I'M FREE!!
I was fired last week from the corporate job. I actually believe it's really the best thing that could have happened to me. I have no idea what's going to happen next or what I really want, but I'm very happy to have the opportunity to explore what I want to do. Well, I will as soon as unemployment starts to come in.
I'm going to have to manage my time though. I've discovered that if I turn on the TV, my whole day can get sucked down the drain and that is a terrible feeling. It's an awesome feeling though, to be able to set my own schedule and do what I want to do all day. I hope I don't become too lazy to do what I want to do. Doing absolutely nothing is great once in a while but it can become a little taxing. Weird, right? I start to feel a little worthless.
So here is a first draft of how I plan on spending my week:
5 hours/week working out (at least--3 of these are already planned)
5 hours/week searching online for a job (again, at least. An hour a day seems like a good start.)
AND 5 hours/week working on my writing. Finally.
Then there's the about 16 hours/week I'll spend working at the bar (still doing that part-time.)
And I think I'd like to pick up some volunteer work. I definitely have the time. :)
So we're up to about a full work week's worth of time.
We'll see how it goes. Hopefully what I will NOT do is plop my fat ass down on the couch and get stuck. I'll have to avoid the couch like it has herpes.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
"I am a Human BEING, not a Human DOING.
Don't equate your self-worth with how well you do things in life. You aren't what you DO. If you are what you do, then when you don't.... you aren't."
(from Inner Wisdom Cards by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer.)
I inherited those cards from my dad when he moved from Texas to Boston. He was going into the seminary and couldn't take most of his things. He allowed my siblings and me to take anything we wanted and I loved those cards. There are a bunch more in there that seem to speak to me, specifically. Of course, I know they weren't written just for me, and that actually helps me to feel connected to the rest of humanity. Apparently we all need to be reminded of that once in a while.
I have a headache today. I hate headaches. It's my fault. I drank too much wine last night... it seemed like a good idea at the time. And it was delicious wine, but it made me act a little crazy last night and feel a little bad today... and I can't be sure it was worth it.
And there are times when it's worth it. I've had mornings when I wake up wishing I could cut off my head, it hurt so bad, but the memory of the night before and all the fun I had actually helps to temper the hangover.
Thank God for Dr. Dyer and his Inner Wisdom, otherwise I might feel pretty bad about not accomplishing anything today.
Don't equate your self-worth with how well you do things in life. You aren't what you DO. If you are what you do, then when you don't.... you aren't."
(from Inner Wisdom Cards by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer.)
I inherited those cards from my dad when he moved from Texas to Boston. He was going into the seminary and couldn't take most of his things. He allowed my siblings and me to take anything we wanted and I loved those cards. There are a bunch more in there that seem to speak to me, specifically. Of course, I know they weren't written just for me, and that actually helps me to feel connected to the rest of humanity. Apparently we all need to be reminded of that once in a while.
I have a headache today. I hate headaches. It's my fault. I drank too much wine last night... it seemed like a good idea at the time. And it was delicious wine, but it made me act a little crazy last night and feel a little bad today... and I can't be sure it was worth it.
And there are times when it's worth it. I've had mornings when I wake up wishing I could cut off my head, it hurt so bad, but the memory of the night before and all the fun I had actually helps to temper the hangover.
Thank God for Dr. Dyer and his Inner Wisdom, otherwise I might feel pretty bad about not accomplishing anything today.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Going Visible
Gmail says I'm invisible.
And it challenges me to Go Visible.
So far I have not accepted the challenge...either from Gmail or Life. See, I want to be both Visible and Invisible. I want to be Invisible because then there are no expectations of me... if you can't see me, you can't be disappointed by me. It's better to be Invisible and not risk anything.
No. That's not it.
I want to be Visible. I want to be Alive and Excited, Motivated and Ambitious.
But I DON'T want to be Judged. I don't want people to dislike me. I want to satisfy everyone's expectations of me. I want to be able to be what everyone wants me to be. Who is Everyone? Good question.
Where did I get this idea that I have to be all things to all people in order to be successful? When did I decide that what I want for myself is not enough? My rational mind has told me to Eff the Haters, I'll Do What I Want, but when I'm challenged on that, I fold like a paper crane.
