but it can become a little taxing. Weird, right? I start to feel a little worthless.

So here is a first draft of how I plan on spending my week:

5 hours/week working out (at least--3 of these are already planned)
5 hours/week searching online for a job (again, at least. An hour a day seems like a good start.)
AND 5 hours/week working on my writing. Finally.

Then there's the about 16 hours/week I'll spend working at the bar (still doing that part-time.)

And I think I'd like to pick up some volunteer work. I definitely have the time. :)

So we're up to about a full work week's worth of time.

We'll see how it goes. Hopefully what I will NOT do is plop my fat ass down on the couch and get stuck. I'll have to avoid the couch like it has herpes.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

"I am a Human BEING, not a Human DOING.

Don't equate your self-worth with how well you do things in life. You aren't what you DO. If you are what you do, then when you don't.... you aren't."

(from Inner Wisdom Cards by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer.)

I inherited those cards from my dad when he moved from Texas to Boston. He was going into the seminary and couldn't take most of his things. He allowed my siblings and me to take anything we wanted and I loved those cards. There are a bunch more in there that seem to speak to me, specifically. Of course, I know they weren't written just for me, and that actually helps me to feel connected to the rest of humanity. Apparently we all need to be reminded of that once in a while.

I have a headache today. I hate headaches. It's my fault. I drank too much wine last night... it seemed like a good idea at the time. And it was delicious wine, but it made me act a little crazy last night and feel a little bad today... and I can't be sure it was worth it.

And there are times when it's worth it. I've had mornings when I wake up wishing I could cut off my head, it hurt so bad, but the memory of the night before and all the fun I had actually helps to temper the hangover.

Thank God for Dr. Dyer and his Inner Wisdom, otherwise I might feel pretty bad about not accomplishing anything today.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Going Visible

Gmail says I'm invisible.

And it challenges me to Go Visible.

So far I have not accepted the challenge...either from Gmail or Life. See, I want to be both Visible and Invisible. I want to be Invisible because then there are no expectations of me... if you can't see me, you can't be disappointed by me. It's better to be Invisible and not risk anything.

No. That's not it.

I want to be Visible. I want to be Alive and Excited, Motivated and Ambitious.

But I DON'T want to be Judged. I don't want people to dislike me. I want to satisfy everyone's expectations of me. I want to be able to be what everyone wants me to be. Who is Everyone? Good question.

Where did I get this idea that I have to be all things to all people in order to be successful? When did I decide that what I want for myself is not enough? My rational mind has told me to Eff the Haters, I'll Do What I Want, but when I'm challenged on that, I fold like a paper crane.

So far I think the problem lies with what I have chosen to do with my life. I have no defense when someone tells me I'm not doing the right thing because I actually agree with them. My only response is "If not this, then what? I don't know what I want to do." I've been very fortunate in my life so far to have been able to pick up pretty decent jobs whenever the opportunity presented itself. I have rarely fought for any of them; usually "fighting" meant saying what needed to be said in order to convince the person I was talking to that I wanted the job. I guess I've had a knack for that so far... and look where it's gotten me.

I realize that I'm coming to the point where I have to Choose. I have to choose what I want, I have to set my feet upon that path and start walking. I have to keep walking no matter what obstacles fall in my way.

I'm treading water right now and I think I have been for a while. It's time to put my head down and swim. Even if it's against the current.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

My One Year Project

(Inspired by Jenny)

I don't really have a birthday milestone coming up, well, except for 40 but thankfully it's far enough away that I don't have to think about THAT nightmare. Still, I'd like to create a list for myself to complete in one year. I will write about my experiences and cross off things as I complete them. In theory, it sounds like an ambitious and fun project. In practice, we'll see.

Most people who create these lists have the number correspond to the age they're reaching that year (30 Things To Do Before I'm 30, etc.) but since my age isn't important to me in that regard, I'll be reasonable and aim for one completed project (or at least begun) each month.

12 Things to Do Before August 2011:

1. Get my finances in order: dig out what I owe and exactly to whom and create a plan to pay off half, if not ALL of my debt.

2. Find a job that I LOVE to do. Try not to get bogged down by what I think I SHOULD be doing.
3. WRITE. Write more. Fearlessly send out stories for publication.
4. Stop procrastinating. Tomorrow.

