Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Closet (Shower?) American Idol

Man, I can give some concert in the shower.

Just now I was singing away, hoping that my boyfriend would come home unexpectedly, hear me belting it out and stop in wonderment to listen. "Who is this girl?" he'll wonder. He'll tell me how awesome I sound, I'll start singing karaoke at bars until I have groupies and then I'll get signed by a record label and become a country superstar...

Right. That's what I'm fantasizing about while I'm dancing around the shower singing into an empty shampoo bottle.

Then I get out and the only audience member is Sam, an adorable 7 month old yellow lab that's been following me around all day pouting because I'm being lazy and he wants to play.

He appreciates my singing. He loves it. Really.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

And now an Uncontrolled Outburst

I'd like to take this time to mention how much I hate BANKS.

And I hate the people that answer the phone when you call the bank's 1 800 number.

Especially the woman that I spoke with this morning when I called to try to wheedle myself out of a $30 service charge that occured when I overdrew my account by $0.28.

Did I mention it was 28 CENTS?? This woman was hideous. I know they can remove the charges, they've done it before, and when I asked if why they couldn't remove the charge she said "because it's not a BANK ERROR. Can I help you with anything else?" Then she said goodbye and hung up.

Let me explain. I'm not freaking out because I screwed up. I screw up all the time and am more than willing to suffer the consequences. But the reason why I overdrew my account was beyond my control. I had to get gas. I had my tons of bills to pay last pay period and I had it down to the penny. Then I got lost in Atlanta and used an entire tank of gas getting out and getting home. I was beyond empty, I got the gas on credit from my debit account (not realizing they would hold the $1 that would send me over the edge) and prayed that the check I'd mailed 2 weeks ago would somehow wait just 12 more hours to go through. I have a direct deposit going in tonight at midnight. I thought banks kept track of that somehow... if it was a smaller bank, they would know me and know that the money will be there because it's always there and would sympathize with the fact that if I had not gotten gas to be able to get to work, there would be no more deposits, no more withdrawals, no more overdraft fees to keep their fucking pockets padded!!

This hideous woman, I wish I had gotten her name, just kept repeating that the money should have been there. I hope she never makes a mistake in her lifetime because if she does, I hope that no one gives her a break and she gets screwed from every angle. I hate people like that.

I do realize that this is my fault, at least that I could have overdraft protection or deposited $1 to cover the missing dollar but who wants to go into the bank and deposit just ONE DOLLAR? So now my gas has cost me $55. What's kind of funny about that is that there are people who actually pay that much on a regular basis.

I'm going to call the bank again tomorrow. If I get any shit from anyone, I'm going to ask to speak to the manager and tell them that their new merger makes their customer service SUCK and that although they wouldn't notice at all, if they are unwilling to help me, I'm going to pull every cent out of my account and tell anyone that would listen to never ever set foot in there again because they don't know how to treat people.

(now, let's just think about this for a minute.)

Yeah, they might just have to shut their doors if I do all that. Hell, the national bank would probably go under if I pulled all my money out. And if I spread the word that they suck, man, no telling how many people would pull their savings out. It would be the Great Depression all over again.

All kidding aside, what really does suck is that banks are so far removed from the people they're supposed to serve that when it comes to choosing a bank, one must choose not on the basis of what one wants, but what one doesn't want. The lesser of the evils.

Now, that just ain't right. I really wish I had gotten that hideous woman's name. I was so mad I almost broke my phone to try to hurt her. I'm so rational and logical, it's a wonder that the world doesn't revolve around me....

Monday, May 23, 2005

My controlled outburst

Have you ever sat and stared at someone while they explained in great and tedious detail something to you that you already knew?

Do you let them think you're a dumbass or do you quickly correct them and hope to God that they move on to something else?

I have a serious problem with authority. Not in a cool rebel way either. Mine is more passive-aggressive. I'll let them sit there, explain how to take care of something that I've already taken care of and then thank them for their advice. I figure my day will come.

Then I bitch to my poor boyfriend the entire way home about what assholes they are. I don't have a problem taking advice/instruction from someone that knows more than I do--it's the assholes that have sat through the entire instruction with me but, because I asked them a question about it, figure I must be confused and explain the entire thing again (verbatim) without answering my question that piss me off more than I can express without yelling and throwing things.

But I just thank them and research the answer myself. If they're too stupid to realize what was being asked, they deserve to stew in their self-congratulatory juices until the illusion of their superiority falls off the bone of their incompetant short-sightedness, with which I will pick my teeth. (ewww... hungry?)