So far I think the problem lies with what I have chosen to do with my life. I have no defense when someone tells me I'm not doing the right thing because I actually agree with them. My only response is "If not this, then what? I don't know what I want to do." I've been very fortunate in my life so far to have been able to pick up pretty decent jobs whenever the opportunity presented itself. I have rarely fought for any of them; usually "fighting" meant saying what needed to be said in order to convince the person I was talking to that I wanted the job. I guess I've had a knack for that so far... and look where it's gotten me.
I realize that I'm coming to the point where I have to Choose. I have to choose what I want, I have to set my feet upon that path and start walking. I have to keep walking no matter what obstacles fall in my way.
I'm treading water right now and I think I have been for a while. It's time to put my head down and swim. Even if it's against the current.
And it challenges me to Go Visible.
So far I have not accepted the challenge...either from Gmail or Life. See, I want to be both Visible and Invisible. I want to be Invisible because then there are no expectations of me... if you can't see me, you can't be disappointed by me. It's better to be Invisible and not risk anything.
No. That's not it.
I want to be Visible. I want to be Alive and Excited, Motivated and Ambitious.
But I DON'T want to be Judged. I don't want people to dislike me. I want to satisfy everyone's expectations of me. I want to be able to be what everyone wants me to be. Who is Everyone? Good question.
Where did I get this idea that I have to be all things to all people in order to be successful? When did I decide that what I want for myself is not enough? My rational mind has told me to Eff the Haters, I'll Do What I Want, but when I'm challenged on that, I fold like a paper crane.
So far I think the problem lies with what I have chosen to do with my life. I have no defense when someone tells me I'm not doing the right thing because I actually agree with them. My only response is "If not this, then what? I don't know what I want to do." I've been very fortunate in my life so far to have been able to pick up pretty decent jobs whenever the opportunity presented itself. I have rarely fought for any of them; usually "fighting" meant saying what needed to be said in order to convince the person I was talking to that I wanted the job. I guess I've had a knack for that so far... and look where it's gotten me.
I realize that I'm coming to the point where I have to Choose. I have to choose what I want, I have to set my feet upon that path and start walking. I have to keep walking no matter what obstacles fall in my way.
I'm treading water right now and I think I have been for a while. It's time to put my head down and swim. Even if it's against the current.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
My One Year Project
(Inspired by Jenny)
I don't really have a birthday milestone coming up, well, except for 40 but thankfully it's far enough away that I don't have to think about THAT nightmare. Still, I'd like to create a list for myself to complete in one year. I will write about my experiences and cross off things as I complete them. In theory, it sounds like an ambitious and fun project. In practice, we'll see.
Most people who create these lists have the number correspond to the age they're reaching that year (30 Things To Do Before I'm 30, etc.) but since my age isn't important to me in that regard, I'll be reasonable and aim for one completed project (or at least begun) each month.
12 Things to Do Before August 2011:
FINANCES
1. Get my finances in order: dig out what I owe and exactly to whom and create a plan to pay off half, if not ALL of my debt.
PROFESSIONAL
2. Find a job that I LOVE to do. Try not to get bogged down by what I think I SHOULD be doing.
3. WRITE. Write more. Fearlessly send out stories for publication.
4. Stop procrastinating. Tomorrow.
HEALTH/FITNESS
5. Complete a triathlon in less than 2 hours. My first one was almost 2.5 hours. The next one in that series is also in June at Lake Lanier.
6. Practice meditation. Find Inner Peace. Yeah, it's a lofty one. And will probably take years to master but a year would be a good start.
TRAVEL
7. Make the trip to go see my family in Texas: Houston, Austin, San Antonio. Maybe Dallas if my Dad is there.
8. Go visit my friends in close states (Megan in D.C., Leanne in NC)
I'll have to get back with the last 4. I thought I'd be able to dash these out, but it turns out that I need to think about what I want to do. Telling? Probably.
And now I'm off to work on scratching procrastination off the list.
I don't really have a birthday milestone coming up, well, except for 40 but thankfully it's far enough away that I don't have to think about THAT nightmare. Still, I'd like to create a list for myself to complete in one year. I will write about my experiences and cross off things as I complete them. In theory, it sounds like an ambitious and fun project. In practice, we'll see.
