Sunday, October 18, 2009

In The Club

I love my family.

I love my parents, I love my siblings, I love being a member of my family.

We are happy, resilient, enthusiastic, tough, excitable, easily entertained, funny, loving, smart, devoted and determined.

My brother and sister belong to a youth group at their church where people actually say they want to have our last name. Of course it's all a joke and probably a nod to how tight we are but I like to think there's a grain of truth in it.

As I said, the 3 of us siblings are really tight and when someone marries into our family--as we've seen--they are absorbed. You are one of us. We accept you and will love you, flaws and all (of course, if you do something really bad to an original member, there will be consequences. Thankfully we haven't had to deal with that.)

Actually, it might be more like joining a gang. A motorcycle gang. We don't beat you in, but you will be teased mercilessly until you're almost broken. And you will be forced to do the jobs that no one else wants to do... and you will be tested to see how much you can stand. But it's worth it to get all the priviledges of belonging.


Friday, October 16, 2009

Things I Love Today

Things I love today:

1. Therapy. I've been seeing a counselor for almost a year now and it's really changed my life. I've never had any serious trauma and I know I'm incredibly blessed but there are some lies that I've come to believe about myself over the years that have hindered my success in just about everything. I think everyone has at least something they need to work through and I would recommend therapy for everyone at some point in their lives.

And that's all I have to say about that.

2. Butternut Squash soup. I made some yesterday using a recipe I found online and man, it's really, really good.

3. Green tea. I go through phases when I drink a ton and then I get really sick of it. I'm on an upswing right now--I love the stuff.

4. FALL!! I love this weather! It's finally stopped raining and cooled off. The leaves are changing... I wish fall lasted 6 months. Maybe a year. A whole year of Fall. Now that would be awesome. But then, I'd probably have to suffer through a whole year of Summer and then I'd have to move to Alaska.

5. Working from home. It's not encouraged at my job, probably not technically allowed, but thankfully my boss doesn't micro-manage. I took advantage of it today since we'll get our work laptops in a couple months and then we'll probably be spied upon. Thanks, GPS systems for limiting my freedom.

There's a lot of other stuff I love right now also, but this could get pretty long and make you start longing for green tea and butternut squash and I can't be responsible for that.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Ragin' Irish (?)

The hormones are a'ragin today!

In the past 30 mins I've felt:

1. Despair
2. Lust
3. Envy
4. Hideous
5. Thankful
6. Amused

And the amusements just won't stop. I'm cracking myself up, reading old posts. Some are actually pretty good but some are very, very bad. I hope nobody reads this stuff.

If you are reading right now, I'm sorry. I'll try to do better.

Ever since I've stopped taking birth control pills, I'm trying to get back in touch with my body. And that means observing my moods and deciding whether what I'm feeling is real or hormonal. It feels a lot better than acting immediately on what I'm feeling, which is what I normally do.

I have my share of problems: I can't manage my money AT ALL, it seems; any problem I have seems to magnify the rest, sometimes throwing me into panic mode; I can be selfish, self-absorbed, vain and competitive; I can be sneaky and manipulative; I can lie and not feel bad about it (for very long).

BUT in spite of all that, I know that God loves me. I know that He will love me through whatever I am or whatever I do... and that keeps me grounded. God's love keeps me humble because I know I can't DO anything to deserve it.... and many times I feel like I don't.

If anyone is reading this right now, I want to apologize for telling you I felt lustful.

And to remind you that God loves you no matter what. I know everyone's heard that before, but really THINK about that. NO MATTER WHAT. God will always take you back, no matter what you've done, if you want to come back to Him.

It just kind of puts everything in perspective. I can worry all I want about not having any money in the bank, but I know that I already have what I really need. I'm going to try not to worry so much because in the end, everything works out.

And worrying gives you wrinkles.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


I think it's incredibly cheesy to post song lyrics on my blog to express how I feel.

BUT... I'm doing it anyway.

This song is an anthem for anyone struggling everyday to make their dreams happen.
I'm so impressed with Taylor Swift... from what I know of her story (and it might not be all exactly right), she knew she wanted to perform since she was a little girl. She shopped around for a record deal when she was 10 years old (TEN!) and she eventually got one.

And the rest is history. She's one of the biggest cross-over country artists there is right now, maybe ever. Her songs are playing on at least 2 radio stations as I type this.

Her story is amazing, inspiring and a testament to the power of the will.

And the grace of God.

