I'm only happy when it RAINS

Today is Hormone Day.

Or, maybe more accurately titled: Raging Hormones Cause Loss of Emotional Control Day.

Seriously. It's been building up all week and then this morning I drink a huge cup of coffee (with sugar, because apparently they don't have sugar-free pumpkin spice syrup... if it is a syrup at all. Coffee house mixers confuse me greatly. Is pumpkin spice the coffee or a flavoring? They don't TELL you this!) and everything falls apart. Or more accurately, everything BLOWS apart, since nothing is gentle in the wake of a major caffeine buzz. I had to pour myself a glass of wine just to calm down. I'm ELVIS. Uppers to stay up, downers to calm down... eventually I'll be deep frying peanut butter sandwiches with bananas and bacon and everyone knows how that ends.

So, to soothe the hormonal beast, I got myself some retail therapy. I spent way too much money at a bath and body store, buying pumpkin scented stuff for the house. It's not my fault: I blame my mom. She makes the best pumpkin pie I've ever had and she only makes it from Oct-Dec. Just the smell of pumpkin sends me into a nostalgic frenzy. I'm practically hyperventilating right now--the pumpkin candle I have lit smells so freakin good.

Maybe what I love so much about Fall is all the change... I love the changing leaves, I love it when they all fall off, I love it when the weather finally cools down so that I can wear jeans without looking like I fell into a grease pit face first. Of course, in the South, the actual weather does not abide by a calendar. It's the first week in October, and well, I guess it has cooled off: to only 80 degrees. At least it's down from the triple digits it's been loitering at all summer. And do I hear RAIN?? Holy crap, I'd forgotten what it sounds like.

Yeah, the drought problem? Much worse than anyone has anticipated. The rain I hear is a light shower that will probably last almost an hour and barely dampen the grass. The prognosis is not good at all and no one dares to speculate on what will happen if we don't get some real rain before the new year. I tell you what, I'm going to start stocking up on bottled water. I'll only take a shower every other day if I have to, to conserve water, but I'll be damned if I'm going to jump in and rush through one of my favorite rituals. I love showering. But I hate drying off and everything that comes after that. Weird, huh? Probably. It's just so tedious. But, I guess it's a trade off--looking this good takes a little work. ;)

So last night was about par for the course of my life right now.

I drank way too much, got in a huge fight with my s.o. (thankfully after we left the bar), drove home (with him machine-gun calling me to tell me that if I get arrested he's not bailing me out of jail--obvs I made it home alright... there are no computers in jail), ordered way too much pizza and passed the eff out on the couch.

I did not accomplish anything on my To Do List yesterday unless I had forgotten to put down "spend all the money you made working 12 hours yesterday."

I tell everyone that I'm taking some time off... I think what I really mean is that I'm taking time to be lazy and not think about my future at all. Am I still getting over being fired? Maybe. I found a book yesterday in a Used Bookstore called "Fat, Forty and Fired" and immediately bought it. I was so relieved to find it, I almost cried in the store. The cover says it's an advance reading copy and not for resale, so I'm not quite sure what to think of the content. I've read the intro and one page and I have high hopes. Surely this book will give me some direction. Ha. What I really need is a shove.

I'm also looking for a roommate. I'm going to post on Craigs List and in the paper... I really like my apartment and don't want to go through the hassle of breaking the lease but I also don't want to have another conversation like the one I'm about to have with the property manager about my very very late rent. I hate having roommates but if I get to pick this one, maybe it won't be so bad. Ha again. I guess we'll see.

Everyone asks me what am I doing... the real answer is I don't know. I feel like I tried the easy way--taking whatever opportunities fell into my lap--and it sucked. My dad is praying (literally) that I find a job in the field in which I worked for a degree. So far this blog is all the writing I've been motivated to do. Keeping with the relentlessly positive philosophy I've adopted, I'm encouraged. It's a start.

And now it's the end. There is more loafing to do before I have to wash my ass and head to work.

Here's to hoping Inspiration will beat me over the head on the way. :)

Lists! I love Lists!

Here's one:

What I've been doing lately (because who isn't just DYING to know??)

1. I'm working my ass off. Seriously. I love it. WAY better than my last job.

2. Thinking that I never want to find a "real" job again. I love this one--but I think I've mentioned that already.

3. Been planning on going to the store to buy Drano for my clogged bathtub but haven't remembered...

4. Been thinking that if I don't unclog said drain I'm going to have to soak the tub in bleach. For a week.

5. Thinking that maybe I should erase that last entry because it's kind of a gross mental image (well it is NOW!!)

6. Drinking way too much coffee. I really should have gone shopping after work instead of coming back here to stare at my computer and wish I could sleep...

7. I got a library card! I'm so excited. The public library is so much nicer than I expected it to be... and there are so many books to read! (it's been years since I was in a public library... even my the library at my university.)

