Update: My birthday was a raging success. I accepted that my family members have lives outside of mine and enjoyed a quiet little party with them the week before my birthday. My actual birthday was spent competing in a triathlon--which was so awesome that I can't wait to do it again--and then out with friends. And one of them became more than that.
I've known this guy for 3 years and we've been through all sorts of things together: his relationships, my relationships, we've offered advice and comfort to each other, been there when the other needed a friend, had our arguments and disagreements, had periods where we didn't speak because of something the other did but only now does it seem like we finally found each other.
It's really a day that I thought would never come. I knew there was interest and attraction on both sides, but we never tried to take it any further. So how did we get here? I don't even know... and I keep asking myself that.
It's too new to start analyzing too much. I'm trying to just relax (which can be difficult for me in situations like this) and enjoy it. If this is what God wants, it's going to be awesome, and if it's not, I'm going to do my best to just let it go.
All I know is: this is going to be some ride.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Birthday Disappointment.
My birthday is in about 3 weeks. I'm competing in a triathlon on that day and there is a roller derby bout that night. So, lots of fun things, right?
I just learned that not one member of my family will be there to celebrate with me. And it breaks my heart. I haven't really stopped crying about it since yesterday. I would (and have) changed plans to be with my family, to support them when they need it. Now I'm realizing that I may be the only one. To be fair, neither my mom nor my dad live in the same state as me and my sister just had a baby--she'll be barely a month old on my birthday. So it doesn't make sense for any of them to try to make it.
But my brother and his wife have made other plans. They're going on a beach trip with their youth group on my birthday. And the wife mentioned it to me like I should be excited for them... even asked me if I would like to drive 4 hours down there to meet them--after I complete the triathlon. Um, NO.
I was flabergasted. To make it worse, last week when I saw her, she had the nerve to try to make a big deal about HER birthday. Seriously?
I used to think the 3 of us siblings were really tight... but now I think that was just my imagination. My brother's 30th birthday is in a few months and even though his wife is dragging him to Iowa, of all places, I'm still going to throw him a rocking party. He deserves it. Excessive birthday partying is something we grew up with, and I'll be damned if some girl he married is going to take that tradition away from us.
The tears have stopped. I think writing it down has made me feel better. Funny how that happens. :)
I just learned that not one member of my family will be there to celebrate with me. And it breaks my heart. I haven't really stopped crying about it since yesterday. I would (and have) changed plans to be with my family, to support them when they need it. Now I'm realizing that I may be the only one. To be fair, neither my mom nor my dad live in the same state as me and my sister just had a baby--she'll be barely a month old on my birthday. So it doesn't make sense for any of them to try to make it.
But my brother and his wife have made other plans. They're going on a beach trip with their youth group on my birthday. And the wife mentioned it to me like I should be excited for them... even asked me if I would like to drive 4 hours down there to meet them--after I complete the triathlon. Um, NO.
I was flabergasted. To make it worse, last week when I saw her, she had the nerve to try to make a big deal about HER birthday. Seriously?
I used to think the 3 of us siblings were really tight... but now I think that was just my imagination. My brother's 30th birthday is in a few months and even though his wife is dragging him to Iowa, of all places, I'm still going to throw him a rocking party. He deserves it. Excessive birthday partying is something we grew up with, and I'll be damned if some girl he married is going to take that tradition away from us.
The tears have stopped. I think writing it down has made me feel better. Funny how that happens. :)
Monday, May 10, 2010
Here we GO.
He's got to be a little bit dangerous, this guy I'm looking for.
Besides being tall and handsome (Clive Owen, not Pierce Brosnan), funny, intelligent, Catholic, compassionate and close to his family, he's got to be strong. Strong enough to know when to use force, if necessary. He's got to be mischevious and able to push it right to the edge but controlled enough to know how to pull it back at the last second.
Just a little dangerous and unpredictable.
I guess I want him to be the part of me I never get to express. The part that wants to take off on an adventure in the middle of the night and throw responsibility to the wind. To never know where I'm going or what will happen when I get there, but ready for anything.
I think living in such a small world has blunted my senses so that I can't even find my way around my sister's neighborhood anymore. I barely have a sense of direction because I don't have to. There was a time when I believed I could get through anything.... that I could handle anything, that no matter how out of control things seemed, I could deal.