My BF says get used to it... as long as you work for someone else, there will be somone to tell you what to do and to just tell them to kiss your big white ass.

Sounds good to me.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

I had an awful premonition.

I knew it was coming, I mean, I remember when it happened to my mom. I just wasn't prepared for what it would really be like.

Then it happened: My hairdryer tried to kill me.

I was just drying my hair, alternately flipping my head over to get some volume and my dryer kept going off. When I raised it back up, it would come back on. So I tried it a few more times to make sure it wasn't just me... Raise it up--power. Lower--no power.

Raised-ON, lower-OFF, onoffonoffonoffonoffonoff... then...


The base of the dryer erupted in sparks, flames, hideous electrical exploding noises... very traumatic. I probably should have turned it off or pulled the plug or dropped it and ran, but I was afraid of burning down the house so I stood there holding the eletric geyser at arm's length whimpering "oh shit, holy shit" over and over until the dryer had spent itself and died.

Having a healthy distrust of all electrical appliances anyway (maybe because when I was a child, my dad warned me not to stick my hand into the garbage disposal--when it was off-- because, as he said "it's only electric") I think I'm going for the natural look for a few days.

You'll be able to find me at Target in the next few days, purchasing a new dryer... I'm resilient like that.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

And then he called me fat.....

What to do when your boyfriend calls you "fat"*

1. Cry
2. Ask him who the fuck he thinks he's judging... he's not so teeny either
3. Ask who he's comparing you to, he's never had any complaints before (which could lead to a whole other argument)

*Of course, you had a few glasses of wine and a pint of Haagen Daas Dulce de Leche. Also, the exact conversation was :
Me: You have really good taste in ice cream
Him: yeah, when I was at Winn Dixie checking out, the girl asked me if I had a girlfriend, she thought my taste was so good.
Me: Was she asking if you had a girlfriend because she thought it was so good or if you were buying it for your girlfriend?
Him: (sarcastially) yeah, she asked me "do you date a fat red-head girl? Is this for her?"

So then I got pissed since I hadn't made any insinuation as to whether I thought it was an issue of weight and when I voiced my distress he said "yeah, I can see where you're coming from, but I didn't mean it like that."

Am I wrong for not expecting an apology? I don't really think he thinks that I'm fat, but still... he's got to learn that when a girl is on her period, you don't make fat jokes and then not apologize. Especially when she is taking steps to correct supposed (and apparently inncorrect--according to him) fatness.... am I just drunk? I think I have a point.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

So I happened to see an ad online for Britney Spears' new "reality" show and thought it might be entertaining to watch it last night.

It was definitely entertaining... like a car wreck is entertaining. Could she BE any trashier? When she started talking about how good the sex was with Kevin (when he had a pregnant ex-girlfriend) I was grossed out. Do whatever you want, but don't tell the whole freakin world about it. I hope there weren't any 13 year old girls that stayed up to watch her show... I'm not going to be a virgin when I get married either, but I don't have little girls idolizing me. Or Barbie dolls made in my likeness. Or people getting plastic surgery to look like me.

I felt like I was watching someone's really boring home videos. Only the most star-struck voyeur will enjoy watching that show for longer than 20 mins.

There were a couple of things I liked about it. The scenes where she was about to perform were pretty cool--I can't imagine walking out onto a stage surrounded by thousands of screaming fans... and I loved her country accent (that she really cleans up for her interviews) because she sounds like a lot of people I know.

That show might become a guilty pleasure, like eating a huge bowl of Dulce de Leche ice cream... but I'll feel just as bloated and sick after I finish watching it.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

I love breakfast. I made myself eggs with cream cheese and sausage this morning and it was so so good. It was also low-carb except that the sausage was brown sugar and honey... mmmmm.

This is my 4th day on Trimspa. I've been forgetting to take it at night, but still trying not to eat too much. Unless I've had a few drinks, then it's hard to control myself. I guess the drinking should have been the first thing to go, but when my boyfriend's in town, it's like I'm on vacation and nothing I do during the week counts on the weekend. I hope he can find a job in town permanently or else I'm never going to lose weight! Geez, doesn't he ever think about me? (yeah, I'm not really that selfish... well, not all the time.)

Ever notice how when a bunch of women work together (or just 5) things seem to get really catty? There are a couple of women where I work that are driving me nuts--asking coworkers to keep a critique of my performance between them without telling me. Um, that's not very constructive. When I found out I felt like I was back in high school. There's no way I'm getting involved in that BS but I'm still irritated by it. I like working with men so much better. At least men don't have a problem with you confronting them and giving them an earfull--they might even commend you for it! If I did that at work, the fallout would be instant and I'd never find out anything again. See, they're making me into them. It's a conspiracy.

