The Procrastination Station

Christmas is over... didn't it go so fast? I think the earth actually spins faster sometimes, because I'm not the only person that thinks our Christmas season has sped by. It's probably just the pace we're all living at now... waaaaay too fast. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. I'll be spending it at a "cocktail party" where supposedly we're all supposed to dress up, but I'm not really feelin that. I'm never comfortable when I'm all tucked, pulled and made up. I act all weird... like I'm supposed to be more elegant and eloquent when I look like that... and that, of course, makes me seem the opposite. So, I may just crash the party in my jeans and flip flops. M doesn't want to dress up either, but that's because he's gained some weight and may not have clothes that fit him. He's been acting like a girl, complaining about how fat he is, but still polishing off a gallon of ice cream and a pizza in a night. Stupid. I'm dragging him to the gym with me when I start going again (I'm not getting in to that.)

So. Any resolutions? I'm not sure I have any. My manager wants us to turn in Goals for the new year at work. What the hell should I write? It's not exactly a job that has a lot of growth potential... Not with all the people that tell us what we can and can't do. I guess I'll just make something up. I got through school that way, and I seem to have done alright. Maybe that's what my teachers meant when they called me creative. :)

My resolutions... I'll have to think about this. Probably to stop procrastinating, but I have until Sunday to get them down.

I'm quitting my job and becoming a slut in Las Vegas. Not even a paid professional, although my experience will increase over time until I might be called a pro by some. I never want to get married, I never want to have kids, I never want any of the stuff I once thought I wanted. If I really believed this, it might make my life easier.

See, I do want to get married, I do want to have kids and my boyfriend knows it. And now he wants to use this information to help him get a better rate on his car insurance. I'm sure that's not what he thought when he agreed to go with his friend's plan (that sells all kinds of insurance and wants to help my S.O. because he was recently fired and lost his company truck.) But that's what I thought of when said friend started explaining that if I would pretend I was married on my new policy, I and my "husband" would get better rates. I already have car insurance. I don't need to change, thank you very much. And especially not at the expense of something that I hold very dear and my S.O. doesn't think very much of.

Okay, so I might be a little drunk and I might be a little irritable since I'm getting sick and it seems that every girl at our tailgate is hotter than me, no matter what I do, but that's besides the point. My S.O. should have talked to me about this alone, not let his friend bring it up. That might have made it better...

I'm sure I'll regret this post when I sober up. I always do. And probably erase it. But, we'll see.

I'm out, bitches.

20 Reasons why I love my Boyfriend (M); A Year and a Half Tribute Post:

1. He's such a teddy bear even when he's grumpy.
2. He'll eat anything I cook and compliment me even if it's overdone or tastes like ass.
3. He buys me a super-soft blanket (when I already have 5) just because he knows I love it.
4. He can fix anything, anytime, anywhere (and I'm not even exaggerating... he's amazing with his hands.)
5. He complements me perfectly--he's a Math guy, I'm an English girl... he can figure out stuff that makes me feel like a complete idiot.
6. He makes me feel like I can accomplish anything I want with just a decision.
7. He can't keep his hands off of me.
8. He makes me feel like the most gorgeous woman in the world--no matter where we are or what we're doing...whether we're in Home Depot or a bar downtown.
9. He tells me he loves me every time he thinks it.
10. He has had friends for 30 years that he still talks to on a daily basis.
11. He has inpeccable manners.
12. He has an incredibly dirty mind.
13. He loves that I get all his dirty jokes--and he loves my equally dirty mind.
14. He motivates me.
15. He supports every decision I make.
16. He helps me see the truth of things.
17. He's the only guy in the room that doesn't drool over the new hot blonde girl in our circle of friends.
18. I never see him checking out other women.
19. He tells me how beautiful he thinks I am every time he sees me.
20. I'm never afraid to totally be myself around him.

It's getting so old...

The honeymoon's over. I've been at this job for almost a year now, and I'm officially sick of it. I just don't give a damn anymore about doing a good job, and am thinking that what I get paid to do (obvs not enough--I wouldn't be complaining if it were!) is such a load of bullshit that in about a year, my company will discover they don't need my department anymore. The sales people can do exactly what they've been doing--nothing--and no sales will be lost. Ain't nuthin gonna stop these muthas from gittin theys liquor!

So I'm putting my resume in with a pharmaceutical company. Supposedly there's someone who may be retiring (I know, way to hang in there for the sure thing, right?) and I'm getting pretty excited about trying for this job. It's $$$. My super boyfriend thinks that I'm so pretty, I'll be a shoo-in, but of course he would. I guess I should get my ass in gear and start working on that resume... I'd be willing to jump through some hoops for more than twice what they pay me now, plus bonuses and a company car. I'm such a whore. :)

Oh, and M's getting me a puppy for Christmas! I'm not supposed to talk about it to him anymore since that's all I've been doing, but I'm a research person! I look shit up! And I obsess about it... but what the hell. Shit's gotta git done right!

And, I'm audi.

Why I'll never win the lottery (besides the fact that I forget to play)

I just checked my bank account balance and I have 25 cents in it. That's it. That's what I have to live off of for the next 7 days. No money for food, gas, clothes... nada. How am I going to live? What am I going to wear? I have to go to work and I don't have any gas in my car... How am I going to get gas?? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??? I ran to my bed and barricaded myself from the bad news under my pillows and blankets. But... there is a full gas can in the garage and... I don't want to buy new clothes until I've lost some more weight and... I have a brother, a roommate and a boyfriend who love me and would take care of me if I needed it... and I get paid again next Thursday.

So the moral is, things are never as bad as they first seem. Weird, but being broke inspires me to clean up... when I have money, I get very lazy, and it's only when I'm broke that I really appreciate the things I have. That's why I could never win the lottery. That shit would kill me.

No, I really am jealous, superficial and wannabe-fake.

So I was checking out Casey Reinhardt's MySpace profile (get the link at pinkisthenewblog.com--the best and most addictive website in existence!) and is it wrong that I wish I was her?

