Lent, Diets, Oprah and Serial Killers. Random.

Ah, Lent. I've been Catholic since I was a teeny infant so Lent has always been a big part of my faith. During the 40 days of Lent, you'r supposed to give up something so that the suffering you experience will bring you closer to God. I used to give up sweets to try to lose a few pounds, but it rarely worked. Then I tried making a promise to do something instead of give something up, with the rationalization that giving something up is really more about personal gain (or loss, in terms of weight.) This year I've given up beer, liquor and procrastination. Guess which one I'm having the most trouble with.

And now I'm feeling guilty along with procrastinating. But the guilt isn't enough to make me stop. I've already lost today. I have to go work out in less than an hour... better to get something done with my day, right? I drank too much wine last night, which made it much harder to get motivated to do anything.

Yech, I'm watching an episode of Oprah about child molestors and abusers. Oprah was describing their crimes and they are truly disgusting. I have a 7 yr old niece and I don't know what I would do if anyone tried to hurt her. Well, I have an idea of what I'd like to do, but I don't know exactly what I'm capable of. Thankfully no one in my family has been victimized by someone else. Yech. Now I feel all dirty.

I watched this show about serial killers the other day, about how they could be the nice guy next door--as was the BTK killer-- and when I went grocery shopping later, I was wary of anyone that stared, even looked, at me for longer than a second. They might be a serial killer! During the show, when the BTK killer was confessing his crimes in court, he was so calm and unemotional it made my stomach hurt. Really. He told how he would talk to his victims before he raped them, then killed them, and how when one woman threw up after locking her kids in the bathroom, he helped her clean up and got her a glass of water before killing her. I've never seen evil personified before and it freaked me out. And what's really gross, BTK stands for Bind, Torture, Kill. He signed his notes to the police with that signature. (shudder) Gross.

Okay. So now I'm procrastinating, freaked out and still have to get ready to go to the gym. I'm going to a spinning class and then possibly pilates. I haven't been in over 3 months so we'll see if I can make the 2 hours. I've gotten so fat, and this time I'm not even kidding. I'm probably the biggest I've ever been and I need to take it down a couple sizes. I'd like to lose 30-40 pounds before August. Think I can do it? Maybe. I've already been cutting out the pizza, ice cream and beer that got me here. Wish me luck.

Back to Work

Is there anything as satisfying as the sound of an ankle popping? I've sprained my ankle(s) numerous times and each time they heal, if I move my ankle just right, I'll get it to crack. The louder the crack, the more satisfying it is to me. Weird? I also pull the dead skin off my feet and pick my nose (using a tissue, of course) so maybe I'm just weird. Or gross.

I've been sick for about 2 weeks now. I blame it partly on my boyfriend. He's sick too but I can still remember when I was well... and then he got me sick. Jerk. Of course, beer and liquor do not make anything better and I didn't stop drinking until a couple of days ago (and it was damn time too... you know you're hitting it too hard when nothing tastes good anymore.) Everyone once in a while I feel like absolute ASS but I'm getting by alright.

It's funny to me how every aptitude test I've ever taken (including the ones on tickle.com, which I paid for because I'm an idiot) tell me I should be an actress or a journalist. I have wanted to be both in my lifetime and even went so far as to get a Bachelor of Arts in Journalism at a pretty well known J-school and have chosen so far not to use it at all. Instead I'm a slave to my phone and other people's schedules. My job is pretty fun but not so challenging or stimulating. They (the Powers That Be) try, but I think I need something that's going to keep me busy and challenged on a daily basis. I'm looking, that's for sure... probably about as hard as my lazy-ass boyfriend is... and I have a job!

Alright... back to work.

Apparently I am of dubious character...