Most people who create these lists have the number correspond to the age they're reaching that year (30 Things To Do Before I'm 30, etc.) but since my age isn't important to me in that regard, I'll be reasonable and aim for one completed project (or at least begun) each month.
12 Things to Do Before August 2011:
FINANCES
1. Get my finances in order: dig out what I owe and exactly to whom and create a plan to pay off half, if not ALL of my debt.
PROFESSIONAL
2. Find a job that I LOVE to do. Try not to get bogged down by what I think I SHOULD be doing.
3. WRITE. Write more. Fearlessly send out stories for publication.
4. Stop procrastinating. Tomorrow.
HEALTH/FITNESS
5. Complete a triathlon in less than 2 hours. My first one was almost 2.5 hours. The next one in that series is also in June at Lake Lanier.
6. Practice meditation. Find Inner Peace. Yeah, it's a lofty one. And will probably take years to master but a year would be a good start.
TRAVEL
7. Make the trip to go see my family in Texas: Houston, Austin, San Antonio. Maybe Dallas if my Dad is there.
8. Go visit my friends in close states (Megan in D.C., Leanne in NC)
I'll have to get back with the last 4. I thought I'd be able to dash these out, but it turns out that I need to think about what I want to do. Telling? Probably.
And now I'm off to work on scratching procrastination off the list.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Bad Aunt
I have a confession to make.
It's tearing me up inside and making me question who I am, how I was raised and whether I deserve to be locked up forever.
Ready? Here goes:
I'm at the Beach. And I want to go HOME.
Now.... I thought I would feel better but I don't.
I still just want to go home. It's not the Beach, it's not the sun, the breeze, the sand or the gorgeous weather we've been having. It's not the not-working, the sleeping whenever I want or the quality time with my sister and niece.
It might be that I miss my favorite boy A LOT. Actually, that's definitely a lot of it.
But I think it might mostly be the baby. Yikes, I know. I'm sorry baby!! But you cry ALL the TIME! I told my sister that 90% of the time, you are fussy and/or crying. She said that's not true, you sleep for about 8 hours a night.
So let me amend that: 90% of the time you are AWAKE, you are fussy and/or crying. And you are like an alarm system that I am terrified to trip... you go off for no reason and are LOUD.
I'm sorry that I'm complaining about a baby... but I don't have any children and I haven't been around a baby this small in a very long time. And the 3 smiles I get when she is awake and not fussy just don't make up for the other 90%.
God help me if I ever have children (which I fully intend to do at some point in my life... so God help me. In general.)
I'm going to be alone with her for 3 hours this afternoon, so I'm going to see if we can't find some common ground.
To quote my favorite boy in the world:
Why are you letting a baby pick on you? (at the time I was complaining about how my 11 yr old niece was picking on me... and the question is a valid one.)
Confession time is over. Time to begin Operation Bond With Baby.
Over and out.
It's tearing me up inside and making me question who I am, how I was raised and whether I deserve to be locked up forever.
Ready? Here goes:
I'm at the Beach. And I want to go HOME.
Now.... I thought I would feel better but I don't.
I still just want to go home. It's not the Beach, it's not the sun, the breeze, the sand or the gorgeous weather we've been having. It's not the not-working, the sleeping whenever I want or the quality time with my sister and niece.
It might be that I miss my favorite boy A LOT. Actually, that's definitely a lot of it.
But I think it might mostly be the baby. Yikes, I know. I'm sorry baby!! But you cry ALL the TIME! I told my sister that 90% of the time, you are fussy and/or crying. She said that's not true, you sleep for about 8 hours a night.
So let me amend that: 90% of the time you are AWAKE, you are fussy and/or crying. And you are like an alarm system that I am terrified to trip... you go off for no reason and are LOUD.
I'm sorry that I'm complaining about a baby... but I don't have any children and I haven't been around a baby this small in a very long time. And the 3 smiles I get when she is awake and not fussy just don't make up for the other 90%.
God help me if I ever have children (which I fully intend to do at some point in my life... so God help me. In general.)
I'm going to be alone with her for 3 hours this afternoon, so I'm going to see if we can't find some common ground.
To quote my favorite boy in the world:
Why are you letting a baby pick on you? (at the time I was complaining about how my 11 yr old niece was picking on me... and the question is a valid one.)