She's gorgeous, rich, and could probably have whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. I sat there reading her (slightly less than intelligent) blurbs about herself, feeling myself get toadier by the second when it occured to me, she's got fake tits. And fake hair. And probably caps on her teeth. BUT, who really cares? What she's done is the same as taking a great car and suping it up until it's the hottest thing on the road. Other people drive the same great car, they just don't have either the time, money or desire to make it the hottest, fastest thing anyone has ever seen. They have to get to work on time or get their kids to school and they can't worry about all that extra shit.

So I pulled myself out of toad-dom and felt better. I know I'm a pretty girl, I just don't have time for all that crap. And that brings me to the conclusion that Casey is not better than me! (or you!) Hey, that even means that all those bitches on Laguna Beach are not better than me. (or you, again!!) On that note: It's really funny to me that the bitches of the show are now claiming that they're not really that bitchy, that MTV edited the footage to create a "character" of them. Riiiiiiiiiight. You're just a bitch. Deal with it. (you can check out all the Laguna bitches on pinkisthe newblog.com. I told you it's addictive.)

Okay, so now I have to drag my ass to the gym, to try to work off probably 3 years of fat I've been diligently putting on and storing in my gut. Wish me luck.

I'm out, bitches.

Right Now I Am....

1. Drinking beer
2. Blogging
3. Listening to my boyfriend and his friends play a heads-up Texas Hold-Em poker tournament.
4. Remembering how when I was a child in Texas, and my parents put us to bed so that they could hang out with their friends unbothered by kiddies, I used to stay awake listening to my parents and their friends laughing and felt so safe, content, and secure.
5. Missing that feeling.
6. Thinking that maybe I'm becoming a little too anal. I'm kinda high-strung, although I hate to think of myself that way, and managing brings out my analness.
7. Wondering why I put up with all this bullshit when what I really want to be doing is hiking the Appalachian trail for 6 months, alone.
8. Thinking that #7 is probably a lie. I'm a Gemini, I have no idea what I want.
9. Wondering what I'm going to do with my life since writing seems to be only a therapeutic activity and probably not one that will become my bread'n'butter, as I once believed.
10. Thinking that the 1.5 hours I spent at the gym this morning have been completely negated by the cheese dip I just ate. (I made it, it was so good.)
11. Damn, I'm proud of myself for the 1.5 hours I spent at the gym this morning. Body Pump followed by 45 mins of interval training on the eliptical machine. I'm gonna be HOT.

And with that, I'm out.

Chop! Chop! Back to Work!

I watched Closer last night.

Old people always say, Time Flies. Well, I think they're right. I'm not sure if this is because I'm getting older, but last week at this time, I thought today would never come. And here it is. And it's almost like this past weekend never even happened. Not that today is special or anything, but I had a very busy weekend that I had been preparing for for at least 3 months, and I thought it would never end. But it did. No fireworks, no apocalypse, just... The End.

Another weekend is coming... in Athens, GA, time is measured by UGA football games. In the week between each one there is a ton of stuff to be done. This is true for me in a couple of ways; 1. I have to clean the house and get it ready for company, which is a never-ending task. 2. I have promotions each weekend that have to be prepared for, which often takes a week (small tasks spread over many days.)

And before I know it, Christmas is here, then New Years, then Easter... it just never stops (of course, I'm grateful for that, because otherwise I'd be D-E-D dead.)

I don't plan on getting married anytime soon, but I do want to have children. And since time is flying so quickly, should I be thinking about that now? I'm such a child still... I can barely take care of myself. When my mother was my age, she had 2 kids and would be having a third in less than 2 years. Were people more grownup then, or did they just take on too much too fast, which would explain why every parental unit of my childhood friends is dissolved (including my own.) But if we're waiting for ourselves to be ready to take on these challenges and not regret them, will we wait too long?

It's becoming more and more impossible to take a break in life... more stores are open 24 hrs, people are getting up earlier and working later to get more done, only to get up the next day and start again. Are we setting this breakneck pace because we're afraid Time will catch up to us? And isn't it odd that the faster we move, the faster time flies.

And why is it that when I wake up in the morning, my hands smell weird? What do I touch when I'm sleeping?

To Whom it May Concern,

Taking one minute out of your online poker game to talk to your girlfriend that you only see 2 days a week and haven't really talked to all day long (when you used to call her at least 10 times a day) is NOT too much to ask, even if you do lose your seat at the table. IT'S ONLINE POKER. A new game would start by the time you finished asking me how my day went (which you didn't by the way.) That fucking sucks.

Reasons why I hate Wachovia

1. They hire the dumbest people with the most condescending voices to answer the customer service line and repeat the same sentence over and over using slightly different words by way of explanation.
2. These retardly stupid people can't answer a question unless they have their script in front of them--does it bother anyone else that this drooling idiot has control of and actual access to my money?
3. The on-hold music is awful... not just awful, but self-mutilation-inducing-awful, as I'd enjoy carving musical notes into my upper thigh more than listening to that fucking saxophone for 3 minutes.
4. The customer service people are quite possibly the LEAST helpful people I have ever spoken to or tried to get an answer from.
5. Wachovia must have inserted phrases like "you know" into their script to make their speech sound more spontaneous and less like a 2nd grader reading. It doesn't work. The "you knows" sound completely planted, which makes me think those script writers are morons too (which wouldn't be surprising in the least) or the Customer Service Representative really IS retarded, in which case I would applaud their dedication to helping disabled people. Just don't let the retard near my money, fucker.
6. They're shady. Banks are shady. Supposedly they've given us ways to track what they're doing--online banking, for example. But when I checked my bank balance at MIDNIGHT, what I saw was totally different than what greeted me at 9 this morning. I asked why but my ears started bleeding when I got a repeated Not-an-answer and I couldn't listen anymore.

That's it. I'm taking my money out of the bank, stashing it under my mattress and faking my own death so the IRS won't get me. I see no other way to exist without having to deal with a bank. (However, I did finally open a Savings Account, so that might cut down on my having to deal with Customer No-Service. The Fuckers.)

Sweet Little Monkeys

Our Promo Team!!