I've accepted that I can't control everything but does that mean that I've stopped taking chances? I'm on a quest of self discovery and I'm starting to get bored.
Since I control my thoughts, intentions and therefore, my own reality, I should be able to change this path pretty easily. Actually, not easily. Seems that the hardest person to control and discipline is myself. Letting go is much easier, but getting out of a slump takes discipline.
Tomorrow is a new day, full of adventurous possibilities.
Here we go.
Besides being tall and handsome (Clive Owen, not Pierce Brosnan), funny, intelligent, Catholic, compassionate and close to his family, he's got to be strong. Strong enough to know when to use force, if necessary. He's got to be mischevious and able to push it right to the edge but controlled enough to know how to pull it back at the last second.
Just a little dangerous and unpredictable.
I guess I want him to be the part of me I never get to express. The part that wants to take off on an adventure in the middle of the night and throw responsibility to the wind. To never know where I'm going or what will happen when I get there, but ready for anything.
I think living in such a small world has blunted my senses so that I can't even find my way around my sister's neighborhood anymore. I barely have a sense of direction because I don't have to. There was a time when I believed I could get through anything.... that I could handle anything, that no matter how out of control things seemed, I could deal.
I've accepted that I can't control everything but does that mean that I've stopped taking chances? I'm on a quest of self discovery and I'm starting to get bored.
Since I control my thoughts, intentions and therefore, my own reality, I should be able to change this path pretty easily. Actually, not easily. Seems that the hardest person to control and discipline is myself. Letting go is much easier, but getting out of a slump takes discipline.
Tomorrow is a new day, full of adventurous possibilities.
Here we go.
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Hindsight
5/13/09
On the radio this morning, the leader singer of Counting Crows, Adam (something) was asked about breakups. He said that the hardest thing about breaking up is that you feel like you don't matter at all to the person you were with. As if you just don't exist anymore... and he said that break up or no breakup, all the people that he wrote songs about/for on his album know that they really matter to him.
So of course I started thinking about you. And how you probably think that you don't matter to me at all. And I know that sucks because I know exactly how that feels: it's how I felt when you dumped me for Christal last year. I wish I had seen that for what it was and had just taken the time to get over you instead of forcing something that wasn't meant to be.
I just couldn't live with that though... I felt like you and I hadn't had our run yet. I wasn't ready to give you up. So I FOUGHT FOR IT. That's exactly what I did. I fought through it for you and felt like I won. Of course, I know now that I didn't really, I was just standing there when things fell through with her.
So I know exactly how it feels to feel like you suddenly don't matter to someone that you did seemingly moments before. I really wanted to send this to you as soon as I heard that on the radio... I wanted to drive straight to the office and get on the computer and write to you. I've been feeling pretty vulnerable lately though, so I made myself wait and I'm glad I did. Because I still feel like I don't matter to you. You won't even acknowledge me and I know that everyone says it's because you're in so much pain, and I know that you generally don't think about anyone but yourself so I should be understanding.
And I've tried to be. It's been almost 2 months since we've talked. I think about your apology and I'm very glad for it. I'm glad you said you made wrong decisions. I'm glad you regret leaving me for her... if you do. That's what it sounded like anyway.
I think I'm getting to the point where I can remember the good things. When I take time to really think about our relationship and how shitty you were, the old anger comes back but generally, I remember funny things you did or said and good times we had together. I even recounted a funny story about you tonight on the phone to my sister. I guess that means I'm healing and I know that's good. I'm thankful to God for that. I still miss you though. Not enough to pick up the phone and call you... but I do miss you.
I'm doing well on my own. I have a lot of balls in the air right now and I have a feeling that things are going to start changing very fast but I've been through periods like this before and it's always for the better. Maybe this time next year I'll be in Augusta, in school. Maybe I'll get into UGA. That's a dream, but God can do anything. If that's where I'm supposed to be, it will happen.
I think that's all I had to get out this time... You do matter to me. Not more than anything. Not more than my family or God... so probably not as much as you used to want to, but your well-being matters to me very much. Enough that I've left you alone so you can get over this...and that's more than I've done for other people in the past.
Putting your needs before mine shows that you matter a lot to me... hopefully that's something you'll learn.