5. Complete a triathlon in less than 2 hours. My first one was almost 2.5 hours. The next one in that series is also in June at Lake Lanier.
6. Practice meditation. Find Inner Peace. Yeah, it's a lofty one. And will probably take years to master but a year would be a good start.

7. Make the trip to go see my family in Texas: Houston, Austin, San Antonio. Maybe Dallas if my Dad is there.
8. Go visit my friends in close states (Megan in D.C., Leanne in NC)

I'll have to get back with the last 4. I thought I'd be able to dash these out, but it turns out that I need to think about what I want to do. Telling? Probably.

And now I'm off to work on scratching procrastination off the list.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Bad Aunt

I have a confession to make.

It's tearing me up inside and making me question who I am, how I was raised and whether I deserve to be locked up forever.

Ready? Here goes:

I'm at the Beach. And I want to go HOME.

Now.... I thought I would feel better but I don't.

I still just want to go home. It's not the Beach, it's not the sun, the breeze, the sand or the gorgeous weather we've been having. It's not the not-working, the sleeping whenever I want or the quality time with my sister and niece.

It might be that I miss my favorite boy A LOT. Actually, that's definitely a lot of it.

But I think it might mostly be the baby. Yikes, I know. I'm sorry baby!! But you cry ALL the TIME! I told my sister that 90% of the time, you are fussy and/or crying. She said that's not true, you sleep for about 8 hours a night.

So let me amend that: 90% of the time you are AWAKE, you are fussy and/or crying. And you are like an alarm system that I am terrified to trip... you go off for no reason and are LOUD.

I'm sorry that I'm complaining about a baby... but I don't have any children and I haven't been around a baby this small in a very long time. And the 3 smiles I get when she is awake and not fussy just don't make up for the other 90%.

God help me if I ever have children (which I fully intend to do at some point in my life... so God help me. In general.)

I'm going to be alone with her for 3 hours this afternoon, so I'm going to see if we can't find some common ground.

To quote my favorite boy in the world:

Why are you letting a baby pick on you? (at the time I was complaining about how my 11 yr old niece was picking on me... and the question is a valid one.)

Confession time is over. Time to begin Operation Bond With Baby.

Over and out.

Monday, July 19, 2010

At the Beach

I am living a charmed life.

I'm sitting here on a balcony overlooking the ocean 20 yards away. The water is gorgeous... striated shades of blue, becoming lighter as it nears the shore.

The weather is perfect--breezy and warm, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, palm trees are swaying and there is minimal traffic on the local road this morning.

Still....there is a part of me that wants to go home. I haven't missed anyone in a long time. It's a constant, dull ache. But I even recognize that as a blessing. I haven't missed anyone in a long time because I haven't cared about someone this much in a very long time...

I take him everywhere with me:
He was there the first night on the beach when we were surprised by the single beautifully explosive firework.
He was there yesterday at the beach when my niece and I were covered in seaweed.
He's here this morning as I sit on the balcony watching the boats on the ocean.
He's with me every night when I go to bed, and pray that God will keep him safe.

I try to let him go when the baby starts crying though... no one should be subjected to that.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


1. Scarves with tank tops: Dude. It's summer. I don't care if it makes your outfit. Wear a necklace.

2. Boy Bands: Please learn to play an instrument. That is all.

3. That song by Train: I can't even write it because just the words will get it stuck in my head and then I'll have to stick an icepick in my ear.

4. Celebrity Sex Tapes: Yeah, it's called Porn.

5. Vampires: Okay, I actually like vampire movies but even I am getting sick of having a vampire on every corner. This trend may never die... just like the vampires! Oooooooh....

6. Reality shows: What is with our fascination with watching people lead their semi-normal lives? Please make them go away so I can stop killing brain cells by watching them.

7. Excessive tanning: Gym, Tan, Laundry? Guys, when your skin gets that tough, it's called hide.

8. Articles about bartending in a town full of bars: Because clearly, that's exactly what you want to read about after spending the entire night in a bar and hating yourself in the morning as you do the Walk of Shame through downtown to your car. Reading about how stupid the bartenders think you are is exactly what's going to get you through waiting for the assholes to come take the immobilizer off of your back tire while you're wiping mascara off your cheeks and sweating on a curb in your mini dress and 5 inch heels at 11am on a Sunday morning.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

In the Doorway

Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're right.