Here we are... aren't we cute? This was from our dinner with the Big Bosses. They took us out to make us like them so we'd stop asking them for stuff that they promised us months ago... no, I'm sure their intentions were pure... but the whole experience was a little like watching monkeys in the zoo. Except we were the monkeys. Dinner was great... we went to this fantastic restaurant in Atlanta called Rathbuns. It's in the middle of nowhere--thank God Google gives perfect directions. Anyway... back to work.

Out of Control Voyuerism

I'm late again. And about to be even later after I'm done writing this. Want to know why I'm late?

Celebrity gossip. Really. How stupid is that? Why do I care that Britney has chopped off all her hair and looks really awful or that Anna Nicole Smith lost her shit at Myrtle Beach (that was really freaking funny.) I'm addicted... I envy these people and I love to make fun of them. I used to feel that they should be left alone... they're just doing their job and how would I like it if every time I stepped out of the house there were photographers in my face?

And you know what? It's NOT me! It's never going to be me--I am never going to be a celebrity or have as much money as these people have. Sooooooo, GO GETTUM!! Tell me everything stupid or embarrassing they do so I won't envy them anymore... Make me glad that I don't have to "make sure I wear cute sweats to Starbucks" (as Crazy Katie Holmes has said.) I like that I can wander around in jeans that haven't been washed in a week with my greasy hair and no makeup and not worry that someone is going to wonder if I've turned into a crackwhore.

You know what else? The celebrity-voyeur craze has gotten so out of control that even minor Has-beens are cashing in. Anyone seen an episode of Being Bobby Brown? I hope neither he nor Whitney ever works again after allowing themselves to be taped behaving like that. I want to look away or turn the channel but I can't... I want to see what they're going to do next. And I guess that's the draw to these shows. What will they do to fuck up next? WATCH AND SEE!! (and be glad it isn't you!)

Stubby Chubby

Dude!

I have allowed myself to become so FAT!! My clothes still fit, but there is girth and bulge where there used to be none. I blame bf. He always buys the BEST ice cream!! And what can I do but eat it? I never buy junk for myself, but if it's around, it's going in my mouth. Repeatedly.

RESTRAINT, RESTRAINT, RESTRAINT. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. I joined a gym last week and have been... oh, it's been.... once, now. I keep meaning to go but something seems to come up. Funny how that happens. I wish I had a potion like on that movie with Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep where they live forever but don't take good care of themselves and start falling apart--literally (it's icky)... okay, maybe that's a bad idea (and not such a great movie either.)

Well, wish me luck. I'm going to try to avoid eating this delicious chocolate cake my roommate made to take to her friend's house and now WILL NOT. She KNOWS about my junk food addiction but REFUSES to help. What an ENABLER. Damn.

FOOTBALL ROCKS!!!

So I went to get a credit card today. I want it for work--I have an expense account but I rarely have money to spend for it. A credit card with a limit the exact amount of my expense account would be perfect, right?

I have yet to find out if I was approved. There are some questionable, uh, let's say... instances, in my past that may land me on the disapproval list.

Okay. Let's be honest. There are more than a few instances that would make them want to kick me out of the building laughing the whole way. And with each question the bank guy asked, I got more anxious. I tore my nails to pieces while I was sitting there... I hope the guy didn't notice. I almost started laughing imagining this nice professional guy get so upset that someone like me would dare to ask him for a line of credit that he'd pick up his computer, shirt splitting the the Hulk, throw it out the window while roaring GET OUT (like Ahnold) !!!!

But of course... it was all in my head. Real life is never as dramatic or spontaneous as I imagine it.

I just finished watching Any Given Sunday and I might just watch it again. I love football movies! I can't wait for football season to start. I was never a huge football fan but I love all the drama and superstition that diehard fans get wrapped up in--especially my bf. He and his friends are so superstitious, they'll wear the same clothes without washing them, insist on sitting in the same place and one friend of bf's had to squeeze my shoulder every time we had the ball. He insisted I was his good luck charm. It was kind of cute but it kind of hurt--he was pretty drunk and it was an intense game. Anyway. I love that stuff.

What's that? There's beer in the fridge? I'm there.

Alright. I'm out.

Party like a Rock Star

Happy Fourth of July!

I hope everyone is recovering nicely. I did my partying Sat night so I was able to enjoy all the sparkly explosiveness without fear (of losing a limb--we set our own fireworks off--more on that later.) I think it's a good idea at an outdoor party at 4 o'clock in the afternoon on the 2nd of July to serve water outside along with beer. I was outside, beer was outside, water was far away, inside. So what did I drink as if it were water? You guessed it.

Water would not have turned me into the raging retard that the beer did. My bf is so wonderful--when he saw how extremely drunk I was getting, he stopped drinking so he could drive me home (about 20 mins away.) I fell up some stairs, I smoked some weed, I made business deals to promote my friend's salon in return for free haircuts, I woke up with black and green bruises all over my legs (stairs?) and had the most horrific hangover at 4am. It was an awesome party. My ex was there and although I was worried that that would turn into an ugly scene (which I always worry about when he is around--he is very hard to handle when he's drunk) we managed to stay away from each other ( I think) and a good time was had by all.

This morning I'm racing around trying to get ready for my meeting... back to work! Chop Chop!

Activities since my last blog entry:

1. Preparing for Gay Pride promos in Atlanta (which are finally over!!)
1.5. Feeling relieved that Gay Pride promos went so much better than I thought they would.
2. Getting over this cough I've had for 3 weeks.
3. Not freaking out that my throat is still swollen after 3 weeks.
4. Self tanning like it's my job.
5. Drinking way too much Diet A&W rootbeer.
5.5 Not drinking anything with alcohol.
6. Spending tons of time with my boyfriend before he has to go back to work.
7. Watching movies on HBO (or skinemax or whatever other movie channel has anything decent on.)
8. Eating PB&J for practically every meal.
9. Stressing about the cost of gas.
10. Thinking that I don't have anything to say that's interesting so why bother blogging? (proof?)
11. Planning how I'm going to add to my wardrobe as soon as I get paid again because I'll have most of my major debts paid off!! (yea!)
12. Making myself thinner with the power of my mind.
13. Downing TrimSpa like it's candy.
14. Teaching Sam (my bf's dog) to catch a ball in the air.
15. Being trained by Sam to throw the ball when he places it in my lap.
16. Getting my skin clear after neglecting it at night.
17. Thinking about plans for my bf's birthday in September.
18. Planning a party to reward the girls that work for me.
19. Trying to remember to get in touch with old friends.
20. Downloading different ringtones for each person programmed into my phone.
21. Listening for the new ringtones so I'll actually answer the phone when it rings.
22. Coming up with new promo ideas.
23. Being satisfied that my ideas are listened to and enjoying my climb up the ladder.
24. Helping to clean my bf's house.
25. Sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.
26. Embracing my inner retard, as suggested by nutmeggy.
27. Discovering possible answers to my parents' divorce.
28. Looking forward to seeing my sister and celebrating my birthday (a month late.)
29. Enjoying being lazy.
30. Finishing the Hemmingway novel I've been drifting through.