8. Reconnecting with an old friend.

9. Exercising whenever I get the chance... and so is Sam.

10. Drinking "beer" that my brother and his girlfriend smuggled in to me from Iowa. Iowa is not really known for their beer--there's a reason. If you've tried it, you know what I mean.

11. Finally growing slightly tired... maybe enough to go to sleep.

12. Thinking that Steel Magnolias is a good movie to fall asleep to. ;)


I'm out.

It's Friday.

Friday night and I'm sitting at home with my computer, a good book and a bottle of wine.

Not too bad, eh?

What kills me is that while I really enjoy time by myself, when I look back, I kind of regret it. I don't have pictures of nights out to share with friends on Myspace or to frame and put on my desk. I don't have crazy stories to share tomorrow at work. What I do have (will have, tomorrow) is a good night's sleep and a well-prepared-for football game day.

God, I feel old.

There was a time when having fun with my friends was more important than getting a good night's sleep. Those crazy nights are the things I remember, right? Not how much sleep I got or that book that is really just light reading and not significant at all. Of course, all my friends were my age back then... and now they're all at least 4 years younger than me. That's my sister's age and she used to be the youngest person I knew. That's what I get for staying in a college town. (to quote "Dazed and Confused", "that's why I love high school girls... I keep getting older and they stay the same age." Of course, I don't love high school girls or college girls or any girls more than dear friends... but you know what I mean!)

The way I feel tonight reminds me of a night in my senior year of high school when my friend Sarah and I were looking for a party. We drove around for almost 2 HOURS looking for this damn thing and never did find it. We had a great time in the car though... we were dancing to Steve Miller Band and cracking up about random shit. We also made a pact that if anyone asked us why we weren't at the party, we would stick to the story that we had found a better one and spent all our time there. Neither of us wanted to admit that we spent the whole night driving around like losers... even though both of us had a blast.

So I guess if anyone asks what I did tonight, I could tell them the boring truth--that I took care of myself and had a quiet evening at home--or I could make some shit up about finding the craziest party and not making it out downtown. I think this is one of those situations where I have to be grateful for what I have, so I don't think I'll be making up stories to entertain listeners.

My worth is not decided by the people listening to my stories, real or fake. That's something I still have to learn... other people do not decide my worth. I do.

Geez, when did this post turn into Dr. Phil?

Relieved

After 3 months of anxiety and suspense, it's finally done.

No more court dates, hearings, anxiety about jail time or playing nice with the former bosses. Of course, my anxiety about possible jail time was completely unfounded... when things get tough, I get anxious--about everything.

I had my hearing yesterday. It didn't go the way I expected it to--that is, I didn't expect The Corporation to pull out the big guns for just little ol'me. I said everything I had to say and now all there is to do is try to forget about it. Either I win and they give me the money they owe me or nothing changes and I'm still broke as a joke.

I do feel like a weight is lifted now that I'm done with The Corporation. My self-esteem is increasing, I'm taking better care of myself (i.e. trying to lose this weight!), and I'm trying to decide what I really WANT to do. That's the upside.

The downside is that I can't shake the feeling that I'm back where I was 4 years ago. I ran screaming from the bar business and I'm right back in it. Starting at the bottom! Well, it has only been a couple of months and I guess if bartending is what I have to fall back on, I'm not doing too bad.

My s.o. just brought me a big bowl of chicken tortilla soup from McAlisters. It's delicious and hot and helping to clear my sinuses. Thank God for that... I haven't felt this sick in a long time.

Catchy Title

It's been a while since I've posted. Haven't felt like writing lately. Kinda ironic because I used to daydream about leaving The Corporation and all the writing I'd be able to do once I left. Well, here I am. Let the inspiration begin!

Since my last post, I've:

1. Finished the new Harry Potter. It was a great way to end the story. I'm so glad they made the books into movies--there's still something to look forward to! I finished it a lot faster than I thought I would. I was over 500 pages in after my first 5-hour reading marathon.

2. Had my hair cut and colored by the hysterical and gifted Shayne at City Salon.

3. Been working like a mad man. Too bad there's not more to show for it, but football is coming and then we'll all be rich! At least, that's the mantra that keeps getting repeated at The Bar.

4. Got back in contact with an old, well, we'll call her a friend. This "friend" and I had a pretty bad falling out in which she really hurt my feelings and not only has not apologized, but insists that she was in the right. Whatever. I guess it's not worth it. Or is it? Time will tell...

I guess that's about it. I need a project or something to work on, to keep me busy. I'm pretty much a vampire now--going to work from 10pm-5am and sleeping until about 2pm. Doesn't leave a lot of time in the day to get things done. I need wine storage and a coffee table...maybe the s.o. and I can work out something. He can build just about anything.

There's some chicken in the fridge calling to me...

Cheers.

I think I can I think I can

I was just thinking about the Little Engine That Could. About how he never gave up, even when success seemed impossible, the road was too long and he was exhausted.

It's funny to me how the morals of my childhood stories mean more to me now than they did when I was read them. Of course, I didn't know anything about life then. So maybe the stories do what they are supposed to.