On the radio this morning, the leader singer of Counting Crows, Adam (something) was asked about breakups. He said that the hardest thing about breaking up is that you feel like you don't matter at all to the person you were with. As if you just don't exist anymore... and he said that break up or no breakup, all the people that he wrote songs about/for on his album know that they really matter to him.
So of course I started thinking about you. And how you probably think that you don't matter to me at all. And I know that sucks because I know exactly how that feels: it's how I felt when you dumped me for Christal last year. I wish I had seen that for what it was and had just taken the time to get over you instead of forcing something that wasn't meant to be.
I just couldn't live with that though... I felt like you and I hadn't had our run yet. I wasn't ready to give you up. So I FOUGHT FOR IT. That's exactly what I did. I fought through it for you and felt like I won. Of course, I know now that I didn't really, I was just standing there when things fell through with her.
So I know exactly how it feels to feel like you suddenly don't matter to someone that you did seemingly moments before. I really wanted to send this to you as soon as I heard that on the radio... I wanted to drive straight to the office and get on the computer and write to you. I've been feeling pretty vulnerable lately though, so I made myself wait and I'm glad I did. Because I still feel like I don't matter to you. You won't even acknowledge me and I know that everyone says it's because you're in so much pain, and I know that you generally don't think about anyone but yourself so I should be understanding.
And I've tried to be. It's been almost 2 months since we've talked. I think about your apology and I'm very glad for it. I'm glad you said you made wrong decisions. I'm glad you regret leaving me for her... if you do. That's what it sounded like anyway.
I think I'm getting to the point where I can remember the good things. When I take time to really think about our relationship and how shitty you were, the old anger comes back but generally, I remember funny things you did or said and good times we had together. I even recounted a funny story about you tonight on the phone to my sister. I guess that means I'm healing and I know that's good. I'm thankful to God for that. I still miss you though. Not enough to pick up the phone and call you... but I do miss you.
I'm doing well on my own. I have a lot of balls in the air right now and I have a feeling that things are going to start changing very fast but I've been through periods like this before and it's always for the better. Maybe this time next year I'll be in Augusta, in school. Maybe I'll get into UGA. That's a dream, but God can do anything. If that's where I'm supposed to be, it will happen.
I think that's all I had to get out this time... You do matter to me. Not more than anything. Not more than my family or God... so probably not as much as you used to want to, but your well-being matters to me very much. Enough that I've left you alone so you can get over this...and that's more than I've done for other people in the past.
Putting your needs before mine shows that you matter a lot to me... hopefully that's something you'll learn.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Race Day
Procrastination.
Why does it, in theory, feel so good but in reality it makes everything harder? I mean, I know the longer I put off what I should be doing the more anxious I will feel and the less I'll actually get done by the end of the day. But now that it's finally quiet in this cozy lunch place I'm in, I want to hang out just a little longer.
Because the loud, rude guys that took the seats immediately next to me are finally gone.
Because I'm indulging in a Coke Zero and I want another one before I leave.
Because I'm a stubborn first born child and I'M GROWN AND I DO WHAT I WANT.
I have a race this evening (well, IT is a race, but you won't actually see me racing) and I'm trying to find the best way to conserve energy for 6pm. I'm having my caffeine now, so I know I'll have to maintain that. I ate some avocados for lunch so that should be enough calories... I hope. All the other races I've ran have been at 8am, when everyone is still fresh in the morning. What kind of sadists schedule a race when everyone is exhausted at the end of the day? Oh, right, it's a corporate race thing. Got it.
The highlight of my day so far was the cute boy that was in here but I didnt' talk to him.
I should really build up some nerve.
I'll work on that!
Why does it, in theory, feel so good but in reality it makes everything harder? I mean, I know the longer I put off what I should be doing the more anxious I will feel and the less I'll actually get done by the end of the day. But now that it's finally quiet in this cozy lunch place I'm in, I want to hang out just a little longer.
Because the loud, rude guys that took the seats immediately next to me are finally gone.
Because I'm indulging in a Coke Zero and I want another one before I leave.
Because I'm a stubborn first born child and I'M GROWN AND I DO WHAT I WANT.
I have a race this evening (well, IT is a race, but you won't actually see me racing) and I'm trying to find the best way to conserve energy for 6pm. I'm having my caffeine now, so I know I'll have to maintain that. I ate some avocados for lunch so that should be enough calories... I hope. All the other races I've ran have been at 8am, when everyone is still fresh in the morning. What kind of sadists schedule a race when everyone is exhausted at the end of the day? Oh, right, it's a corporate race thing. Got it.