Man, what is wrong with me? I joined a sorority in college, drained my dad's bank account, got shitty grades while seriously fucking up my credit, had to live with my mom for a year while going to school locally so that I could get back into the University I left and didn't hear from any of "my sisters" in the sorority once I left. When I came back to school, I didn't want to have anything to do with them--not just because I realized that I didn't have any true friends in there (with the notable exception of a few, but they left the sorority too... how interesting) but because I realized I didn't need that kind of pressure in my life. I hated feeling like I was always trying to catch up to everyone else and that I had to go along to get along. I'm a very independent person... I hated feeling left out if I wasn't doing what everyone else was all the time. It turns out that I'm an alumni. Some how I fell through the cracks and they didn't make me "officially" quit, but everyone knows I did. Of course, since I'm listed as an alumni, I'm using that to whatever advantage I can. I put it on my resume, for example. Anything for a foot in the door, right?

So. There's all that. And then I joined My Space. And I put in a request to join the sorority's group. I did that before I checked the comments and found that there is an alumni on the advisory board of the chapter that I used to belong to who lives in my town and wants to meet other "sisters". If she finds a way to contact me, I'm going to basically tell her to fuck off (much nicer than that.) But what does that say about me? Why did I join that group? Just to have it on my profile? Wow, I'm pretty superficial.

I really hate it when I make extremely unflattering realizations about myself.

Paradigm of Productivity:

1. Stay up until 5am talking to your boyfriend about past relationships; feel icky at first, then grow closer through the process.
2. Sleep until 9am, then watch episodes of Charmed and ER on TNT until boyfriend gets up.
3. Eat bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats while watching TV.
4. Boyfriend gets up, boyfriend goes back to sleep, make egg sandwich while finishing ER.
5. Boyfriend wakes up, take out dog, throw ball, eat yogurt while watching beginning of CSI marathon on Spike TV.
6. Continue on couch watching CSI until boyfriend leaves to pick up roommate stranded at Pep Boys.
7. Fall back to sleep.
8. Wake up when boyfriend returns with roommate, take out dog, throw ball, come in and watch TV with boyfriend and pot-smoking roommate.
9. Take shots of Makers Mark out of 50ml bottle with boyfriend while watching Napoleon Dynamite (in which roommate was part of cast.)
10. Eat 1 piece each of 2 pizzas that boyfriend and roommate have cooked because they're high. Grab beer and escape to bedroom to play on computer.
11. Continue to watch CSI marathon while searching through fav websites.
12. Consider getting another beer.
13. Try to work up motivation to go to gym for Spinning class or Step/Abs at 5:30.
14. Scrap gym idea, try to work up motivation to get to work.

And here we are. Fourteen bullets, starting at 9am. Man, am I lazy or what? Well, you know, it's a holiday, right? I don't want any crap about how I should be doing something for the community in honor of Dr. King... I'm doing my part for the environment by not driving my car. Bite me.

My teeth have sweaters on them. They probably feel like that because I haven't brushed them yet today. Before you get all grossed out, I've been working on organizing M's dining room/my storage area since 10am, no kidding. Did I mention that he didn't help at all? Well, that's not entirely true... I begged him to help me break down boxes and throw out all the empty beer bottles before his friend came over and he did, a little. But now I'm hiding in his room watching the Rose Bowl because I'm too embarrassed to be out there seeing the mess through fresh eyes. If I wanted the house to be as clean as I'd like it to be, I'd be picking up after these boys every single day and I'm just not going to do that. So the house is worse that disgusting. I'm afraid if the cops showed up for any reason, they would take our dogs and report us to Animal Control or whatever agency rescues pets. I'm only exaggerating a little. It really is that bad. And I can deal with it if it's just our dirty little secret, but when Matt actually invites his friends over and won't clean up, I'm hiding in the room.

Venting is nice, huh? I've been so incredibly unproductive today. I should have been doing so much more work than I got done. I know that because I organized all my crap, it should make me more efficient in the long run, but I have to play catch up tomorrow. And I'm training a new girl... that will be a little awkward: I know I've said that all this is done, but it's really not and don't tell anyone, okay? Yeah. That'll be a great first impression. Oh well. Gotta break them in somehow, right?

I need another beer. I have more crap to vent but I'd rather just forget it and watch Texas beat the crap out of USC (I hope. UGA disppointed me so much I can barely talk about it. I actually had nightmares about the Sugar Bowl.)

I'm out.