Whatever. Work is work. I had really cool dreams last night. I dreamed that I coached a basketball team even though I didn't know how to play and I had sex with a girl. It wasn't a very sexy dream and I wasn't sure that I was doing it right but it was kind of cool. I'm afraid I didn't pleasure her very well though. Oh well. I guess it's good that I'm not gay.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Rousing the Bear

When the need arose to bring my air conditioning window unit out of hibernation, I was reminded that it is really summer and it's going to get really HOT. That means I won't be able to hide my winter-widened butt and gut beneath jeans and sweaters anymore. It's also too hot to wear anything with sleeves. Basically, the less clothing you wear, the cooler you are--and there is no part of my body that I'd like to bare anytime soon. Since I'm in the minority of women that are hot-natured, making my body bare-able is a major necessity.

For temperature control only. (riiiiiiight.)

So I took a chance and bought Trim Spa. It's supposed to curb your appetite so you eat less but also control sugar cravings and reroute glucose so it goes to your muscles instead of being stored as fat (or something... it says it on the box.) I don't believe everything I read, but I thought What the hell? There's no ephedra and maybe it really does work...

Bottom line: I need to try something, FAST. I have a wedding to go to and my birthday coming up in about 3 weeks. I hate seeing fat pictures of myself, so I'm taking desperate measures.

Surprisingly, there were no instructions at all when I opened the box. Only sheets of pills. All the instructions are on the back which are pretty much "Take with 8 ounces of water or the pill might expand in your esophagus and cause you to choke." WHAT?? I took my 2 pills this morning with tons of water (choking is one of my biggest fears), had breakfast and waited to see what would happen.

I'm definitely feeling it. And what I'm feeling is like a huge caffeine buzz without the jitters. I am a bit spacey and my thoughts are racing but so far, not so bad. I have to take one more at midday and one at night (I'm glad I have to work because I'd never sleep on this stuff) and then I've completed my daily supply.

The box says I need to take these pills for at least 6 days continuously for optimal results--not promising results after those 6 days but we'll see...

Maybe I'll be able to walk around pilled-out and sloppy like Anna Nicole Smith asking people "Do you like my baaahdy?" While groping myself like I am reliving my really bad soft-core porn movie that was so disgusting to watch... not that I ever did. (GROSS!!!!)

Monday, May 09, 2005

This made me laugh. A Lot. Posted by Hello

The One Thing

Well, vacation's over. Back to work. I spent 4 days in Augusta with my family. I love them and I miss them but they started to drive me crazy while I was there. I had thought I would get to sleep in and enjoy all the comforts of home as I had known them in high school, but my puppy woke me up every morning at 6:45. I did all the cooking because I wanted to, but even that became a chore. Strange how the meals seemed to get progressively worse as the week went on.

Not that any of them were bad, but the last one was not as good as the first. I've considered going to culinary school, but I don't know if I want to make a living cooking yet. It is the one area of my life I'm aggressively competitive in (if you tell me someone makes the best cheesecake or stew or veal you've ever had, I'll make it better and make you tell me it's better) and I find a Zen-like tranquility in the chopping, stirring and measuring (although my measurements don't require actual measuring tools.)

I am however, going to get my real estate license. I think it will be a good thing to have and since I can take the classes online, it won't interfere with my current job. Maybe I'll get that license, get my teaching certificate (which I want so the government will forgive my student loans) , go to culinary school and become a sort of feminine Mark Twain.

Is it better to be great at one thing or good at many things? I don't have that single minded passion that drives the people that are fantastically amazing at their ONE THING. It's a choice. I could devote all my time and energy into writing or cooking or what-have-you and when I'm THE BEST IN THE WORLD I'd tell myself that it was worth not doing anything else--not having explored other directions my life could have taken.

That's what those people do, right? They devote themselves to the mastery of One Thing, sacrificing everything else and believe it's worth it in the end. I can't--won't--do that. I want to be good at everything--but I admire their passion, determination and discipline.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

So I'm here at my mom's house in Augusta and we are in the middle of a Garage Sale. It's 8:30 in the morning and we've been in full swing for an hour. The ad in the paper said it started at 8am, but apparently there are some serious Garage Salers out there determined to get the best bargain.

It's funny how we have a garage sale to get rid of the stuff we don't want, but as soon as the money starts rolling in, we're willing to sell the stuff we do want if we'll get a good price for it.