Confession time is over. Time to begin Operation Bond With Baby.
Over and out.
Monday, July 19, 2010
At the Beach
I am living a charmed life.
I'm sitting here on a balcony overlooking the ocean 20 yards away. The water is gorgeous... striated shades of blue, becoming lighter as it nears the shore.
The weather is perfect--breezy and warm, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, palm trees are swaying and there is minimal traffic on the local road this morning.
Still....there is a part of me that wants to go home. I haven't missed anyone in a long time. It's a constant, dull ache. But I even recognize that as a blessing. I haven't missed anyone in a long time because I haven't cared about someone this much in a very long time...
I take him everywhere with me:
He was there the first night on the beach when we were surprised by the single beautifully explosive firework.
He was there yesterday at the beach when my niece and I were covered in seaweed.
He's here this morning as I sit on the balcony watching the boats on the ocean.
He's with me every night when I go to bed, and pray that God will keep him safe.
I try to let him go when the baby starts crying though... no one should be subjected to that.
I'm sitting here on a balcony overlooking the ocean 20 yards away. The water is gorgeous... striated shades of blue, becoming lighter as it nears the shore.
The weather is perfect--breezy and warm, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, palm trees are swaying and there is minimal traffic on the local road this morning.
Still....there is a part of me that wants to go home. I haven't missed anyone in a long time. It's a constant, dull ache. But I even recognize that as a blessing. I haven't missed anyone in a long time because I haven't cared about someone this much in a very long time...
I take him everywhere with me:
He was there the first night on the beach when we were surprised by the single beautifully explosive firework.
He was there yesterday at the beach when my niece and I were covered in seaweed.
He's here this morning as I sit on the balcony watching the boats on the ocean.
He's with me every night when I go to bed, and pray that God will keep him safe.
I try to let him go when the baby starts crying though... no one should be subjected to that.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Overplayed
1. Scarves with tank tops: Dude. It's summer. I don't care if it makes your outfit. Wear a necklace.
2. Boy Bands: Please learn to play an instrument. That is all.
3. That song by Train: I can't even write it because just the words will get it stuck in my head and then I'll have to stick an icepick in my ear.
4. Celebrity Sex Tapes: Yeah, it's called Porn.
5. Vampires: Okay, I actually like vampire movies but even I am getting sick of having a vampire on every corner. This trend may never die... just like the vampires! Oooooooh....
6. Reality shows: What is with our fascination with watching people lead their semi-normal lives? Please make them go away so I can stop killing brain cells by watching them.
7. Excessive tanning: Gym, Tan, Laundry? Guys, when your skin gets that tough, it's called hide.
8. Articles about bartending in a town full of bars: Because clearly, that's exactly what you want to read about after spending the entire night in a bar and hating yourself in the morning as you do the Walk of Shame through downtown to your car. Reading about how stupid the bartenders think you are is exactly what's going to get you through waiting for the assholes to come take the immobilizer off of your back tire while you're wiping mascara off your cheeks and sweating on a curb in your mini dress and 5 inch heels at 11am on a Sunday morning.
2. Boy Bands: Please learn to play an instrument. That is all.
3. That song by Train: I can't even write it because just the words will get it stuck in my head and then I'll have to stick an icepick in my ear.
4. Celebrity Sex Tapes: Yeah, it's called Porn.
5. Vampires: Okay, I actually like vampire movies but even I am getting sick of having a vampire on every corner. This trend may never die... just like the vampires! Oooooooh....
6. Reality shows: What is with our fascination with watching people lead their semi-normal lives? Please make them go away so I can stop killing brain cells by watching them.
7. Excessive tanning: Gym, Tan, Laundry? Guys, when your skin gets that tough, it's called hide.
8. Articles about bartending in a town full of bars: Because clearly, that's exactly what you want to read about after spending the entire night in a bar and hating yourself in the morning as you do the Walk of Shame through downtown to your car. Reading about how stupid the bartenders think you are is exactly what's going to get you through waiting for the assholes to come take the immobilizer off of your back tire while you're wiping mascara off your cheeks and sweating on a curb in your mini dress and 5 inch heels at 11am on a Sunday morning.
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