It's Friday.

Friday night and I'm sitting at home with my computer, a good book and a bottle of wine.

Not too bad, eh?

What kills me is that while I really enjoy time by myself, when I look back, I kind of regret it. I don't have pictures of nights out to share with friends on Myspace or to frame and put on my desk. I don't have crazy stories to share tomorrow at work. What I do have (will have, tomorrow) is a good night's sleep and a well-prepared-for football game day.

God, I feel old.

There was a time when having fun with my friends was more important than getting a good night's sleep. Those crazy nights are the things I remember, right? Not how much sleep I got or that book that is really just light reading and not significant at all. Of course, all my friends were my age back then... and now they're all at least 4 years younger than me. That's my sister's age and she used to be the youngest person I knew. That's what I get for staying in a college town. (to quote "Dazed and Confused", "that's why I love high school girls... I keep getting older and they stay the same age." Of course, I don't love high school girls or college girls or any girls more than dear friends... but you know what I mean!)

The way I feel tonight reminds me of a night in my senior year of high school when my friend Sarah and I were looking for a party. We drove around for almost 2 HOURS looking for this damn thing and never did find it. We had a great time in the car though... we were dancing to Steve Miller Band and cracking up about random shit. We also made a pact that if anyone asked us why we weren't at the party, we would stick to the story that we had found a better one and spent all our time there. Neither of us wanted to admit that we spent the whole night driving around like losers... even though both of us had a blast.

So I guess if anyone asks what I did tonight, I could tell them the boring truth--that I took care of myself and had a quiet evening at home--or I could make some shit up about finding the craziest party and not making it out downtown. I think this is one of those situations where I have to be grateful for what I have, so I don't think I'll be making up stories to entertain listeners.

My worth is not decided by the people listening to my stories, real or fake. That's something I still have to learn... other people do not decide my worth. I do.

Geez, when did this post turn into Dr. Phil?

Relieved

After 3 months of anxiety and suspense, it's finally done.

No more court dates, hearings, anxiety about jail time or playing nice with the former bosses. Of course, my anxiety about possible jail time was completely unfounded... when things get tough, I get anxious--about everything.

I had my hearing yesterday. It didn't go the way I expected it to--that is, I didn't expect The Corporation to pull out the big guns for just little ol'me. I said everything I had to say and now all there is to do is try to forget about it. Either I win and they give me the money they owe me or nothing changes and I'm still broke as a joke.

I do feel like a weight is lifted now that I'm done with The Corporation. My self-esteem is increasing, I'm taking better care of myself (i.e. trying to lose this weight!), and I'm trying to decide what I really WANT to do. That's the upside.

The downside is that I can't shake the feeling that I'm back where I was 4 years ago. I ran screaming from the bar business and I'm right back in it. Starting at the bottom! Well, it has only been a couple of months and I guess if bartending is what I have to fall back on, I'm not doing too bad.

My s.o. just brought me a big bowl of chicken tortilla soup from McAlisters. It's delicious and hot and helping to clear my sinuses. Thank God for that... I haven't felt this sick in a long time.

Catchy Title

It's been a while since I've posted. Haven't felt like writing lately. Kinda ironic because I used to daydream about leaving The Corporation and all the writing I'd be able to do once I left. Well, here I am. Let the inspiration begin!

Since my last post, I've:

1. Finished the new Harry Potter. It was a great way to end the story. I'm so glad they made the books into movies--there's still something to look forward to! I finished it a lot faster than I thought I would. I was over 500 pages in after my first 5-hour reading marathon.

2. Had my hair cut and colored by the hysterical and gifted Shayne at City Salon.

3. Been working like a mad man. Too bad there's not more to show for it, but football is coming and then we'll all be rich! At least, that's the mantra that keeps getting repeated at The Bar.

4. Got back in contact with an old, well, we'll call her a friend. This "friend" and I had a pretty bad falling out in which she really hurt my feelings and not only has not apologized, but insists that she was in the right. Whatever. I guess it's not worth it. Or is it? Time will tell...

I guess that's about it. I need a project or something to work on, to keep me busy. I'm pretty much a vampire now--going to work from 10pm-5am and sleeping until about 2pm. Doesn't leave a lot of time in the day to get things done. I need wine storage and a coffee table...maybe the s.o. and I can work out something. He can build just about anything.