What if what you think is "I don't want to"? And the next logical question is: What do you want to do? And my answer is: I don't know yet. Give me some time to think about it.

Why does it seem that time is in short supply lately? The earth isn't spinning any faster... or so I think.

Regarding work, I feel like I'm in a holding pattern right now. I don't really like it, but I'm going to ride it out. I don't like feeling unmotivated and unsure because I know that this not the way I usually feel. I think a door may have been opened for me and I want to go through it. I'm still scared but every week I'm doing things that the instant before I do them, I think I can't do that.

But then I do it. Every single time I watch the instructors demonstrate what we'll be doing during Trapeze class, I think "there's no way I'll be able to do that." BUT, when it's my turn, I do it. Exactly the way they showed us how to. That's a pretty powerful lesson to learn and reinforce every week.

I was handed a writing assignment (that I volunteered for) recently. It was minor, to be sure, but besides this blog, it has been a long time since I've written anything. That dream was something I gave up on a long time ago. I sat down to write it that night and came up with... nothing. I had nothing. No inspiration, no idea which way to take this assignment. So I put it away for the night, not sure if anything would come of it and wondering if I would disappoint myself again.

It all came to me the next morning. All at once. Obviously, I'm not talking about my life's work, but it was a tiny glimpse through the doorway of What Could Be. And believe me, I am all about jamming my foot into that door and prying it open but I think that door opens when we're ready.

And I believe I'm standing in a little shaft of its light.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

A New Adventure

Update: My birthday was a raging success. I accepted that my family members have lives outside of mine and enjoyed a quiet little party with them the week before my birthday. My actual birthday was spent competing in a triathlon--which was so awesome that I can't wait to do it again--and then out with friends. And one of them became more than that.

I've known this guy for 3 years and we've been through all sorts of things together: his relationships, my relationships, we've offered advice and comfort to each other, been there when the other needed a friend, had our arguments and disagreements, had periods where we didn't speak because of something the other did but only now does it seem like we finally found each other.

It's really a day that I thought would never come. I knew there was interest and attraction on both sides, but we never tried to take it any further. So how did we get here? I don't even know... and I keep asking myself that.

It's too new to start analyzing too much. I'm trying to just relax (which can be difficult for me in situations like this) and enjoy it. If this is what God wants, it's going to be awesome, and if it's not, I'm going to do my best to just let it go.

All I know is: this is going to be some ride.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Birthday Disappointment.

My birthday is in about 3 weeks. I'm competing in a triathlon on that day and there is a roller derby bout that night. So, lots of fun things, right?

I just learned that not one member of my family will be there to celebrate with me. And it breaks my heart. I haven't really stopped crying about it since yesterday. I would (and have) changed plans to be with my family, to support them when they need it. Now I'm realizing that I may be the only one. To be fair, neither my mom nor my dad live in the same state as me and my sister just had a baby--she'll be barely a month old on my birthday. So it doesn't make sense for any of them to try to make it.

But my brother and his wife have made other plans. They're going on a beach trip with their youth group on my birthday. And the wife mentioned it to me like I should be excited for them... even asked me if I would like to drive 4 hours down there to meet them--after I complete the triathlon. Um, NO.

I was flabergasted. To make it worse, last week when I saw her, she had the nerve to try to make a big deal about HER birthday. Seriously?

I used to think the 3 of us siblings were really tight... but now I think that was just my imagination. My brother's 30th birthday is in a few months and even though his wife is dragging him to Iowa, of all places, I'm still going to throw him a rocking party. He deserves it. Excessive birthday partying is something we grew up with, and I'll be damned if some girl he married is going to take that tradition away from us.

The tears have stopped. I think writing it down has made me feel better. Funny how that happens. :)

Monday, May 10, 2010

Here we GO.

He's got to be a little bit dangerous, this guy I'm looking for.

Besides being tall and handsome (Clive Owen, not Pierce Brosnan), funny, intelligent, Catholic, compassionate and close to his family, he's got to be strong. Strong enough to know when to use force, if necessary. He's got to be mischevious and able to push it right to the edge but controlled enough to know how to pull it back at the last second.

Just a little dangerous and unpredictable.

I guess I want him to be the part of me I never get to express. The part that wants to take off on an adventure in the middle of the night and throw responsibility to the wind. To never know where I'm going or what will happen when I get there, but ready for anything.