A stripper grabbed my boobs!!

We did end up at the titty bar last night!!

It was the most fun I'd ever had at a strip club with my boyfriend. It was also the first time I sat at the stage and definitely the first time a stripper has grabbed my breasts.

We all got ridiculously drunk and I knew it was time to leave when my friend wanted to hook up with the stripper that grabbed me (which I didn't hate, by the way.)

Now my boyfriend is sleeping on the couch and has been all day, after begging me to kill him when he woke up this morning. I'm trying to get motivated to do some work but so far all I've done is log in more than a few movie hours. Right now it's "Tequila Sunrise" and it's really good.

I am Exercising!!!

I'm about to go run/walking for the 2nd day in a row!! Yesterday I had boundless energy but today I'm going to be dragging a bit more... could be the fries, queso and 2 beers that I had with dinner, but I'm not going to let that stop me!! I am a running machine!!

Then I'm going back to the bar to pick up my drunkass boyfriend whom I left there in the company of his equally drunkass friend. Now that's going to be funny. Here's to hoping they don't get WAY too drunk and get tired of waiting for me, decide they're able to drive and end up at the titty bar downtown. Not because I'm against titty bars, which I'm not, but they won't let a girl in without a male escort (to cut down on the jealous/insane wives/girlfriends, you understand) and it will probably cost me money to see girls dance around in pasties and Gstrings. I can see that on Skinemax for free at home.

My boyfriend is so funny... we have so much fun together. It's weird to meet someone that has so much the same mind as me, who really understands me. Enough mush. I should enjoy it while I can because when I go pick him up, he'll do nothing but irritate me. He's really good at it.

Off I go to get my run on!!

Sometimes when someone tells me a story, it gets stuck in my head forever.

Especially if I'm in a situation that's similar to the story I heard.

So about 7 years ago, I was working at Chilis in Augusta and we had this restaurant manager that liked to fraternize with the servers. A LOT. Apparently he felt comfortable telling us anything because this is what I remember him saying:

"Girls can get pregnant at any time--even on her cycle. That's how [insert name of girlfriend turned wife] got pregnant. "

Now, I believed it when I heard it, but in reality, there are only 24 hours out of the month for a normal girl to get pregnant. And for her to get pregnant on her cycle, they must have done it when she first started. And for me, the beginning of my cycle is a time of hiding underneath huge clothes, sleeping with heating pads and whining. It's also the heaviest time of the month. It's just gross.

This is why that story disturbs me: Every time after I have sex, I try to remember when I took my birth control pill and I think of that story. And every time I think of that story, I picture that manager's face telling us how he had sex with his wife during the heaviest part of her cycle which is just disgusting enough, but why would you tell people that? (Even if he didn't put it like that, people who know will know, if you know what I mean.) And then think about the one time I had sex during my cycle (it was ONLY one time and it was so disturbing that I'll never do it again.)

And this story was told to me 7 years ago. Apparently I will remember anything if told in the right context.

Closet (Shower?) American Idol

Man, I can give some concert in the shower.

Just now I was singing away, hoping that my boyfriend would come home unexpectedly, hear me belting it out and stop in wonderment to listen. "Who is this girl?" he'll wonder. He'll tell me how awesome I sound, I'll start singing karaoke at bars until I have groupies and then I'll get signed by a record label and become a country superstar...

Right. That's what I'm fantasizing about while I'm dancing around the shower singing into an empty shampoo bottle.

Then I get out and the only audience member is Sam, an adorable 7 month old yellow lab that's been following me around all day pouting because I'm being lazy and he wants to play.

He appreciates my singing. He loves it. Really.

And now an Uncontrolled Outburst

I'd like to take this time to mention how much I hate BANKS.

And I hate the people that answer the phone when you call the bank's 1 800 number.

Especially the woman that I spoke with this morning when I called to try to wheedle myself out of a $30 service charge that occured when I overdrew my account by $0.28.

Did I mention it was 28 CENTS?? This woman was hideous. I know they can remove the charges, they've done it before, and when I asked if why they couldn't remove the charge she said "because it's not a BANK ERROR. Can I help you with anything else?" Then she said goodbye and hung up.

Let me explain. I'm not freaking out because I screwed up. I screw up all the time and am more than willing to suffer the consequences. But the reason why I overdrew my account was beyond my control. I had to get gas. I had my tons of bills to pay last pay period and I had it down to the penny. Then I got lost in Atlanta and used an entire tank of gas getting out and getting home. I was beyond empty, I got the gas on credit from my debit account (not realizing they would hold the $1 that would send me over the edge) and prayed that the check I'd mailed 2 weeks ago would somehow wait just 12 more hours to go through. I have a direct deposit going in tonight at midnight. I thought banks kept track of that somehow... if it was a smaller bank, they would know me and know that the money will be there because it's always there and would sympathize with the fact that if I had not gotten gas to be able to get to work, there would be no more deposits, no more withdrawals, no more overdraft fees to keep their fucking pockets padded!!

This hideous woman, I wish I had gotten her name, just kept repeating that the money should have been there. I hope she never makes a mistake in her lifetime because if she does, I hope that no one gives her a break and she gets screwed from every angle. I hate people like that.

I do realize that this is my fault, at least that I could have overdraft protection or deposited $1 to cover the missing dollar but who wants to go into the bank and deposit just ONE DOLLAR? So now my gas has cost me $55. What's kind of funny about that is that there are people who actually pay that much on a regular basis.

