Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Going Visible

Gmail says I'm invisible.

And it challenges me to Go Visible.

So far I have not accepted the challenge...either from Gmail or Life. See, I want to be both Visible and Invisible. I want to be Invisible because then there are no expectations of me... if you can't see me, you can't be disappointed by me. It's better to be Invisible and not risk anything.

No. That's not it.

I want to be Visible. I want to be Alive and Excited, Motivated and Ambitious.

But I DON'T want to be Judged. I don't want people to dislike me. I want to satisfy everyone's expectations of me. I want to be able to be what everyone wants me to be. Who is Everyone? Good question.

Where did I get this idea that I have to be all things to all people in order to be successful? When did I decide that what I want for myself is not enough? My rational mind has told me to Eff the Haters, I'll Do What I Want, but when I'm challenged on that, I fold like a paper crane.

So far I think the problem lies with what I have chosen to do with my life. I have no defense when someone tells me I'm not doing the right thing because I actually agree with them. My only response is "If not this, then what? I don't know what I want to do." I've been very fortunate in my life so far to have been able to pick up pretty decent jobs whenever the opportunity presented itself. I have rarely fought for any of them; usually "fighting" meant saying what needed to be said in order to convince the person I was talking to that I wanted the job. I guess I've had a knack for that so far... and look where it's gotten me.

I realize that I'm coming to the point where I have to Choose. I have to choose what I want, I have to set my feet upon that path and start walking. I have to keep walking no matter what obstacles fall in my way.

I'm treading water right now and I think I have been for a while. It's time to put my head down and swim. Even if it's against the current.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

My One Year Project

(Inspired by Jenny)

I don't really have a birthday milestone coming up, well, except for 40 but thankfully it's far enough away that I don't have to think about THAT nightmare. Still, I'd like to create a list for myself to complete in one year. I will write about my experiences and cross off things as I complete them. In theory, it sounds like an ambitious and fun project. In practice, we'll see.

Most people who create these lists have the number correspond to the age they're reaching that year (30 Things To Do Before I'm 30, etc.) but since my age isn't important to me in that regard, I'll be reasonable and aim for one completed project (or at least begun) each month.

12 Things to Do Before August 2011:

1. Get my finances in order: dig out what I owe and exactly to whom and create a plan to pay off half, if not ALL of my debt.

2. Find a job that I LOVE to do. Try not to get bogged down by what I think I SHOULD be doing.
3. WRITE. Write more. Fearlessly send out stories for publication.
4. Stop procrastinating. Tomorrow.

5. Complete a triathlon in less than 2 hours. My first one was almost 2.5 hours. The next one in that series is also in June at Lake Lanier.
6. Practice meditation. Find Inner Peace. Yeah, it's a lofty one. And will probably take years to master but a year would be a good start.

7. Make the trip to go see my family in Texas: Houston, Austin, San Antonio. Maybe Dallas if my Dad is there.
8. Go visit my friends in close states (Megan in D.C., Leanne in NC)

I'll have to get back with the last 4. I thought I'd be able to dash these out, but it turns out that I need to think about what I want to do. Telling? Probably.

And now I'm off to work on scratching procrastination off the list.