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

And it's a sad picture,
the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again
You know it's all the same,
another time and place
Repeating history and you're getting sick of it

But I believe in whatever you do
And I'll do anything to see it through
Because these things will change

Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution,
the time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah!
We'll sing hallelujah! Oh

So we've been outnumbered, raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair
We're getting stronger now
Found things they never found
They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared

You can walk away and say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes says we can beat this
'Cause these things will change

Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution
The time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah!
We'll sing hallelujah! Oh

Tonight we'll stand and get off our knees
To fight for what we worked for all these years
And the battle was long
it's the fight of our lives
But we'll stand up champions tonight
It was the night things changed

Can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It's a revolution,
throw your hands up,
'cause we never gave in
We'll sing hallelujah!
We sang hallelujah!

Friday, October 09, 2009

Checking my Impulses

Today was a pretty chill day.

Okay, that's even overstating what today was like. I told my coworker that I was working from home... I was working on my beauty sleep. I'm not exactly proud of slacking on my work, but I do feel like my mind and body needed it. Thankfully my job is such that if I slack off one week, I can make it up the next as long as I hit my numbers at the end of the month.

It's a procrastinator's dream.

And I actually learned a few things today. I learned that I have much less tolerance for crappy movies on DVD than I do for crappy movies on TV. If I turn on a crappy movie on TV, I'll probably watch it. Maybe it's because there are commercials to break it up, I can switch to another channel and come back to it or I can have it on while I do something else. When I rent a DVD, I purposefully put it into the machine, then settle down into the couch with snacks, drinks and a blanket to enjoy the movie. I devote all my attention to the movie.

And unfortunately, some just can't handle the scrutiny.

I'm not usually one to turn off a movie that I've rented--I figure there was something that appealed to me so I should give it a chance--but of the 5 movies I rented, I turned one off because I realized I'd already seen it (THAT was disappointing--how OLD am I?), one was just terrible but that's probably because it was a drug movie produced by MTV with a "My So-Called Life" vibe (Summer Phoenix--you are such a pretty girl with such a famous name--why the hell can't you ACT?) and I fell asleep during the END of another one. And I can't even care that I still don't know what happened. The other two movies are pretty good; one I've seen a thousand times before and will watch a thousand times again before I get sick of it and one I watched with my roommate and it scared the hell out of me (which was of course the point since it's October!)

On different note, I've been trying to keep my impulses under control lately. I'm going to the gym, trying (and often failing) to watch what I eat and I'm trying to keep my spending under control. That last one is not going so well. There is an impulse I've been good about denying and that one, well, let's just say that I'm on a celibacy kick. A complete celibacy kick. It's difficult but I'm trying to channel this creative energy into something positive.

Basically I'm wearing myself out at the gym and cooking more. That's usually positive unless I'm baking. Then I'm in trouble.

And now I'm off to get ready for the gym.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Everything Old is New Again.

It's been 2 years since my last post.

It's amazing how much can change in that short amount of time.

The last 2 years (at warp speed):

1. Broke up with s.o., started dating Emotionally Immature Alcoholic (EIA), broke up with him, am currently single and loving it.

2. Am still at the job I was new to when I posted last... and I really like it.

3. I've been in therapy for almost a year now and it's helped my growth tremendously.

4. I've deepened my relationship with God and it's been an amazing journey so far.

5. New apartment, new roommate--one of the best decisions yet.

6. I stopped eating meat almost 2 years ago and haven't really craved it since.

And one old thought: I haven't been able to shake the idea that a writer is what I'm supposed to be. A friend called me a Writer over the weekend to which I replied You have to WRITE to be a Writer... so here I am, trying to make that true. As Elizabeth Gilbert said, "I never promised the Universe I would write well, I just promised that I would write."

It's a beautiful Fall day. Beautiful Fall days make me want to cook, probably because using the stove won't make my living room feel like the surface of the sun. So far I've made Baba Ghanoush, which came out really bitter and I'll feel really bad if I have to throw it out but possibly worse if I have to eat it; caramel apples, which have lost almost all of their caramel to the wax paper under them; and turtle chocolate chip cookies which were premade by Toll House and have 170 calories PER COOKIE. I've only had, oh... FIVE. And I didn't work out today.

It could be (and has been) worse. I had an awesome weekend. I got to spend time with my family which I haven't been able to do for a long time. My niece is coming to see me in a couple of weeks and I'm actually really looking forward to it. I'm not a huge fan of pre-teens but this one is pretty fun.

This time around, I think I'm going to try to write more stories that I have trapped in my head. I might have to start another blog so I can prevent people from reading the drivel that was the beginning of this one, but I'll worry about that once I start posting regularly.

It feels pretty good to get started again. :)