I'm going to call the bank again tomorrow. If I get any shit from anyone, I'm going to ask to speak to the manager and tell them that their new merger makes their customer service SUCK and that although they wouldn't notice at all, if they are unwilling to help me, I'm going to pull every cent out of my account and tell anyone that would listen to never ever set foot in there again because they don't know how to treat people.

(now, let's just think about this for a minute.)

Yeah, they might just have to shut their doors if I do all that. Hell, the national bank would probably go under if I pulled all my money out. And if I spread the word that they suck, man, no telling how many people would pull their savings out. It would be the Great Depression all over again.

All kidding aside, what really does suck is that banks are so far removed from the people they're supposed to serve that when it comes to choosing a bank, one must choose not on the basis of what one wants, but what one doesn't want. The lesser of the evils.

Now, that just ain't right. I really wish I had gotten that hideous woman's name. I was so mad I almost broke my phone to try to hurt her. I'm so rational and logical, it's a wonder that the world doesn't revolve around me....

My controlled outburst

Have you ever sat and stared at someone while they explained in great and tedious detail something to you that you already knew?

Do you let them think you're a dumbass or do you quickly correct them and hope to God that they move on to something else?

I have a serious problem with authority. Not in a cool rebel way either. Mine is more passive-aggressive. I'll let them sit there, explain how to take care of something that I've already taken care of and then thank them for their advice. I figure my day will come.

Then I bitch to my poor boyfriend the entire way home about what assholes they are. I don't have a problem taking advice/instruction from someone that knows more than I do--it's the assholes that have sat through the entire instruction with me but, because I asked them a question about it, figure I must be confused and explain the entire thing again (verbatim) without answering my question that piss me off more than I can express without yelling and throwing things.

But I just thank them and research the answer myself. If they're too stupid to realize what was being asked, they deserve to stew in their self-congratulatory juices until the illusion of their superiority falls off the bone of their incompetant short-sightedness, with which I will pick my teeth. (ewww... hungry?)

My BF says get used to it... as long as you work for someone else, there will be somone to tell you what to do and to just tell them to kiss your big white ass.

Sounds good to me.

I had an awful premonition.

I knew it was coming, I mean, I remember when it happened to my mom. I just wasn't prepared for what it would really be like.

Then it happened: My hairdryer tried to kill me.

I was just drying my hair, alternately flipping my head over to get some volume and my dryer kept going off. When I raised it back up, it would come back on. So I tried it a few more times to make sure it wasn't just me... Raise it up--power. Lower--no power.

Raised-ON, lower-OFF, onoffonoffonoffonoffonoff... then...

SPARKS, FLAMES, EXPLOSIONS, ARMAGGEDDON!!

The base of the dryer erupted in sparks, flames, hideous electrical exploding noises... very traumatic. I probably should have turned it off or pulled the plug or dropped it and ran, but I was afraid of burning down the house so I stood there holding the eletric geyser at arm's length whimpering "oh shit, holy shit" over and over until the dryer had spent itself and died.

Having a healthy distrust of all electrical appliances anyway (maybe because when I was a child, my dad warned me not to stick my hand into the garbage disposal--when it was off-- because, as he said "it's only electric") I think I'm going for the natural look for a few days.

You'll be able to find me at Target in the next few days, purchasing a new dryer... I'm resilient like that.

And then he called me fat.....

What to do when your boyfriend calls you "fat"*

1. Cry
2. Ask him who the fuck he thinks he's judging... he's not so teeny either
3. Ask who he's comparing you to, he's never had any complaints before (which could lead to a whole other argument)

*Of course, you had a few glasses of wine and a pint of Haagen Daas Dulce de Leche. Also, the exact conversation was :
Me: You have really good taste in ice cream
Him: yeah, when I was at Winn Dixie checking out, the girl asked me if I had a girlfriend, she thought my taste was so good.
Me: Was she asking if you had a girlfriend because she thought it was so good or if you were buying it for your girlfriend?
Him: (sarcastially) yeah, she asked me "do you date a fat red-head girl? Is this for her?"

So then I got pissed since I hadn't made any insinuation as to whether I thought it was an issue of weight and when I voiced my distress he said "yeah, I can see where you're coming from, but I didn't mean it like that."

Am I wrong for not expecting an apology? I don't really think he thinks that I'm fat, but still... he's got to learn that when a girl is on her period, you don't make fat jokes and then not apologize. Especially when she is taking steps to correct supposed (and apparently inncorrect--according to him) fatness.... am I just drunk? I think I have a point.

So I happened to see an ad online for Britney Spears' new "reality" show and thought it might be entertaining to watch it last night.

It was definitely entertaining... like a car wreck is entertaining. Could she BE any trashier? When she started talking about how good the sex was with Kevin (when he had a pregnant ex-girlfriend) I was grossed out. Do whatever you want, but don't tell the whole freakin world about it. I hope there weren't any 13 year old girls that stayed up to watch her show... I'm not going to be a virgin when I get married either, but I don't have little girls idolizing me. Or Barbie dolls made in my likeness. Or people getting plastic surgery to look like me.

I felt like I was watching someone's really boring home videos. Only the most star-struck voyeur will enjoy watching that show for longer than 20 mins.

There were a couple of things I liked about it. The scenes where she was about to perform were pretty cool--I can't imagine walking out onto a stage surrounded by thousands of screaming fans... and I loved her country accent (that she really cleans up for her interviews) because she sounds like a lot of people I know.

That show might become a guilty pleasure, like eating a huge bowl of Dulce de Leche ice cream... but I'll feel just as bloated and sick after I finish watching it.

I love breakfast. I made myself eggs with cream cheese and sausage this morning and it was so so good. It was also low-carb except that the sausage was brown sugar and honey... mmmmm.

This is my 4th day on Trimspa. I've been forgetting to take it at night, but still trying not to eat too much. Unless I've had a few drinks, then it's hard to control myself. I guess the drinking should have been the first thing to go, but when my boyfriend's in town, it's like I'm on vacation and nothing I do during the week counts on the weekend. I hope he can find a job in town permanently or else I'm never going to lose weight! Geez, doesn't he ever think about me? (yeah, I'm not really that selfish... well, not all the time.)