The highlight of my day so far was the cute boy that was in here but I didnt' talk to him.
I should really build up some nerve.
I'll work on that!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Stripes
So I'm watching Stripes with my roommate.
War movies were very different in the early 80s than they are now. They seem a lot slower but maybe that's because our attention spans have gotten that much shorter.
I'm thinking about Tropic Thunder when I'm thinking about comparisons. That movie is more about the movie industry than the army, so that's probably not fair.
I wouldn't say this movie is hiliarious... I'm watching it more so I can better understand my dad and one of my bosses at work.
I remember how awesome it was to finally watch Animal House and figure out that for most of my childhood, I had been grooving to the soundtrack and had no idea. I'm hoping I'm going to have a similar epiphany pretty soon... this movie is getting pretty long.
War movies were very different in the early 80s than they are now. They seem a lot slower but maybe that's because our attention spans have gotten that much shorter.
I'm thinking about Tropic Thunder when I'm thinking about comparisons. That movie is more about the movie industry than the army, so that's probably not fair.
I wouldn't say this movie is hiliarious... I'm watching it more so I can better understand my dad and one of my bosses at work.
I remember how awesome it was to finally watch Animal House and figure out that for most of my childhood, I had been grooving to the soundtrack and had no idea. I'm hoping I'm going to have a similar epiphany pretty soon... this movie is getting pretty long.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Observations
Pictures would really help on this blog. Management is aware of the problem and is taking steps to fix it. Thank you for your concern.
WalMart used to be really trashy, right? I used to think so.... now, have my standards sunk a lot or is WalMart really stepping up their act? If I could shop there when no one else was there, I think I'd really enjoy it. I'm wearing my $11 yoga pants I bought there yesterday and I really like them.
I'm just sayin.
I learned today to be thankful for the job I have. I don't always love it, but today I learned that nowhere else would I have the freedom and autonomy I'm allowed now. And I have to remember I don't plan on staying here forever. I got plans man. I'm gonna make it BIG someday!
I put my foot down and didn't go to the gym tonight. Instead I spent a long time catching up with an amazing co-worker, came home to compare hangovers with my roommate (last night was her birthday and we celebrated like ROCK STARS), made salmon and broccoli for dinner and am enjoying a beer (or 2) for dessert. Perfect.
I've just found that it's not always fun to be a slave to your schedule... even if the activities are fun things. Sometimes I just want to say NO.
So You Think You Can Dance is on. I really want to be a dancer. I'm pretty sure dancing is going to have to stay a hobby for me. I don't think I have the dedication to be a real dancer. I didn't go to bellydancing because I didn't WANT to tonight... and I'm pretty sure that's a hanging offense to a REAL dancer.
Woo hoo! Catching up 2 weeks into NaBloPoMo. I'm ON the ball! :)
WalMart used to be really trashy, right? I used to think so.... now, have my standards sunk a lot or is WalMart really stepping up their act? If I could shop there when no one else was there, I think I'd really enjoy it. I'm wearing my $11 yoga pants I bought there yesterday and I really like them.
I'm just sayin.
I learned today to be thankful for the job I have. I don't always love it, but today I learned that nowhere else would I have the freedom and autonomy I'm allowed now. And I have to remember I don't plan on staying here forever. I got plans man. I'm gonna make it BIG someday!
I put my foot down and didn't go to the gym tonight. Instead I spent a long time catching up with an amazing co-worker, came home to compare hangovers with my roommate (last night was her birthday and we celebrated like ROCK STARS), made salmon and broccoli for dinner and am enjoying a beer (or 2) for dessert. Perfect.
I've just found that it's not always fun to be a slave to your schedule... even if the activities are fun things. Sometimes I just want to say NO.
So You Think You Can Dance is on. I really want to be a dancer. I'm pretty sure dancing is going to have to stay a hobby for me. I don't think I have the dedication to be a real dancer. I didn't go to bellydancing because I didn't WANT to tonight... and I'm pretty sure that's a hanging offense to a REAL dancer.
Woo hoo! Catching up 2 weeks into NaBloPoMo. I'm ON the ball! :)
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