It's Garage Sale Fever!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Good Morning! I'm up pretty early since I don't have much to do today and am considering going back to bed (after breakfast of course!) I'm such a productive person... riiiiiiiight.

Actually, I'm still pretty tired because I was up half the night watching "Monster." Now that's a GREAT way to spend a night alone in your boyfriend's house with all the strange noises and only a jumpy puppy for company. I'm not sure if Charlize Theron truly deserved to win that Oscar but she was hideous. She looked exactly like the actual serial killer and from what I've seen of her in interviews, acted like her too. It was hard to believe that under all that makeup and extra weight was this absolutely stunning woman.

The best acting advice I've ever heard was from Kevin Spacey on "Inside the Actors Studio." He said you have to let them think it's really you--that the character you're playing is so close to your own personality that it comes naturally. It really seems more like common sense but let anyone try to let another personality inhabit their body and mind and see how comfortable that is.

Which is why I'm not paid to act. I'm actually a terrible actress, though I love to do it. In school I was always in musicals and plays but never had a major part. Now I see that someone did know what they were doing, which is not what I thought at the time.

Everyone has their calling, right? Mine is obviously writing (that's probably pretty hilarious considering my content-deprived comments on this blog) and I'm steadily working toward realizing it.

I don't know if I got to the end of Monster. I better see if it's on HBO again (I might just be in luck) while I eat breakfast. I hope everyone has a beautiful day!

Monday, May 02, 2005

I guess everyone's heard the story of the Duluth, GA woman that ran from her wedding, later claiming to have been kidnapped.

My boyfriend and I were talking about this last night and began wondering, why did she have to say she was kidnapped? If she just happened to run away one night and it just happened to be right before her enormous wedding, it wouldn't be too hard to figure out why she did it. But to put your friends and family through that... that's awful. She couldn't have thought that no one would notice--I read that she and her fiancee had sent out 600 wedding invitations! That's entirely too many people to start with (unless you're royalty) and way too many people to just sneak out quietly.

On the other hand, how can anyone really blame her? Getting married is a huge deal, especially in front of 600 people. That's an awful lot of gossip if it doesn't work out. Maybe she's a drama queen that just wanted the attention... maybe it was her mother in law that was doing all the planning and she wanted to exert some control... maybe she really was naive enough to think that no one would notice and it wouldn't be a big deal.

At least she came clean with the kidnapping story. She could have given a false description of her kidnappers and had the whole country in a frenzy. So she's not diabolical. What I want to know is, what exactly are they going to charge her with? In order for there to be charges pressed, doesn't someone have to press them? Who would have the right to do that? Definitely her fiancee, but would he? Her parents probably wouldn't, so who else would? Me? Do I have the right because I was worried about her, planned on attending the prayer vigil and then found out what a sucker I am?

I'm sure we'll all find out since the news loves anything sensational. One of the disc jockeys in Atlanta made sure to tell everyone that he had gone to both church services yesterday to pray really hard for the girl because she had really upset him. My advice: get the hell over it. Let the woman do what she wants to do. She upset her family and friends and I think it's shitty but I don't think she should be charged with anything and I think the media is having way too much fun with this story. At least she didn't pull out a rocket launcher and murder all 600 of her guests.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

When does a crutch become an addiction?

Today is such a gorgeous day. Breezy, sunny, hardly a cloud and the sky is a crystal clear blue. I have the windows open, I don't have to work tonight, I have fun plans with friends this afternoon...

So why am I so irritated and unsettled?

I know why. I have no idea how to help someone I love when they don't want it. I love this person, I trust him but I don't think he's being honest with himself. I think he has a drug problem. I think he's honest with me about everything he does, but since he knows how much I hate it, he still tries to keep it from me. I thought for a while that if I pretended to not be bothered by it I would find out exactly how much he does it. That didn't work... I felt dishonest and I can't be like everyone else in his life that just says it's no big deal. We've talked about it so many times and I've let him know exactly how I feel... he doesn't think he's addicted, that it's just a crutch. Where is the line between using it for a crutch (as many people use caffeine to stay awake when they need to) and being a full-fledged addict?

I'm confused, irritated, scared and have no one to talk about this. There are a few of his friends that know and I don't know if they've said anything to him about stopping, but I don't want to be the kind of girl that's talking to his friends behind his back. He's a grown man, he's very strong willed and in control of himself and I believe that when he wants to stop, he will. I just get so frustrated and feel so helpless.

If there's anyone that has any advice, I'd love to hear it.