Ever notice how when a bunch of women work together (or just 5) things seem to get really catty? There are a couple of women where I work that are driving me nuts--asking coworkers to keep a critique of my performance between them without telling me. Um, that's not very constructive. When I found out I felt like I was back in high school. There's no way I'm getting involved in that BS but I'm still irritated by it. I like working with men so much better. At least men don't have a problem with you confronting them and giving them an earfull--they might even commend you for it! If I did that at work, the fallout would be instant and I'd never find out anything again. See, they're making me into them. It's a conspiracy.

Whatever. Work is work. I had really cool dreams last night. I dreamed that I coached a basketball team even though I didn't know how to play and I had sex with a girl. It wasn't a very sexy dream and I wasn't sure that I was doing it right but it was kind of cool. I'm afraid I didn't pleasure her very well though. Oh well. I guess it's good that I'm not gay.

Rousing the Bear

When the need arose to bring my air conditioning window unit out of hibernation, I was reminded that it is really summer and it's going to get really HOT. That means I won't be able to hide my winter-widened butt and gut beneath jeans and sweaters anymore. It's also too hot to wear anything with sleeves. Basically, the less clothing you wear, the cooler you are--and there is no part of my body that I'd like to bare anytime soon. Since I'm in the minority of women that are hot-natured, making my body bare-able is a major necessity.

For temperature control only. (riiiiiiight.)

So I took a chance and bought Trim Spa. It's supposed to curb your appetite so you eat less but also control sugar cravings and reroute glucose so it goes to your muscles instead of being stored as fat (or something... it says it on the box.) I don't believe everything I read, but I thought What the hell? There's no ephedra and maybe it really does work...

Bottom line: I need to try something, FAST. I have a wedding to go to and my birthday coming up in about 3 weeks. I hate seeing fat pictures of myself, so I'm taking desperate measures.

Surprisingly, there were no instructions at all when I opened the box. Only sheets of pills. All the instructions are on the back which are pretty much "Take with 8 ounces of water or the pill might expand in your esophagus and cause you to choke." WHAT?? I took my 2 pills this morning with tons of water (choking is one of my biggest fears), had breakfast and waited to see what would happen.

I'm definitely feeling it. And what I'm feeling is like a huge caffeine buzz without the jitters. I am a bit spacey and my thoughts are racing but so far, not so bad. I have to take one more at midday and one at night (I'm glad I have to work because I'd never sleep on this stuff) and then I've completed my daily supply.

The box says I need to take these pills for at least 6 days continuously for optimal results--not promising results after those 6 days but we'll see...

Maybe I'll be able to walk around pilled-out and sloppy like Anna Nicole Smith asking people "Do you like my baaahdy?" While groping myself like I am reliving my really bad soft-core porn movie that was so disgusting to watch... not that I ever did. (GROSS!!!!)

This made me laugh. A Lot. 

The One Thing

Well, vacation's over. Back to work. I spent 4 days in Augusta with my family. I love them and I miss them but they started to drive me crazy while I was there. I had thought I would get to sleep in and enjoy all the comforts of home as I had known them in high school, but my puppy woke me up every morning at 6:45. I did all the cooking because I wanted to, but even that became a chore. Strange how the meals seemed to get progressively worse as the week went on.

Not that any of them were bad, but the last one was not as good as the first. I've considered going to culinary school, but I don't know if I want to make a living cooking yet. It is the one area of my life I'm aggressively competitive in (if you tell me someone makes the best cheesecake or stew or veal you've ever had, I'll make it better and make you tell me it's better) and I find a Zen-like tranquility in the chopping, stirring and measuring (although my measurements don't require actual measuring tools.)

I am however, going to get my real estate license. I think it will be a good thing to have and since I can take the classes online, it won't interfere with my current job. Maybe I'll get that license, get my teaching certificate (which I want so the government will forgive my student loans) , go to culinary school and become a sort of feminine Mark Twain.

Is it better to be great at one thing or good at many things? I don't have that single minded passion that drives the people that are fantastically amazing at their ONE THING. It's a choice. I could devote all my time and energy into writing or cooking or what-have-you and when I'm THE BEST IN THE WORLD I'd tell myself that it was worth not doing anything else--not having explored other directions my life could have taken.

That's what those people do, right? They devote themselves to the mastery of One Thing, sacrificing everything else and believe it's worth it in the end. I can't--won't--do that. I want to be good at everything--but I admire their passion, determination and discipline.

So I'm here at my mom's house in Augusta and we are in the middle of a Garage Sale. It's 8:30 in the morning and we've been in full swing for an hour. The ad in the paper said it started at 8am, but apparently there are some serious Garage Salers out there determined to get the best bargain.

It's funny how we have a garage sale to get rid of the stuff we don't want, but as soon as the money starts rolling in, we're willing to sell the stuff we do want if we'll get a good price for it.

It's Garage Sale Fever!

Good Morning! I'm up pretty early since I don't have much to do today and am considering going back to bed (after breakfast of course!) I'm such a productive person... riiiiiiiight.

Actually, I'm still pretty tired because I was up half the night watching "Monster." Now that's a GREAT way to spend a night alone in your boyfriend's house with all the strange noises and only a jumpy puppy for company. I'm not sure if Charlize Theron truly deserved to win that Oscar but she was hideous. She looked exactly like the actual serial killer and from what I've seen of her in interviews, acted like her too. It was hard to believe that under all that makeup and extra weight was this absolutely stunning woman.

The best acting advice I've ever heard was from Kevin Spacey on "Inside the Actors Studio." He said you have to let them think it's really you--that the character you're playing is so close to your own personality that it comes naturally. It really seems more like common sense but let anyone try to let another personality inhabit their body and mind and see how comfortable that is.

Which is why I'm not paid to act. I'm actually a terrible actress, though I love to do it. In school I was always in musicals and plays but never had a major part. Now I see that someone did know what they were doing, which is not what I thought at the time.

Everyone has their calling, right? Mine is obviously writing (that's probably pretty hilarious considering my content-deprived comments on this blog) and I'm steadily working toward realizing it.