I think living in such a small world has blunted my senses so that I can't even find my way around my sister's neighborhood anymore. I barely have a sense of direction because I don't have to. There was a time when I believed I could get through anything.... that I could handle anything, that no matter how out of control things seemed, I could deal.

I've accepted that I can't control everything but does that mean that I've stopped taking chances? I'm on a quest of self discovery and I'm starting to get bored.

Since I control my thoughts, intentions and therefore, my own reality, I should be able to change this path pretty easily. Actually, not easily. Seems that the hardest person to control and discipline is myself. Letting go is much easier, but getting out of a slump takes discipline.

Tomorrow is a new day, full of adventurous possibilities.

Here we go.

Thursday, May 06, 2010



On the radio this morning, the leader singer of Counting Crows, Adam (something) was asked about breakups. He said that the hardest thing about breaking up is that you feel like you don't matter at all to the person you were with. As if you just don't exist anymore... and he said that break up or no breakup, all the people that he wrote songs about/for on his album know that they really matter to him.

So of course I started thinking about you. And how you probably think that you don't matter to me at all. And I know that sucks because I know exactly how that feels: it's how I felt when you dumped me for Christal last year. I wish I had seen that for what it was and had just taken the time to get over you instead of forcing something that wasn't meant to be.

I just couldn't live with that though... I felt like you and I hadn't had our run yet. I wasn't ready to give you up. So I FOUGHT FOR IT. That's exactly what I did. I fought through it for you and felt like I won. Of course, I know now that I didn't really, I was just standing there when things fell through with her.

So I know exactly how it feels to feel like you suddenly don't matter to someone that you did seemingly moments before. I really wanted to send this to you as soon as I heard that on the radio... I wanted to drive straight to the office and get on the computer and write to you. I've been feeling pretty vulnerable lately though, so I made myself wait and I'm glad I did. Because I still feel like I don't matter to you. You won't even acknowledge me and I know that everyone says it's because you're in so much pain, and I know that you generally don't think about anyone but yourself so I should be understanding.

And I've tried to be. It's been almost 2 months since we've talked. I think about your apology and I'm very glad for it. I'm glad you said you made wrong decisions. I'm glad you regret leaving me for her... if you do. That's what it sounded like anyway.

I think I'm getting to the point where I can remember the good things. When I take time to really think about our relationship and how shitty you were, the old anger comes back but generally, I remember funny things you did or said and good times we had together. I even recounted a funny story about you tonight on the phone to my sister. I guess that means I'm healing and I know that's good. I'm thankful to God for that. I still miss you though. Not enough to pick up the phone and call you... but I do miss you.

I'm doing well on my own. I have a lot of balls in the air right now and I have a feeling that things are going to start changing very fast but I've been through periods like this before and it's always for the better. Maybe this time next year I'll be in Augusta, in school. Maybe I'll get into UGA. That's a dream, but God can do anything. If that's where I'm supposed to be, it will happen.

I think that's all I had to get out this time... You do matter to me. Not more than anything. Not more than my family or God... so probably not as much as you used to want to, but your well-being matters to me very much. Enough that I've left you alone so you can get over this...and that's more than I've done for other people in the past.

Putting your needs before mine shows that you matter a lot to me... hopefully that's something you'll learn.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Race Day


Why does it, in theory, feel so good but in reality it makes everything harder? I mean, I know the longer I put off what I should be doing the more anxious I will feel and the less I'll actually get done by the end of the day. But now that it's finally quiet in this cozy lunch place I'm in, I want to hang out just a little longer.

Because the loud, rude guys that took the seats immediately next to me are finally gone.

Because I'm indulging in a Coke Zero and I want another one before I leave.

Because I'm a stubborn first born child and I'M GROWN AND I DO WHAT I WANT.

I have a race this evening (well, IT is a race, but you won't actually see me racing) and I'm trying to find the best way to conserve energy for 6pm. I'm having my caffeine now, so I know I'll have to maintain that. I ate some avocados for lunch so that should be enough calories... I hope. All the other races I've ran have been at 8am, when everyone is still fresh in the morning. What kind of sadists schedule a race when everyone is exhausted at the end of the day? Oh, right, it's a corporate race thing. Got it.

The highlight of my day so far was the cute boy that was in here but I didnt' talk to him.

I should really build up some nerve.

I'll work on that!