There's some chicken in the fridge calling to me...

Cheers.

I think I can I think I can

I was just thinking about the Little Engine That Could. About how he never gave up, even when success seemed impossible, the road was too long and he was exhausted.

It's funny to me how the morals of my childhood stories mean more to me now than they did when I was read them. Of course, I didn't know anything about life then. So maybe the stories do what they are supposed to.

and I'm FREE

Weeeeeee! I am officially free! All of this nightmarish court stuff is finally over. I had a great day in court today with a very understanding and patient prosecutor. Now if The Corporation will only pay my unemployment, I'll finally be able to truly start fresh. I feel like a new person. It's amazing.

One thing that struck me while I was in jail (for the 8 hours I spent in that holding cell) was how easy it seemed to get there. I was put there because my license was suspended because of a ticket I didn't pay from 2006. I didn't know that it was suspended... neither did I know that police DO NOT, in fact, give you any leeway when it comes to paying your tag tax. My bday is June 5 and I was pulled over on June 22. I thought you had the whole month to pay it... NOT SO. I was terrified on the way to court today. I didn't know if they would be as mean as they were in jail, but as my s.o. pointed out, you're a person again in the courtroom. I thank God that things went as well as they did. Now I can finally get on with my life.

And that consists of pretty much nothing but work right now. I still have a ton of stuff to pay off so I'm trying to pick up as many shifts as possible. I want to do some more reading, but I need to spend my money on things like keeping the lights on so the new books will have to wait. Unless of course, I can borrow the new Harry Potter and then no one will see me for at least a week until I finish it. I've been trying to re-read my favorite books, but it feels like watching a DVD I've already seen a few too many times. The old favs just can't keep my attention right now... except David Sedaris. I can read his books over and over again. Maybe it's because each story is different and I always find something I missed the first (few) times I read the story. I've tried reading "The Road Less Traveled" again because it meant a lot to me when I read it the first time 10 years ago, but it's feeling dated to me now. If anyone reading this has any suggestions on books to try, please let me know. I love a good story. Stephen King had a few suggestions in his memoir and I put those on my Amazon Wish List. (that might be a hint if I thought anyone was actually reading this...)

I should go get ready for bed now. I have to work in the morning (and by morning I mean almost noon) and today has been a very long day.

Cheers!

A Quick Pep Talk for Myself

The Power of The Mind.

It's a wonderful thing. "The Alchemist" says whenever you want something, the universe conspires to help you get it (in so many words.) I guess the key is to focus on what it is that you want.

Tonight will be a Good Night. We will be busy and I will make more than I need to put some stuff in order. That's what I want.

Now I just have to go get it.

On Writing (is awesome)

I've been reading Stephen King's "On Writing". The first half is a memoir and the second half is pretty much an instruction manual. I love his instructions on writing: write like a maniac until you have the entire story out, then put it away for 6 weeks and don't even think about re-reading it. That's exactly what I've found that I have to do with stories I write... if I read them too soon after I write them, I hate them. I want to fix everything and more often than not, I throw it out. Sometimes I'll stuff them in a drawer or a box and when I find them some time later (usually the next time I move, which is practically every year) I read them and wonder what I thought was so terrible. Sometimes I'm actually impressed with my writing--but I keep those to myself because I don't want anyone to rain on my parade (whether it's deserved or not.)

What I really want to read is the new Harry Potter. I can't bring myself to pay the $20 for the hardcover, so I'm trying to restrain myself. It's actually not to difficult since I can't find a spare $20 anywhere, but God help me if I make a ton of money some night this week.

My court date is approaching next week and I have to make sure I have all my ducks in a row. I'm really nervous. I know exactly what I'm going to do, thanks to a wonderful friend with a law practice, but I'm still afraid they're going to find a reason to throw me back in jail. I wonder if everyone that's been in jail thinks that... it's pretty traumatizing. Maybe I'll make the s.o. go with me so he can tear me away and help me get to a non-extradition country. I'll have to do some more planning.

That's it for today... I've caught some cold and am fighting it off with Advil Cold & Sinus and a Miller Lite. I should probably trade that for some hot tea...

Cheers!