I don't know if I got to the end of Monster. I better see if it's on HBO again (I might just be in luck) while I eat breakfast. I hope everyone has a beautiful day!

I guess everyone's heard the story of the Duluth, GA woman that ran from her wedding, later claiming to have been kidnapped.

My boyfriend and I were talking about this last night and began wondering, why did she have to say she was kidnapped? If she just happened to run away one night and it just happened to be right before her enormous wedding, it wouldn't be too hard to figure out why she did it. But to put your friends and family through that... that's awful. She couldn't have thought that no one would notice--I read that she and her fiancee had sent out 600 wedding invitations! That's entirely too many people to start with (unless you're royalty) and way too many people to just sneak out quietly.

On the other hand, how can anyone really blame her? Getting married is a huge deal, especially in front of 600 people. That's an awful lot of gossip if it doesn't work out. Maybe she's a drama queen that just wanted the attention... maybe it was her mother in law that was doing all the planning and she wanted to exert some control... maybe she really was naive enough to think that no one would notice and it wouldn't be a big deal.

At least she came clean with the kidnapping story. She could have given a false description of her kidnappers and had the whole country in a frenzy. So she's not diabolical. What I want to know is, what exactly are they going to charge her with? In order for there to be charges pressed, doesn't someone have to press them? Who would have the right to do that? Definitely her fiancee, but would he? Her parents probably wouldn't, so who else would? Me? Do I have the right because I was worried about her, planned on attending the prayer vigil and then found out what a sucker I am?

I'm sure we'll all find out since the news loves anything sensational. One of the disc jockeys in Atlanta made sure to tell everyone that he had gone to both church services yesterday to pray really hard for the girl because she had really upset him. My advice: get the hell over it. Let the woman do what she wants to do. She upset her family and friends and I think it's shitty but I don't think she should be charged with anything and I think the media is having way too much fun with this story. At least she didn't pull out a rocket launcher and murder all 600 of her guests.

When does a crutch become an addiction?

Today is such a gorgeous day. Breezy, sunny, hardly a cloud and the sky is a crystal clear blue. I have the windows open, I don't have to work tonight, I have fun plans with friends this afternoon...

So why am I so irritated and unsettled?

I know why. I have no idea how to help someone I love when they don't want it. I love this person, I trust him but I don't think he's being honest with himself. I think he has a drug problem. I think he's honest with me about everything he does, but since he knows how much I hate it, he still tries to keep it from me. I thought for a while that if I pretended to not be bothered by it I would find out exactly how much he does it. That didn't work... I felt dishonest and I can't be like everyone else in his life that just says it's no big deal. We've talked about it so many times and I've let him know exactly how I feel... he doesn't think he's addicted, that it's just a crutch. Where is the line between using it for a crutch (as many people use caffeine to stay awake when they need to) and being a full-fledged addict?

I'm confused, irritated, scared and have no one to talk about this. There are a few of his friends that know and I don't know if they've said anything to him about stopping, but I don't want to be the kind of girl that's talking to his friends behind his back. He's a grown man, he's very strong willed and in control of himself and I believe that when he wants to stop, he will. I just get so frustrated and feel so helpless.

If there's anyone that has any advice, I'd love to hear it.

Something to look forward to

So tomorrow is the start of a new month. I love the beginnings of things. I love mornings, New Years, the start of a new relationship... I love the promise of change and the hope that something new brings. So here are a few things I have to look forward to (or dread) in the coming month:
1. 36 days until my birthday!! (and there are some people that would expect me to dread it since I'm turning 27, but I love birthday parties and I will celebrate until I die. Getting older has never bothered me, nor do I expect it to. Truly, with age comes experience and with that, wisdom.)
2. 18 promotions for the month of May. (that's kind of half and half--it's work, but can be fun.)
3. Getting paid and actually being able to SAVE some of my paycheck.
4. All the weekends I get to spend with my beautiful boyfriend.
5. The Mothers Day party I will attend with my niece.
6. Spending almost a full week with my sister.

That's what I think of when I think of May beginning. I'm sure there's more to look forward to as the month wears on.... Am I such a Pollyanna? Sometimes I feel like that. For example: Last night I covered a promotion for a friend/coworker and I hadn't been to this bar before. The bar is actually a club and there are marked differences in what one would wear to a bar and to a club. I dressed the way I would to work here in town and was sorely out of place. I wore a lightweight black sweater, a white skirt and black sandals. I looked good, kind of preppy but it was an outfit that I could have worn to church. Everyone else in this club was dressed as if they were going to... a club, of course. The attention that I drew to myself wasn't bad since that's what I was there to do, but I felt like a goody goody. Oh well. Not really important in the long run. I did meet a whole lot of interesting people and wasn't surprised to discover yet again that the people that look the scariest often carry on the best conversations.

um, WTF??

Evolution takes a leap forward:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7677651/?GT1=6428

There's been a lot of talk about avoiding wrinkles and skin cancer lately. I love sunless tanning products, especially Neutrogena. They make the best stuff that gives the best results--I'm natually so white I reflect the sun. I'm even a bit translucent, which I think is pretty cool but makes me appear sickly in the summer.

So I've learned to fake it. Now, not only do I fake that I lay out in the sun, I avoid the sun entirely. I'm terrified of getting skin cancer and not getting wrinkles is only a bonus. I think Clinique makes the best sun care products as far as makeup goes and I've tried more than a few... if I could only wear makeup and perfume and not have to worry about clothes, my money would be much more well spent and my life a little more stress-free. (Yeah, um, I don't let things like clothes stress me out really, but when you have to look nice every freakin day on very little income, it involves some creativity and can become stressful.)

I have been very good about not buying myself frivolous things lately, but I did get this perfume that I wanted all last year but every place had sold out of. It smells so so good and is very light.

www.fx120.net/UploadFiles/200499102927876.jpg

I recommend it to everyone--I think it might be a unisex fragrance, like the original ck One, but it is a bit fruitier. It smells very clean and fresh, like you just took a shower.

Man, today was long. I left my house at 1:30 this afternoon and am just getting home; it's 11:01pm. There was a meeting at work to kick off a new liquor (AGAIN--does there really need to be 3 kickoffs? Kinda defeats the purpose...) and although we weren't required to attend, my friend/coworker, M, and I decided to go. We thought we'd sit through the boring meeting then have fun and hobnob with the big guys at the bar afterward. Well, we get to the meeting early, pick up our checks and posters and decide to ditch. We ran out of the building and went to eat and then to shop.

We shopped FOREVER. Now, I like shopping, but if you've read the previous posts, you know that I get tired of it really, really fast. On top of it all, I was breaking in new shoes and my feet are friggin killing me. I was good though, I only bought jeans for my boyfriend. I'm so proud of myself. Usually I'd say "Screw the bills!! I need new shoes!" and decide I'll worry about it tomorrow. Fortunately, that part of my brain seems to have been replaced and I'm slowly becoming a responsible member of society.

Has anyone ever noticed that making a new friend can be a bit like dating at first? You go out a few times, try not to call them too much so you don't seem like you have nothing else to do, you try to impress them a bit so they'll want to be your friend too, and you end up sharing your life story in one night and then slowly retell it as you get to know each other better. Maybe it's the other way--the potential boyfriend (or girlfriend) has to pass the friend test before they cross that line... I wouldn't really know. I've never dated anyone that was my friend first, well, not a close one.

Maybe this is all just crazy talk. I'm seriously in need of sleep, so that's possible. I'm out now. My boyfriend just called and here I come a'runnin!

Surprise Party = Work?

So I went to this surprise party last night for my boss. I'm not sure what I was expecting but it was actually really fun. The restaurant was gorgeous, it had this very comfortable, beach-house themed seating (NICE beach house where there is no sand, dirt or water) and outside there were these cabanas with couches and flat screen tvs complete with your choice of 5 different satellite channels. It was way too windy to sit outside (it's on the roof) so we lounged around the bar inside. The usual big-wigs were there (in their suits--do they ever take them off??) but most people just relaxed and had a great time. I think some of the sales guys even turned their phones off for a few hours (gasp!)

Except for one girl. I don't think she even paused for more than a second. It seemed to be her mission to speak to every important person in the room--and there weren't a lot of people, but most of them were important, you know? Now, I am all for networking, but there's a time and place for that. Maybe I was the one missing out, maybe she'll get the raise before me because of all her flitting about, but I had fun crashed on the couch flirting with the boss's nephew (so cute, so young) and getting to know her kids.

I have another party tonight and this one will involve lots of networking. Thankfully it won't be a long night so there won't be too much danger of getting plastered while trying to relax (which has happened to me on occasion and it wasn't too much fun--it's way too easy to drink when you don't know that many people and there's an open bar.)

Hello My Name is Aunt

My sister just got accepted to Physician's Assistant school at a prestigious university and I'm so proud of her! It's going to take up much of her life for the next 2 years, including next Thursday when her daughter has a Mother's Day tea at her school. Guess who was asked to fill in? Me! I'm actually excited about this. I've never been to a Mother's Day celebration (maybe because I'm not a mother?) and am really looking forward to seeing what this is all about. Of course I'll have a nametag that will identify me as Aunt but spending quality time with my beautiful, brilliant niece will be so fun!

Things I found out at my meeting yesterday:

1. Sweetwater is coming out with a summer beer called Summer Hummer. Seriously. On the label is says "Everyone loves a hummer." (Yes, the jokes will get old but they will be really funny at first!)
2.The Terrapin guys are not liars. They claim that their company is based in Athens, GA but their brewery is not. They are trying to raise the money to bring their brewery home... I hated them when I thought they were liars but now I'm rooting for them. GO TERRAPIN! Anyone that reads this should go buy their beer to help with their sales--it's really good!!
3. The new girl at work is really cool and I think I have a party partner! We have lots of parties to attend-- some required, some not--and now I have a friend to go with!
4. I should not pick up free bottles of liquor anymore because I'm starting to think that drinking before noon is fine. And getting drunk is okay too as long as I sleep it off before I have to go anywhere. Not fine. NOT okay.

And Today:
1. Procrastination is way too easy to rationalize... I should be working out but instead I'm updating my blog. Why? Well, it's almost like work, right? It's not like I'm watching TV or anything... um, kind of weak.
2. Rationalizing is really bad when you don't realize that you are lying to yourself. I think it's more important to know that you're doing something wrong and do it anyway than to tell yourself it's not really wrong and do it. BE HONEST.

That's all I got. I'm going to feed my energy drink addiction and get my butt moving. Literally. I only have a month!

How embarrassing. How many people do not know the national anthem?

Probably a few in this country.

How many would forget the words when singing it in front of a large audience at a hockey game?

Probably a lot more.

But then, who, after unsuccessfully trying to sing it twice would give it a go one more time only to bust her ass on the ice? So far, only one unfortunate girl. That really sucks. And it looks like it hurt. Yikes.

But it's also really funny. When you forget the words, you forge ahead! Make some shit up! It might have gotten her beaten up, but not if she slipped out of there quick enough. Let's hope that she believes in the adage that "Any publicity is good publicity." She'll be a celebrity before she can scrape herself off the ice.

Usually I love to shop, but that's only when I don't have any money and I can fantasize about how good I'd look in the clothes I'm drooling over. When it actually comes time for me to buy new clothes (like now, since it's finally summer) I'm in agony. I don't like anything I see and I get so discouraged with my terrible fashion sense. I'd love to just wear my jeans/tshirt/flip flops combo everywhere I go until my diet and exercise have had time to take effect, but unfortunately, flip flops are not professional and it's actually part of my job to look good. Damn. I'm screwed.

I'm sure I'll think of something... I haven't washed clothes in a while so I'm about to do that. I'm hoping I'll come across something I haven't seen lately and feel silly for trying to buy something new in the first place! And then I'm either going to take a nap or work out. Maybe just a short work out and then a nap. Hey, some exercise is better than nothing, right? I'll let you know how it turns out.

Good Lord. that took forever but I finally got my damn picture on here. Now i'm thoroughly exhausted and almost drunk... the stress of posting drove me to drink!! Hahaha. RIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Like anything has to make me...

attempt #098301573098157098 at posting my damn picture on my blog profile.